Assisted living for an elderly parent questions...

[A930Rocket]

My dad passed away a year ago from last December. He planned ahead and my mom is comfortable, but she's getting up there in age (she's 88). She loves the house she's in (42 years), but it's big and getting to be bit much with maintenance, etc. Plus, her eyesight is going downhill fast. Mentally, she is sharp as a tack. She no longer drives and is stuck at home, but does have visitors and family several days a week. I'm six hours away, so don't get to see her enough.

We have talked about an assisted living for her. She says she doesn't want to live in a "dorm", but I say it more than that, plus there will be folks she can hang out with, activities, and bussed trip to shopping, sights, etc. She can make of it what she wants.

In addition, we will have to whittle down a 5,000 SF home to what she needs, what the four kids want and what goes to charity, etc.

With that said, what kind of criteria and questions do you look for and ask when looking at assisted living?

[Seahawk]

We just went through this, except the sharp as a tack part. My MIL is not so it was an imperative.

Shoot me a PM with your email and I'll have my wife weigh-in. There is a lot to think about with the care facility alone, type of care, etc. We were lucky that in the area there is good elder care with a menu of items to think about: Wake up, turn down, meal plans, make sure they take their meds, etc.

My father chose a graduated facility where you go from house to apartment to care facility.

He skipped the apartment phase, unfortunately.

Concerning the house? A ton of work...much more than I ever imagined. Once we got the furniture my MIL wanted in the apartment or in storage, we invited the clan in to identify those items they wanted. Very well organized.

Still, the amount of personal items to page through is daunting and will take much, much longer than anticipated but is critical. If my daughter had not spent the last two months working this (we paid her out of my MIL estate) it would have never gotten done preparing the house for sale in a timely manner.

Best of luck, Interesting phase of life.

[porsche tech]

The one in our gated community is not for profit. I like that idea because I feel like they would have what is best for the residents in mind, not what's best for the bottom line. My 2 cents..

[Reiver]

My Mom was in a very nice place until she passed...she had a private room/bedroom that opened up to a lounge area and nice surroundings.

My sister is a nurse and I asked her how she picked this place beyond the obvious nice modern facility.

She asked me 'what do you smell?'.....'Nothing'..... 'that's why I picked it'.

While talking to Mom the attendants would come by and simply say "Ok Pauline, lets take a little break" and they would make sure everything that nature does was good to go.


The place was clean....she was clean....and, actually, she liked it there. That was a relief.

[Cajundaddy]

My Mom has been in assisted living for 4 years now. She started in the general population and was moved into memory care as the effects of dementia/alz progressed. There is no perfect solution here but these were the things we felt were important:

1. Have her very near us so we can visit often and take her to family gatherings.
2. Very clean place with no smell.
3. Community kitchen as clean as a fine restaurant.
4. Caretakers who are friendly and kind even when Mom isn't.
5. A spirit of community among residents during meal time. It feels more like the early bird meals at a local diner than inmates at an institution.

She is 85 and her world gets smaller every day but we feel she is in as good a place as any. Being there often for visits, and to break her out for dinner once a week helps to keep her spirits high. We are very fortunate that my Dad left her in very good financial shape so while the cost is high it is bearable from her holdings rather than our personal funds.

My wife is a Radiologic Technologist who works in a hospital with a lot of training in care and treatment of aging patients. She was great in helping to focus our search for the right place.

[PorscheGAL]

Does she really need assisted living? It sounds like independent living in a retirement center is more her need. Ultimately, she will need to be the decider. Tour places in her budget with her and see how she feels in each one.

[jcommin]

I agree with Afterburn here! I worked with a eldercare service, a work benefit who provided me with a checklist - what to look for. I used that checklist as an acceptance check list. It helped allot. My mom was in an assisted home for 4 years from 1994 to 1998 - she had Alzheimers. My mom never wanted to go to those type of places but sometimes there are no good options.

I hated that place - largely because I knew there wasn't going to be any improvement. When she passed, I was relieved I wouldn't be going there anymore. I lost my mom 2 times: once when she ceased to know me and when she finally passed on.

Those places still wig me out. Be prepared to spend allot of money - if it is isn't right for you - it probably isn't.

I wish you the best - good luck!

[Rapewta]

If you can finance it... let her live and pass away at home.

