Joke time

[MarkC]

Deleted due to poor taste and lack of humor. My apologies to any I have offended, none meant.
MarkC

[Daniel Restrepo]

good one.

y did the chicken cross the basketball court?

he heard the ref was blowing fowls!!!

yeah. thanks.

[MarkC]

Opps, didn't realize you replied before I deleted it.
MarkC

[Daniel Restrepo]

i guess i wasnt offended

[MarkC]

No one complained, I just didn't want to get beaten up by an angered Harley rider
MarkC

[Rattus]

C'mon lets hear it!! Please repost...

[jclark]

Ya, now you gotta deal with angry 'S' riders...

[rob_wijhenke]

I'm not easily offended and in need of a joke, please repost quickly.

[fredman]

about the two men walking down the street -when they saw a dog licking its penis, one said "I wish I could do that"
His friend replied "I think you better pat it first"

[Daniel Restrepo]

nice fredman!

[island_dude]

I thought the joke was in good taste. Please do repost it.

[throttlex]

What is the difference between a Hoover and a Harley?


-- The position of the dirt bag!

(just a joke, do not want to offend anyone)

[jclark]

Well, here's one:


Haynes Manual Translations

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
counterclockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start;
now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good
pliers to dig out the base...

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing...

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to
botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground.

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your
breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep,
as I thought, it's broke!"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
heat.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
to do!

[roger albert]

Excellent. Thanks for those. Especially the Haynes translations.
The one about the glass part of the bulb hits home especially
if you work on a lot of old bike that have set outdoors. It could have
a second punch line: "Next time you'll disconnect power won't you?"

The Index one is great too. If you use a lot of ref books, but don't always find time to read them thoroughly, the index is a big deal. I've disqualified many books from purchase for skimpy indices.

Now I wish I weren't such a dour bastard with no jokes of my own to share

[Dave Hopkins]

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says...................... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[jclark]

Well then, I'll just have to jump in and save you ( I gott abunch I've been waiting to post )!

From Roger Albert ( with apologies to Roger Albert ):

USEFUL METRIC CONVERSIONS

1 million phones = 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox



AND:

Rumination of the Day

10 fingers... 10 toes.
Aw, crap! I'm metric!

(Brad Osberg)


PLUS:

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural-
history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of
food five times their own weight.
What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x* x*

A bank officer heard this explanation for a farmers
money troubles:

It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds to
dollars, me bloomin overdraft doubles. Then they brought
in kilograms instead of pounds and me woolclip dropped
by half. Then they changed rain to millimeters and we
haven't had a inch of rain since. They brought in Celsius
and it never got over 40; no wonder me wheat wouldn't grow.

Then they changed acres to hectares and I end up with half
the land I had. By this time I'd had it and decided to sell
out. I got the place in the agent's hands when they changed
from miles to kilometres. Now I'm too far out of town for
anyone to buy the stinking place!!


AND from the 'Land of Bruce':

An ad found in the Australian Canberra Times, Personals Section:

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc
schia garden, classic music and tal
king without getting too serious.

Interested? Then please only read
lines 1, 3 and 5; still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327


signed, Roger

Playing Tuesday's and Thursday's at the Comedy Club, downtown Austin, through the end of the month...

[throttlex]

25 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED BY MIDDLE AGE:



1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think;

they don't do it very often.


3. Going to church/temple/mosque doesn't make you

religious any more than standing in a garage makes

you a car.


4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.


5. Artificial intelligence is no match

for natural stupidity.


6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.


8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.


9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government
program.


10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.


11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.


12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts

feel so good.


13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.


14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.


15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.


16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.


17. Middle age is when broadness of the

mind and narrowness of the waist change places.


18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.


19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away

three weeks before you need it.


20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.


22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.


23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to

the real world.


25. If you must choose between two evils,

pick the one you've never tried before.

[jclark]

Well, this IS a motorcycle forum - maybe a motorcycle joke, eh?


The Joy of Motorcycle Riding
author unknown ( to me )

I love motorcycles, and I love riding. Like many of you what first drew me to bikes was not just the experience of riding, but the feeling that I'd become part of a special community - a brotherhood, really. Nothing calms me more than a long ride down the interstate, waving to the members of my beloved clan. Except when I pass Harley guys. I hate Harley guys. Hate, hate, hate. When they pass me on the highway, you know what I do? I don't wave. With their little tassel handlebars and the studded luggage and the half helmets - God, they drive me crazy.

You know who else I hate? BMW guys. Oh, do I hate those guys. I don't wave at them either. They think they're so great, sitting all upright, with their 180 degree German engines. God, I hate them. They're almost as bad as those old bastards on their touring motorcycles. You know what I call those bikes? "Two wheeled couches!" Get it? Because they're so big. They drive around like they have got all day. Appreciate the scenery somewhere else, Grandpa, and while your at it, I'm not waving to you.

Ducati guys - I don't wave at them either. Why they don't spend a little more money on their bikes? "You can have it in any color as long as it is red." Aren't you cool! Like they even know what a Desmo-whatever engine is, anyway. Try finding the battery, you Italian-wannabe racers! I never, ever wave at those guys.

Suzuki guys aren't much better, which is why I never wave at them, either. They always have those stupid helmets sitting on the top of their stupid heads, and God forbid they should ever wear any safety gear. They make me so mad. Sometimes they'll speed by and look over at me and you know what I do? I don't wave I just keep going. Please, don't get me started on Kawasaki guys. Ninjas? What are you, twelve years old? Team Green my ass. I never wave at Kawasaki guys.

I ride a Honda, and I'll only wave at Honda guys, but even then, I'll never wave at a guy in full leathers. Never, never, never. Yeah like you're going to get your knee down on the New York Thruway. Nice crotch, by the way. Guys in full leathers will never get a wave from me, and by the way, neither will the guys in two piece leathers. And I'll tell you who else I'm not waving at - those guys with the helmets with loud paint jobs. Four pounds of paint on a two pound helmet - like I'm going to wave back at that! I'll also never wave at someone with a mirrored visor. Or helmet stickers. Or racing gloves. Or hiking boots.

To me, motorcycling is like a family, a close knit brotherhood of people who ride Hondas, wear jeans and a leather jacket (not Vanson) with regular gloves and a solid color helmet with a clear visor, no stickers, no racing gloves and regular boots (not Timberlands). And isn't that what really makes riding so special?

[rob_wijhenke]

I personally never wave at Germans who visit Holland on their bikes riding around like they own the place. Or the French who only come here to get a cheap score. Or the English cause although they hate our small glasses always seem to have them filled up with beer.

Americans never drive bikes in Holland so no waving to them.

And the Dutch. Aahrg. Like I have time to wave at them commuting to work. Better keep your eyes on the cages and wave to them showing you're a friendly biker. And the rest of the lot are what I call sunshine riders. Only take out their polished shiny bikes on a sunny Saturday. Really a bunch of stupid car owners with too much money to spend and bored with their wifes.

No, instead I wave at myself all the time. Happy S rider.

[Izze]

*lol*
Keep it coming!