I don't want to do it
 

I need courage.
There are three men in my life that I need to talk to. They are basically my heroes - I need to tell them how influential they have been to me. I suck at this kind of thing. They are all in their 80s now and I have to talk to them while I can. Their influence is so profound I'm afraid I'll get weepy in front of them.

I worked for Fred in his hardware store when I was in high school. I learned how details like keeping a neat shop and knowing something about each customer lead to increased sales. I learned respect for customers and how to draw the line between bending over backwards to serve the customer and bending over backwards to get screwed by the customer. It's a fine line. That knowledge served me well over the years.

My friend George, who knew squat about customer service, taught me that being a fearless innovator - so fearless that you had to walk away from a plumb career to pursue your ideas - worked only if you went in 100% and refused to look back. His example inspires me to this day in projects big and small.

Mike taught me that quiet persistence can lead to great things. Mike worked for corporate America and worked it to his advantage. He never bucked the system but never bought into it. He stubbornly did his own thing under the radar, and made a 40 year corporate career an entrepreneurial "business" inside the corp. He spends his time now studying whatever his latest passion is and traveling the world.
These guys won't be around much longer.

I love them and I need to tell them so. But they aren't the kind to be receptive to that language and I'm not the kind of guy to give it.

Well, you have two choices: do or do not.

The advice I give (when people ask, which is rare) is to try to imagine the level of regret they'd have if they don't do it.

Spot on. I will regret it if I don't talk to them.
Talking is hard.

Yes, do it, and don't get weepy about it. It's a great gift you will give. I've done this a couple of times. Once to a H.S. buddy who had been a really good friend and showed me many considerations that counted a lot at those times. He died of brain cancer a couple of years later. I visited a guy I worked for in the early '60s. I hadn't seen him for a couple of decades. He was someone I had learned a huge amount from on how to deal with people in a work setting and was an example on how to treat people with respect and trust to create a really positive environment. He was super appreciative and said nobody had ever said anything like that to him. He told me he always treated those who worked for him that way and thought nobody ever noticed.

I had this sort of meeting/conversation with a gentleman called John Griffith. I'm pleased I approached John and got to say what I said, and the thanks. John was very modest about it but said "thanks for your thanks :)" I said "really, we would have ended up in the poorhouse if it wasn't for you and Mom having such a wonderful and fun working relationship." Sadly John died a year later but I got to say what I wanted to say.

I can say honestly that I've had some impact on a lot of people's lives. From that perspective, I don't think any of the three men will be that broken up if you do not reach out to them, and on the other hand they will not judge your level of effort or degree of emotion if you do.

The reason I say it that way is you do not NEED courage. You "don't want to do it" for them. This is for you. What is says about you if you do, or if you do not talk to them is 100% your interpretation. In other words, there is no validation, nor condemnation of your character either way. This is part of your journey. One of my heroes has passed on already. I already know what he would have said to me. Save your outpouring toward me. Focus instead on people who are in the footsteps that you leave behind.

I don't want to do it
 

Don’t overthink it- grab a coffee with them to catch up on what is going on with life and thank them for all the guidance. I find that most of the influential people in my life are people of few words. There seems to be a “silent” language spoken amongst people like that.

I think by posting here you have shown you DO want to do it. As written above, they might not give a darn one way or another, but this is important to you. So pay a call, buy some coffee, let them know. You'll feel better for it.
I am so glad I took a moment by my FIL's bedside after everyone else had left the room to thank him for sharing his family with me. He was gracious enough to thank me in return for being there with his family, as he wasn't going to be there. He passed not long after.
Do it now. There might not be a later.

Best
Les

I'll do it.

I think when people get older, they may greatly appreciate a visit where you simply spend time with them, and listen to them, and maybe say you have come to realize that they helped to shape your life.

Men show how they feel with their actions more than their words. A visit says everything. What you say in words is less important than your time and attention. As you say, the mushy stuff isn't always what they need to hear. They need to hear they were an example to you, and that somehow this made a difference.

“Words may show a man's wit but actions his meaning.” Benjamin Franklin

Love is in men's actions, even sometimes when we do not seem to be so loving.

Most communication is non-verbal anyways.
Just being there is so much more important than any per-conceived agenda.

You are not doing it for you. you are getting it done for them. Just another day at the office.

I think the thread title is 180 off. I think you really want to do it. I think the hard part is that you don't know how to start. Crack your chest and it will all spill out, you will sleep better for having done it and these 3 fellas will live on knowing they gave something profound to someone. It doesn't have to be elegant. It just needs to be sincere.

I have done this twice in my life, once for a college professor (a former Jesuit priest) and the second for a Naval Officer - both profoundly impacted my life.

There is no right way to express gratitude and I frankly think that it depends on the person you are thanking on how best to do it.

For the Jesuit, I wrote him a letter, which I knew was his preferred form of correspondence. Thanking him in person would have made him uncomfortable and lessened the import of my reaching out to him.

I still have the letter he wrote back - it remains my most cherished gift.

I called the Navy guy. It is a Navy thing. Greg was our Class Leader (he was a LCDR) at the Replacement Air Group (RAG) when I went through the SH-60B flight and tactics RAG. We were the third class ever to go through. He had a severely handicapped son but never failed to take the time and effort to help us (10 knucklehead Ensigns) become better pilots, tacticians and frankly, Naval Officers.