I am going through the same thing.

It is costly. The average unlicensed care giver through an unethical but legal Home Care company charges anywhere from 22 to 30 dollars per hour and the poor employee is lucky to receive
$12.00 per hour.

Do the math. You can see that these people will drain all of you mother's life savings quickly.

My advice is let her live her last day/years at home. Try to avoid the assisted living for as long as
you can.

How I got around this was sending one of my daughters to Certified Nurses Aid and Home Health
Training. She became certified and I got rid of the criminal outfit sucking the life out of my
Dad's life savings. We pay her $18.00 per hour and that is $10.00 per hour in savings.

She is licensed, bonded and she loves her grandpa.
I hope you sort it and things and your mom is happy with this little time left.

[jcommin]

Originally Posted by Rapewta

If you can finance it... let her live and pass away at home.

I am going through the same thing.

It is costly. The average unlicensed care giver through an unethical but legal Home Care company charges anywhere from 22 to 30 dollars per hour and the poor employee is lucky to receive
$12.00 per hour.

Do the math. You can see that these people will drain all of you mother's life savings quickly.

My advice is let her live her last day/years at home. Try to avoid the assisted living for as long as
you can.

How I got around this was sending one of my daughters to Certified Nurses Aid and Home Health
Training. She became certified and I got rid of the criminal outfit sucking the life out of my
Dad's life savings. We pay her $18.00 per hour and that is $10.00 per hour in savings.

She is licensed, bonded and she loves her grandpa.
I hope you sort it and things and your mom is happy with this little time left.

I agree with this!

[Baz]

Interested in this thread as my 96 year old Mom still lives at home and drives, etc. but I know things are going to change at some point - and unfortunately sooner than later, I bet. She's already drifting a bit mentally. And she's expressed to us she wants to stay in her home, not a facility somewhere.

Did you know that Medicare pays for nursing visits to your home, if necessary? It does NOT include anything outside of medical-related needs.

[Rapewta]

Baz;

My Dad is a Veteran of WWII and the V.A. provides "home based primary care."
He has Medicare but I can't answer your question.
The V.A. only provides 4 hrs per week for home care. I give my daughter the weekends off so
she doesn't burn out and the V.A. pays for the weekend care.

You have to get real aggressive with your phone cons with Medicare.
The help is out there but no one is letting you know what is entitled. Dig deep and you will
find out what you are entitled to. Good luck.

[Baz]

Originally Posted by Rapewta

Baz;

My Dad is a Veteran of WWII and the V.A. provides "home based primary care."
He has Medicare but I can't answer your question.
The V.A. only provides 4 hrs per week for home care. I give my daughter the weekends off so
she doesn't burn out and the V.A. pays for the weekend care.

You have to get real aggressive with your phone cons with Medicare.
The help is out there but no one is letting you know what is entitled. Dig deep and you will
find out what you are entitled to. Good luck.

Thank you Rapewta!

My Mom is a vet too. Never thought of the VA providing assistance. Will look into it.

I applaud you and your daughter for your actions in helping your father. That worked out very well.

I will post here again with anything I find out that might be helpful.

Take care and best wishes....

EDIT: Just found the webpage: https://www.va.gov/geriatrics/guide/longtermcare/home_based_primary_care.asp#

[flatbutt]

Originally Posted by A930Rocket

My dad passed away a year ago from last December. He planned ahead and my mom is comfortable, but she's getting up there in age (she's 88). She loves the house she's in (42 years), but it's big and getting to be bit much with maintenance, etc. Plus, her eyesight is going downhill fast. Mentally, she is sharp as a tack. She no longer drives and is stuck at home, but does have visitors and family several days a week. I'm six hours away, so don't get to see her enough.

We have talked about an assisted living for her. She says she doesn't want to live in a "dorm", but I say it more than that, plus there will be folks she can hang out with, activities, and bussed trip to shopping, sights, etc. She can make of it what she wants.

In addition, we will have to whittle down a 5,000 SF home to what she needs, what the four kids want and what goes to charity, etc.

With that said, what kind of criteria and questions do you look for and ask when looking at assisted living?

My late Mom lived in one and it was awful. No activities at all. The residents sat and watched TV all day but it was all we could afford. I got her out as much as I could but on my own it was never enough.

