Self image
 

The question of who I am has been bouncing through my skull lately. I find it disturbing.

For 60 years I was someone’s son. Even when I was helping Dad through Alzheimer’s I was his kid. I didn’t realize until I lost him how comforting it can be to live under the umbrella of being your father's kid even though we were not close.

It was some point after Dad died in 2010 that I realized I was the oldest living person in my family. My image of myself subtly changed when I realized I was it - the end of the line. I felt like responsibilities were thrust on me that were unseen and unspoken - only felt. I was up to it. I still had confidence in myself and confidence that I was strong and competent. Things were fine.

But the ensuing 13 years brought the slings and arrows of aging and they have challenged my feelings of strength and competence. I don’t see so well anymore. My reflexes aren’t what they should be, and my energy level is way down. I find myself driving down the road at slightly below the speed limit instead of slightly above it. I am becoming a caricature of an old man.

I really, really don’t want to be an old man. I can’t imagine myself being an old man. If I ever give in and accept it, I swear I’ll drive my effin’ Speedster off a cliff.
At slightly below the speed limit.

You are a rock star, and you're crushing it!

You're just a bit older and a lot wiser now.

I feel your pain. Literally. It wasn’t until my back problems came on last spring that I really started feeling like I was getting old. Now I have to give thought to almost everything I do. And it’s taking a lot of the fun out of things. It is somewhat humbling to have to get a hold of my next-door neighbor to help me lift things that I used to do on my own.

Some days I think about taking one of my motorcycles and riding off a cliff. But I live in Nebraska and cliffs are hard to find.

The signs are there, the 1st time I felt old, we were at a friend's shop, working his race car and Sweet Home Alabama came on the radio and my friends son said We looked at each other and dropped our heads. Because of my extreme sports, I have had constant pain for many years, but the next time I realized that I wasn't a young pup anyone, I was driving the XJR to pick up the daughter of the lady I was dating to take to school, some clown in a Mustang pulls up next to me, revs the engine and I switched to sport mode, hit the gas and left that fox body in the dust, then I looked in the mirror and saw a old. White haired guy in a nice suit looking back at me and said " damn" that is me. Just like when I was riding my skateboard http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1692312331.jpg
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1692312331.jpg
And a car load of young girls slowed to check me out, thinking I was a young guy, until they saw my white hair under my hat..
Patrick, believe me, I feel your pain I still think of myself as the young stud doing tricks on my bicycles and skateboards, and still try to, only to see a old guy looking back at me.

wd....I like to tell people that while I can't avoid aging, I will never get old. Our bodies and it's condition is not who we are.

I know better than anyone what a shot to the ego it can be when you realize the reality of time and consequence.

My epiphany came after many years of rehab. I asked FBII to come snow boarding with me. 1 hour in I was beyond frustrated. My son said "Dad stop trying to use the body you had before the accident, it's gone. Use the body you have". Smart son I have.

I had to re-define some parts of my life and completely re-invent some others.

Do that. Find new things to stimulate you. Be happy that you're still kicking.

My main problem is in my late 50s, I still try/ want to continue to do the same things I did in my teens and 20's. Reality is starting to kick in that its just not possible anymore. Well, not that its not possible, just that now there are consequences. My body sure doesn't have that short recovery time that it used to. I'm a lot more subconsciously cautious about not doing possibly harmful stuff. Fear I was somewhat fearless only a few years ago. Other thing to is, I sometimes look silly or foolish trying to do those things but, I want to keep doing things that I greatly enjoy.

While that reality is there, the other part of me sometimes gets a little sad and depressed. Yeah, I guess that I have a hard time accepting that I am going to be an "old man" eventually and there is nothing I can do about it.

Like my favorite singer sings... Growing old but not up....


.

Spooky. Like more than spooky.

I could have written every post in this thread. I just told my cousin that my driving has changed. I’ve begun to second guess myself. Completely automatic assessments of driving situations, like who goes first at the four-way stop I’ve been driving through for 30 years now cause hesitation. I have to think when I drive. I have to think when I go to the ATM, I have to think about what I’m doing.

It’s never been like this before. This conversation has come up fairly frequently, these days. All of a sudden, lots of people I know swear by Prevagen.

It’s definitely weird being the same age as old people.

