Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
 

I'm not sure why I'm posting this here. I suppose I just need to get it out. I've been nursing a bottle of scotch since 9am.

My brother-in-law was killed last week. He was run over by a commuter bus while riding his bike. I was just numb when I heard the news.

The thing is he wasn't just my brother-in-law. He was a good friend that I've known since high school and he was the best man at my wedding. The best days of my life were spent with him and another friend. I will never forget the good times we had back in the late 80's.

He stopped talking to me about 15 years ago. Despite my efforts to make amends, he never let me know what the issue was. I didn't know until just before he died that it was something I said that hurt him. After 15 years you would think he would have said something. I just wish he would have opened up to me.

His funeral is Saturday. I'm getting the feeling from my family that my sister doesn't want me to be there. I can only assume it's because he wouldn't want me there. I'm not going. I'm just broken. I've been sitting here staring at 5k lines of code with tears streaming down my face all morning. I wish he would've let me know. Good thing I'm working from home today.

Life is short. Love each other....hug your companions......and tell them every day how grateful you are to have them in your life.

That's all one can do....

Alcohol is a depressant... maybe try something else to calm your nerves... get outside if possible and get some fresh air and look at some nature.

I have lost several friends & family, life is fragile and can end in a fraction of a second for what may seem random events.

I wish I had stayed closer to my brother and a couple friends that passed away.

Sorry man, that's all I can say. Life is pretty unfair sometimes.

I'll give some sound advice: YOU are not responsible for someone else's feeling or actions. Period. The only sidenote from this is if you verbally or physically abused him on a daily basis.

It was his choice, a bad one.............. that he chose not to 'forgive' you. Its on him.

From experience - hate and anger is a daily choice and cosumes a lot of energy.

My condolences on the loss for you and the rest of your and his family.

I think..... you need to let it go.

You are a good person and deserve to take care of yourself

Talk to your family and get a definitive answer...no sense not knowing.

Try your best to forgive the both of you, not today but as soon as you are able.

Someone said "“Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.”

My condolences too...don't beat yourself up over his actions though. Sounds as if you tried to make amends, but some people change....who knows why? Remember the great times you had together...smile & cry...

Be well...

I’m sorry for your loss, I really am. And I’m sorry about all the words that were left unsaid. Not all relationships can be fixed. People grow apart. And I hate it that you’re beating yourself up over it. It takes two…you tried. So reminisce in the good times. On another note, are there bad feelings between you and your sister? Someone once told me that funerals are for the living…

Sorry

Use this and apply it to relationships you can still repair. Maybe you can start with your sister.

Spot on...reach out to your sister...now might not be the time if she isn't receptive though...good luck!

What a tough situation. So sad that he wouldn’t talk to you about what he was upset about. Guys can be like that. Your post is a cautionary tale for all of us, don’t let wounds fester, get it out, get it over with, and get on with your lives knowing where you stand.

May he rest in peace. Lots of good advice above, I don't have much more to offer. Your Sis may have more insight into the hurt. That may be something/somewhere to heal.

I offer you this, forgive yourself of your transgression and forgive your friend. It sounds to me that you want to pay your respects to him. Figure out a way that shows how important he was in your life yet in a manner that everyone can understand. TRY not to stay away from his memorial, you will regret it.

If push came to shove for ME, I would go. You have already told all of us how you morn his passing, it is ok to show it and show up.

I have friends who self medicate with alcohol to ease their anxiety....it never works, and puts them in a spiral of depression, that sometimes lands them in the ER, with random problems.

I completely agree that getting out into nature, taking a drive, be with family.

This whole thing sounds like much more of a problem that he had, not your fault whatsoever, and his pride probably ate him up inside, and that's a sad situation.

I am sorry about your brother in law's accident, but alcohol isn't going to solve any problems.
As others have suggested - reach out to your sister and try to make amends. Attending the service might be the best thing for you - if you don't - that might end up being another regret.

this. well said, G.

I lost my own brother in law about 10 years ago. He died at the early age of 49 and I had known him since I was about 10 years old. It's tough and I found myself crying for many years. You never get over it but eventually stop crying every time you think about it.

As far as not speaking for 15 years, that adds to the guilt and it's too bad. But, you can't blame yourself. Sometimes friends/family do hurtful things to each other. I wouldn't be surprised if he felt bad about not communicating with you but time passed and sometimes procrastinating makes it even harder to make up. Unfortunately time ran out.

Nothing wrong with you being upset, it's how grieving works. Someday you will only remember the good things - it's how you will survive and eventually move forward.

Hang in there!

Things that make us cry, things that hurt us, wound us. They never go away, they become scars on our souls. And one day you wake up and say, I have a scar and move on. Scars never leave us, they are soft reminders of hard experiences.

Something is wrong if someone doesn't talk to you for 15 years and you don't know why. He was the one with a problem and likely looking for an excuse at the time. No fault of yours, for sure.

Carry on. He was dear to you but after 15 years? I'd play it out just being nice and let the chips fall where they may. If you don't end up going to the funeral (sounds like that's the plan for now), then that was the best for all — maybe not you. This is not the right time for closure on that subject with him.

As for the scotch, it might help, it might just be putting it off. If you're gonna cry, just go and godamn cry. Then feel better about the whole thing. If you can. I didn't say feel good. Better.

Good luck and I too am sorry for the loss of life. I can sense there's others that are facing a tough situation. All you can do is be supportive and help if and when you can. Maybe donate to a cause that you know he would have appreciated. And don't make a big deal about that. And maybe that's not a good idea, IDK, none of us do.

I avoid funerals but I think I'd at least stand at the back and be inconspicuous. If you feel someone is uncomfortable, slip away. No one will ever be able to say you didn't come, you didn't care.

This.

You need to get out of the house, sober of course, and take a nice long drive to anywhere. Do it asap, top down, windows down, no heat if you live up north. Get that feeling of LIVING. You can't change what he thought about you, only you can change yourself now for the better. After the drive, come back and kiss your honey, your kids, etc and say tomorrow is a new day.

You got emotionally blackmailed. Don't buy into it.
I am still sorry for your loss.




There is no problem in the world that drinking won't make worse.

If you hold your heart out to someone and they drop it, you need to put it back in your chest where it belongs.

What on earth can you say that after 15 years he still wouldn’t forgive you?
Sounds like it was his choice to keep the grudge going.
He could at least let you know what it was you said.

I understand your pain, but you tried to make it right, there is nothing more you could have done.
Not to be disrespectful, but he treated you poorly for the last fifteen tears, not the other way round.

Don’t have any real advice other than chin up, you sound like a decent guy, and careful with the booze man, that don’t help.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve as everyone is different . Having said that I doubt alcohol is the answer . You need to clear your head and mentally get back to a better place . As others have stated go for a drive or a walk and just chill . Remember all the good times and forget about the bad as there is NOTHING you can do about the past . I agree to reach out to your sister but ONLY to support her in her time of need .......... this death is not about you . Tell your sister you want to be at the funeral to support her and others and to pay your last respects . If that means sitting in the back row so be it . I have a feeling if you don't go you will regret it for the rest of your life , I'm basing that on your current mental state and the comments you have made . In my opinion opening up here on this forum is a first step in your healing process . Hang in there .