The Wisdom of Stephen Wright
 

The Quotes of Steven Wright:


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Brilliant.....had to read some twice to grasp fully

36. I put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time.

Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

He was brilliant.

"I put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in a room and let them fight it out."

"I've gotten into astronomy and installed a skylight. The neighbors upstairs are furious."

I bought powdered water.

I just don’t know what to add.

I got a life sized tattoo of myself.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I had to buy them again.

I have a map of the Earth. It's life-size.

The cop told me the speed limit was 65 miles per hour. I told him I wouldn't be out that long.

I went down to the 24 hour mini mart. As I was walking up there was guy outside locking the front door. I asked him why he was closing - I thought they were open 24 hours.

The guy replies "not in a row".

You need to read those quips with a totally dead pan voice.

"I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone"

I don't think any comic has worked for me since I heard him. Simply perfect.

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it".

I once got poison ivy on my brain. Ony way i could scratch it was thinking about sandpaper...

Excellent indeed.

I have a friend that's an AM radio disc jockey. Every time we walk under a bridge his voice fades.

He once bought a decaffeinated coffee table.

One time he picked up a hitchhiker. Told him to buckle up, he saw it in a cartoon once but he was pretty sure he could do it.

It would be hard to deliver some of those lines so deadpan.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered along the beaches of the world.