I’m only 64 and feel old. Where the **** did all the time go?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me

when I’m sixty-four?

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1692366202.jpg

Growing older is something that happens every second of the day. Yea, I sure can't do the things I did when I was in my 20s and 30s, but I sure have more knowledge.

My motto for many years is in my signature below. But I like typing it out:

I will never be too old to have a happy childhood!

Getting old sucks, but it beats the alternative.

What an interesting thread. I thought I knew who I was till my wife died .
Now. just fking lost . Im a dad and a dirty auto mechanic in rural america

I can't fathom what you"ve been through Fred.... I be lost too. You sir, are a dad .... and a damn good one too ..... between your boy and "more time", you'll find yourself again.

Same for everyone posting .... life changes us .... it's inevitable.

Best too you all ... you guys are dealing with your own "self image" .... meanwhile, as Steve mentioned earlier .... I see "rock stars".

Take care guys....

Wow. That is 1000% where I am at with driving. Exactly what it's like.

Exactly. Only too often I forget to stop and think.

I listened to a Podcast about Alzheimer's and the Alzheimer's doc talked about forgetfulness. She said a lot of "forgetfulness" is actually just not paying attention (or stop and think as you put it). When you are doing one thing and thinking about another, you tend to forget what you were doing - or even if you have done it at all. Like pulling up to a 4 way stop and not knowing who got there first because you were thinking about what you need to pick up at the parts store. It seems like as we age we lose the ability to think about more that one thing at a time.
So, yes. Think. And remind yourself to think. It's a new skill I've got to learn.

You are a stronger man than a lot of us. I've read your story for a long time here. It's like you've been living in a cement mixer for a lot of years and you're still standing.

Being "... a dad and a dirty auto mechanic in rural America," is a lot to be proud of. You've got something honorable to hang your hat on there. Think of fastfredracing as an honorable man. A lot of us Pelicans do.

Much of that is just doing things on autopilot.

Like going to the car and buckling up, and starting the car, putting it in gear, and using turn signals. No real conscious thought of the steps involved after a lifetime of doing it. I regularly go to a local grocery store on a mission to buy bananas and milk or whatever, and end up at home with my purchase, and I was thinking of some work project we are in the middle of.

Just this week, for the first time in 32 yeas of driving my El Camino, I have just one key to unlock the doors and the same round key for the ignition. It makes me stop and think, oh yea, no square key needed now, just use the door key. It is strange to have to use conscious thought to get the car going.

Thanks, appreciate you Patrick, all of you actually !! Did not mean to hi jack your thread . I feel for you and your struggles also . Its great to see you posting again . Getting old sucks .
Still wish we could have hooked up in the OBX a few years back

After retiring (58) the Dr’s visits increased. The at 65 (Medicare) kicked in, they went exponentially. Funny, well maybe not, i’m at a Pain Clinic for a consult for a steroid injection in the lower spine. I guess too much time on dirt bikes. Six years of Motocross and 15 years of Enduros. And all the fun practices and fun. Jumping of aircraft wings to the ground didn’t help either. I can’t jump and climb like a monkey anymore either.

As we age we have so much in common, but there are many differences, depending upon how one used or abused their bodies in their younger days. Over stages in my careers I spent a lot of time climbing in and out of delivery trucks,(hundreds of times each day), working on concrete floors and dragging pallet jacks with up to a ton and repeatedly lifting 40 lbs. plus. My knees and back were not forgiving of that **** and the accommodation I hit on was to lose weight. I get far less "feedback " from those parts of my body these days.
At the same time I have become a proponent of, "work smarter, not harder ". Yes, it may take longer to set up a task, but I reduce my risk of injury. I have to keep sight of the fact there is no back up if I put myself out of commission. My wife can drive the tractor, but she can't attach the implements.
As for driving, I still enjoy it. My vision is good. However I value comfort over sportiness. I sold the NA Miata 5 years ago and don't miss it. I posted a thread here some months ago when I bought a used Jetta with the 6 speed auto over a Golf with the 5 speed manual. I realized the transmission did a better job of selecting gears than I in most situations. Don't get me wrong. I still enjoy hustling down a twisty road, but I appreciate the car looks after me. I have done over 700 km in a day in the car and it suits me.
At this point, I think adaptation is key.

Best
Les