The call went great and I stopped by to visit him and his family a month later. He, and his wife Shelly were very touched. Their son, who was not expected to live into his teens, still lives with them nearly 35 years later....a testament to their love and devotion to life.

So, long essay short, figure out the best way for each man then reach out. It can be a wonderful experience for all.

Then write to them. It's not as impersonal as people think. Sit down with pen and paper and let them hear it in their own voices.

Alternatively, write down what it is you would like to say. It will help to clarify your thoughts.

Do it! And, sooner than later as things can change very quickly and the opportunity lost. Either face to face or thru written word, your thoughts will likely mean a lot to them and some validation of their effects on others.
I did this a few years back with a somewhat older guy from the neighborhood who taught me a lot about working on cars by letting me hang around, ask questions and be a PITA. Rolled up to his house in the P car, identified myself and thanked him for the time he allowed me to hang around, the knowledge that he imparted and the car as the fruit of that. He was moved as was I.He did comment that I had made a better sports car choice than he had with his MGB which brought laughs from both of us.

I agree with the above concensus. Communicate to them as they wish to be communicated.

They know. They accept your thanks now. It is still significant to voice your thanks in some manner.

My FIL was a huge influence. I told him a few times. I didn't need to - because he already knew it.

It still was nice for both of us to trade our thoughts. When he died, I was without regret.

You got this.

Send them a text. LOL.

None of them taught you to be fearless. ...apparently.

Do it, Patrick! Lift up a single malt and listen to Neil describe what you're feeling and just get yourself in the mood to thank the people who helped make you a success!

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Reading the title, I immediately thought of the Father, The Son and the Holy Ghost.



And I'm not religious and this isn't a BARF post. You say 3 men and who do you think of?

...oh, right, Manny, Moe and Jack, 3 stooges and others.

Yeah, go talk to them — for yourself.

You might want to watch a movie called The Five People you Meet in Heaven.
It was based on a novel written by Mitch Albom many years ago, I believe
it was a Hallmark hall of fame movie. It follows the life and death of a man
named Eddie who is killed and sent to heaven where he encounters 5 people
who had a significant impact on his life. Stars Jon Voight as the lead character.
It was on netflix many years ago in 2 parts. Watch the 2 parts together or it
might not make sense. You might be able to stream it from another source as
well. The ending ties it all together and speaks directly to your wishes to
communicate with your friends. A good movie to watch once a year as a reminder
on how our lives impact others.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
-Mark Twain

I think it's important to let others know when they've had a positive influence. I'm always appreciative of others when they share their successes with me and state that I helped them somehow.

I don't think the conversation has to be hard at all.

Invite them for lunch/coffee and just go out to spend time with them. Catch up on what's been going on with life.

Reminisce a bit. "Remember that crazy time when....?" and follow up after discussion with "What you taught me then was.....and I really appreciate it. I used that later when....".

You might depress them if they think they are to blame for the way you are now.
1 star for whining

I talked to Fred today. Basically it was a lot of catching up on what we've been doing for the past 30 years.
I said, "I just wanted to thank you for all you taught me. It's been a good life and the lessons I learned from you really helped."
He said, "Thanks. I knew you were going places. I'm happy for you."
He's almost blind now from macular degeneration. He doesn't get out much, so I'm going to see him and hang out. He lives about an hour away. Probably just BS with each other for a while. I couldn't express to him how deeply he affected my outlook on life. I don't know how to without it sounding sappy and melodramatic, but I feel good about going to hang out and just be together and talk baseball or something.
Did I mention that I'm not a people person?

Who would have thought?
Its good to honor those who are our spiritual fathers and mentors. The best way to do it is to pay it forward. Go teach someone else even if they are young and foolish. The guys you are talking about had to put up with you.

I strongly recommend doing it. Life's too short to keep something so positive to yourself. People like your three mentors above give their IP away freely and never expect anything in return. They are selflessly giving a gift, you should thank them.

Well done, wd.

I think we all have had folks like them in our lives, and can all remember a few with whom we have waited too long. Sometimes that person is even a parent. We tend to regret the things we left unsaid. As we get older, and experience that more and more, I think most of us eventually resolve to proactively do something about it with those whom we have left.

Women are far better at this than men. They "wear their emotions on their sleeves", where guys - at least of our generation - were taught not to do so. That makes it awkward for us, both giving and receiving. It's worth fumbling our way through this, though. For both sides.

So, one down, two to go - good on you, Patrick. Keep after it - it's worth it.

What a timely thread.

I'll be having such a conversation next week when I visit my father in law in Baton Rouge. At 88 years old he is, in the finest sense of the term, a true southern gentleman. I doubt he knows what a profoundly positive impact he's had on my life.

Shame on me if I don't tell him before it's too late.

_

If you don't do it now, a year away may be too late...

I took a few philosophy classes back in college. One of the professors was the absolute caricature of the nutty, disheveled and absent-minded old philospher whose office was essentially a mound of papers and books surrounding a form-fitting, over-stuffed leather armchair just like you'd imagine. His desk was also somewhere in there I assume.

He was the funniest, kindest old guy who for some unknown reason latched on to one of my stoopid essays and invited me to his office. Why, to this day, I haven't a clue.

Anyways, we just chatted about wild mushrooms, space travel and how so sadly we are surrounded by idiots. What I eventually figured out was that he was trying to show me how to see life with a broader perspective.

And life moved us both on.

One day years later I went back to his office to affirm the inevitable; that he had long passed. Beneath a plaque in his honor are the words:

'You're welcome.'