So if she is active at all, physically or mentally try to ensure she'll have stuff to do.

[A930Rocket]

Great advice everyone.

PorscheGal..you're right. Assisted living isn't what she needs now, but independent care. Maybe a place that transitions from to independent to assisted later on is the way to go.

My dad was a vet and between the VA and home health care, he was well taken care of at home, while ALZ took it's course. It was still expensive though...probably $50-75 per year.

I've told my mom to live with us, but we are 6 hours away from the rest of the family and she wants to be close to them, friends and church. My bother and two sisters have asked her as well, but she says no. She doesn't want to be a burden. Ms Rocket's mom has lived with us since 2000 and is 89 now.

In talking to her, she misses my dad, company every day for talking/companionship, driving, coming and going as she wants, etc. and now her vision is going.

[Por_sha911]

Originally Posted by PorscheGAL

Does she really need assisted living? It sounds like independent living in a retirement center is more her need. Ultimately, she will need to be the decider. Tour places in her budget with her and see how she feels in each one.

+1 There are some communities that have Retirement, Assisted Living, and nursing home all on the same complex. The advantage is that as she progresses to needing the next level it is a very smooth transition.

As others have said, do the math. It ain't cheap.

I disagree with letting her stay at home. You have to plan for the next level of need before it becomes a crisis and you are scrambling to find someplace to take her immediately (and possibly forcing you to take less than your first choice).

As far as where to go... pick a place where someone can check in on her on a very regular basis. My wife's parents spent a short while in assisted living (a top of the line place)and the hard cold fact is that the residents who have family regularly checking on them and their care (at least once a week) get far better care. Sad but true. Pick someplace that someone responsible can visit (not just call), check things out, and ask questions.

[T77911S]

take her to a place and let her visit it. find one that has people at her level that he can socialize with. you may to do a few visits but once she gets interaction with other people there she may change her mind.

[jhynesrockmtn]

I've been through this with my Mom. She moved from her home (which she owned but had to sell due to market, zoning, etc. (story unto itself) which she could have rented for the rest of her life at a very reasonable rate to and independent apt. in a large "graduated" facility. She talked a big game about engaging in social activities but really never has. There is plenty to do there, the place is great but she is going downhill mentally quickly. Her memory is getting bad and I'm not sure how much longer she'll be able to stay independent but they have assisted and memory care at this place. Her money would buy her a decent amount of time private pay if she lives long enough. She's a pretty unhealthy 82.

Options will depend on her financial situation, both assets and income. It will also depend on her attitude and ability to build new relationships. That is where my Mom has stalled out. She basically sits in her place all day watching TV with her Dog. She could have done that at home. My Dad passed 12 years ago and this has basically been her life since.

[glewis80SC]

Do all you can to keep her at home, we moved my Mom out of her home of 40 years into a nice assisted living place close to my sister. We sold her home in CA and bought small rentals in UT, again close to Mom and sis, we used that to help with cost of care. She did ok in the place for 5-6 years but had stroke and was moved to full convalescent care then passed away several months later. I regret moving her to this day we should have worked harder to keep her at home. Lots of great ideas posted...my opinion keep her at home.

[Soterik]

We were able to keep my dad at home through the whole process, it was a condo that he had been in for about 10 years prior to medical/mental issues began. It was horribly expensive but dad had the ability to fund 24hr care and he had a spare bedroom. I am/was living very close so I quite literally saw him everyday and though it was tough at times, I wouldn't trade a minute of it ( I think that came out right...). He passed in his own bed (at the age of 94, was independent till 92) about a year ago, and I'm very thankful that we were able to keep him in his own home.

One of the things that was critical to us was that the CNA(s) were able to get dad out and drive around the city (Seattle) where dad had grown up. These drives (daily, up to 5 hours a day) were stimulating to my dad to keep his memory going, and I could then have great conversations with him at the end of the day on what they had done, seen, where, etc., and I'd get great old stories from dad from the old days. We were also able to get dad out to meet old friends and community members this way as well.

just my .02

[ted]

My mom improved when she went to a skilled nursing facility.
She made a good rally and regained some independence.
At the facility she got rehabilitation assistance we could not provide for her at home.

My mil is going on 11 years on the memory care floor of a large facility.
Providing her that level of care in my house would be difficult in every way.