Paging the collective... Advice on talking to kids about death?

Eric at Pelican Parts · 08-23-2019, 08:50 AM

Long story short, lost an aunt to terminal cancer. Family is asking me to talk to my nieces on their mother's passing because they get a long with me quite well compared to some of my other cousins. Besides consoling them and spending time with them, I don't really know what I tell them to make things better... Any tips and suggestions? I've had to deal with suicides and passing of my grandparents, but this is an entirely new position I never thought I'd be in yet. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Sooner or later · 08-23-2019, 08:52 AM

How old are they?

Sooner or later · 08-23-2019, 08:54 AM

Was it a sudden death or more or less expected?

Tough gig.

Eric at Pelican Parts · 08-23-2019, 08:58 AM

About 2-3 months ago, it just kept progressing rapidly. They're 12 and 19.

rfuerst911sc · 08-23-2019, 09:04 AM

First thing I would say to them is that you are there for them now and in the future , they may have feelings of being abandoned . Then I would tell them all about the positives their mother brought to their lives . Then transition the conversation that death is part of life and that's why you should enjoy every day as there is no guarantee on how long you have , word that as nicely as possible . Ask them if they have any questions . Maybe ask them if it's OK to call them every day just to chat for a few minutes . If they are both texting maybe stay in touch via texts . Young folks have amazing ability to heal but may need a support structure to push/guide them along . Can't stress enough make sure they understand they are not alone . Good luck

Sooner or later · 08-23-2019, 09:07 AM

^^^^^
Good advice

KFC911 · 08-23-2019, 09:52 AM

^^^ Awesome.

Best to you Eric...

Seahawk · 08-23-2019, 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sooner or later

^^^^^
Good advice

Concur.

The truth works, btw: My father died when my children were around the same age as the OP mentioned.

We told them the truth: how much he loved them, the importance of their love to him, the inevitability of passing and how that should influence how they look at life. They both had a very solid relationship with him so it was perhaps easier.

Death isn't the last measure...

Eric at Pelican Parts · 08-23-2019, 10:19 AM

Appreciate the input everyone, thanks.

rfuerst911sc, that's great advice. I was thinking across the same lines as you were, but the possibility of having a feeling of abandonment didn't even cross my mind. I'm more like a brother than an uncle to them, so we do talk a few times a week. I don't know what's going to happen yet, but it looks like they'll be staying with us for a bit until our family figures out the next steps. At least i'll be able to make sure they're okay in the meantime, and maybe help them stay positive by taking them around places they want to see.

Laneco · 08-23-2019, 12:25 PM

Don't be afraid to let them see your grief, or to talk about missing the person... Young people have all the feelings of grief but we do not always provide the tools to help them manage those feelings. Part of managing it is to allow grief, not bottle it up. Seeing an adult grieve, work through the process, and not be afraid to talk about the process gives them tools to deal with their own feelings. Nothing is better than one to one, face to face conversations but don't overlook emails or texts... Sometimes it is the texts with our children that give us an idea of their feelings and the opening to talk about them (phone or face to face).

We are remarkable creatures, endowed with strength, courage, empathy, humor, and fear. But we do not come with a set of directions or even a road map to help guide us.

Sorry about your loss...

angela

Dantilla · 08-23-2019, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eric at Pelican Parts

.... I don't really know what I tell them to make things better...

You can't make things better.

Do not try to tell them "it's okay". Their mother died. It is not okay.

There is nothing you can say to make it better, but it's easy to say something that makes it worse.
Sometimes it's best to say nothing at all. Just cry with them.

pavulon · 08-23-2019, 12:46 PM

Let them talk. Your job is to sit there and pay attention.

LEAKYSEALS951 · 01:54 PM

When I was 10, I had a friend (also 10) who's older sister AND mother died the same year from cancer (within the span of several months). I remember the parents (my parents and his dad) arranged to have him come over to spend time with me.

Sure, he was a friend, but even at ten, I was uncomfortable with how to act around him. There was no google for me to search the issue (and after reading this thread today, I did some google searches, and there is some good info out there). At the time (and still), I was/am no psychologist. I think my parents told me to just "act normal- be there for him." "gee..thanks mom..." I didn't know what to say/do.

In the end, it wasn't as awkward as I feared. It really wasn't awkward at all. We did all the usual stuff, and some extra stuff the parents let us do "just because." I think he valued the normality of our friendship in the storm of what, by any means, was a very cruel blow of fate.

Obviously, there is nothing normal about this, and should be recognized as such, but not dwelled upon (maybe from their end, but not from your end). If they have stayed with you in the past, perhaps consider what you all enjoyed doing, or other/new stuff, as appropriate, and throw it out there as stuff to do that they can accept/turn down on their own terms. Consider it a ****ty excuse to spend quality time together.

All the previous advice is spot on btw.

Good luck,
Ron

john70t · 08-23-2019, 01:28 PM

Step-mother lost her beloved husband after five long years of caring for his dementia.
Within two months she lost both of her parents.
With five months she was diagnosed with ALS and lived another two years, almost half of that with cane walker and wheelchair.
She would say she is waiting to be with him again.

Life is gone and then there is no more.

In the meantime......

fintstone · fintstone's Garage

It is easy if they are religious. People go on to a better place, are no longer suffering, lived a good life, etc.

If not, talking about the cycle of life and remembering the good times and things accomplished help a lot. Most funerals I go to for older folks seem to end up more in a celebration of their life than a lot of grief. Let them know it is ok for them to grieve and miss their mom....every day. I still grieve my father's death after decades.

They likely have known this was coming for a while and can appreciate that she will not suffer any ore (and may even be a bit relieved). At 12 and 19, they are likely already coping and really just need help moving forward to whatever is next. Help them with that (without pushing them beyond their comfort zone).

DonDavis · DonDavis's Garage

That's always tough. But at 12 and 19, they already know the important stuff.

I'd just spend time with them. I wouldn't go in with a preplanned speech. Maybe some talking points.

Let them ask questions, and do NOT try and BS if you don't know. They'll spot that in a millisecond.

Good for you, you'll do just fine.

VincentVega · 08-23-2019, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pavulon

Let them talk. Your job is to sit there and pay attention.

great advice. I still struggle thinking about my mom. The few times I've talked about it the last thing I want or need is a word from whoever I'm 'talking' to.

good luck

Bob Kontak · Bob Kontak's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by DonDavis

That's always tough. But at 12 and 19, they already know the important stuff.

I like what Fintstone says about grieving. It's so beneficial to moving on.

With the handful of close deaths I have experienced, it lands and I sob, but for the most part, once.

Superman · 08-23-2019, 08:14 PM

His eyes were wet wounded rugs.

Like some kind of strange vacuum cleaner I tried to console him. I recited the same old litanies that you say to people when you try to help their broken hearts, but words can’t help at all.

It’s just the sound of another human voice that makes the only difference. There’s nothing you’re ever going to say that’s going to make anybody happy when they’re feeling ****ty about losing somebody that they love.

Pacific Radio Fire
Richard Brautigan

Steve Viegas · 08-24-2019, 07:50 AM

Eric,
I lost my wife when my kids were 8 and 11. I used a number of books dealing with death and grief to help me help them. We are almost 5 years removed now, and it is still a tough subject. Mom is missed everyday.

Be there for them. Grief is terrible. Everyone's is different, and everyone's is the worst imaginable.