Kids are so fragile
 

Got a terrible reminder this morning about how fragile children really are. If you know of a teen struggling or heading down the wrong path don't be afraid to offer help or reach out to find them help. It is a damned ****ty feeling to wish you had.

What I wrote in the other thread:


I use the phrase "The Innocents" - these are the animals, the very young, the elderly, and the impaired.

I advocate for The Innocents - because they need and more importantly DESERVE our protection.

Everyone else is on their own as far as I'm concerned......

Sorry to hear but posting that w/o any other info seems vacant to me.

Zeke really not wanting to post details on a public forum as there is a family having the worst day of their lives right now.

I'm still sorry for them, but what is the point then?

the point is what i posted. if you see someone struggling reach out. be a part of the community instead of just an observer who rationalises to himself why he really couldn't have done anything. The details really aren't very important.

We've been through what I suspect you're dealing with. It's horrible. Time will numb things a bit.

Very sorry for what that family is going through.... you too BF.

It was 35 years ago when it hit close to me .... a lady friend I worked with. I played volleyball with her and her 14 year old son quite a bit...

Blindsided .... each and every one of us.

Not sure what's going on but I wish your family member recover from this soon.

I will start, my younger boy, 15 will be 16 in a few months is struggling with what I think is mild case of low self esteem or maybe mild case of depression due to lack of friends and getting cut from the volleyball team which he wanted so much to be part of, like him older brother. Covid really fook him up with growth socially. He's now attends high school without knowing too many people from his home school. The other day, I was bothering him and he blew up, screamed at me and came crying within a min or two hugging me asking for forgiveness and realized he has taken our his anger and frustration out on me. What bother me the most was what he said,"My life, I am just crawling along daily and there's no end to this." Its been eating into me every time I see him. We aren't sure if we need profession help yet. My fear with that is once they seek help, there's a shadow hanging over him knowing something is wrong with him. Its very difficult to recover from that once they are labeled.

Greatest condolences to your friend and his family. I have a high school classmate whose daughter committed suicide a couple years ago. I know he thinks about her every moment of every day.

This is a heart breaking post, berettafan. My condolences to those who suffer.

Look 171 : I am no expert but it sounds like your son needs help . Have you and his mom discussed with him what's going on ? If he's not willing to open up to you then find someone he will . Talking openly is the first step .

Pete, Hes the one with the Colnago and the Trek, my wife and I talked about this at times but he will open up some. Tells us he's ok. He's happiest with the couple kids that live about 9 miles away on the net playing games. Likes to hang with them but they are his brother's friends. Anyway, I don't want to take this thread sideways. Wife and I need to talk a bit more about this. Thanks

Jeff

Help and projects, projects, projects. Keep them busy doing interesting things and/or helping others.

Condolences to any have been through this. I've lost a few, but not a child. Can't even imagine.

Dave

Seek professional help, look.

Family counseling, individual, group, whatever.

Offer to go with him, whatever.

berettafan- your message is understood and taken by me. Valuable reminder.

You're not taking this thread sideways Jeff....

As others have posted .... seek help, and don't worry about any potential stigma, etc.

The local universities as they have been starting are really pushing this too..... talking to someone and seeking help.

Best to your family and your son....

Not sideways at all. It is the very point in fact. Get counseling for your kiddo Look. A LOT of kids see counselors. Far more than you would think. Even the 'popular' kids. If your son is opening up to you like that he may be asking for help. I can share some personal experience with this if you need, just shoot a pm with your number. My take is you're fortunate your son is opening up to you. That is a gift for sure.

This is fortunately not family but couldn't be much closer to home.

I remember it being VERY rough to be a teen. I didn't click with most kids. I usually had 1 or 2 good friends and a few folks that were friendly to chat with in school, but not a big group of friends or accepted by most. I remember depression at times. College was better. It seemed to me that college was MUCH less cliquey. I still wasn't popular, but I had a group of friends. Post college and work got even better. Hopefully, your son is just going through a rough patch, and things improve greatly for me.

I'm sure being a teen is at least as hard or harder today with social media, or maybe it's just different. It sure felt pretty rough to me back then. I never saw professional help, but I don't know that it wouldn't have helped. Maybe, maybe not.

Good luck with and to your son.

That's pretty astute that he knows this. I'm sure I had a lot of those days and didn't know what the hell was up. I got cut from a team as well, but I guess my heart wasn't set on it. I had other gains that made up for not being a jock. That's the thing, everyone is not and doesn't need to be a jock. The sooner he realizes that he has talents in other areas he could downplay the cut. It won't go away though. That sort of thing is always there. So it's a good idea to divert focus to any gains and realize that losses happen. Tough for kids with peer pressure.

That's another thing, understanding where the boy is at. It's not possible for me to understand kids now.

One other thing: I know this for a fact. Kids see you for who and what you are. In your case, a successful businessman with properties. More than one high end Porsche and expensive bicycles. What does he have? What does he think he will have?

Two guys I knew well had fathers that were enormously successful financially and socially. You couldn't touch these guys. Of course each thought their son would follow suit. What they didn't know was that they seemed too good, too powerful, out of reach. So the kids turned the other way and did what they could do that was sort of untouchable. And in both cases bad choices were made but they knew their old man wasn't going to be better at what they chose. The fathers didn't know when to not bring it home.

I don't want to paint a dark picture here, so I won't. Fathers and sons and mothers and daughters should not necessarily be best friends, but they have to be close. My dad was half way up that major success tree and we weren't close. I couldn't relate to the golf country club life and didn't. So I bailed.

The other two guys bailed in a bad way. To get attention. Think about this.

High School is one of the most psychologically dangerous places on earth. Especially if you're not among those considered the cool kids.

High school is brutal. But get this, not only did we have 'off' campus social fraternities and sororities in high school, we had feeder clubs in jr. high. There was of course a pecking order and if you were in the premier jr. high club, you were assured being "asked out" to the premier club at HS.

I was always amazed at the late transplants to the school system that managed to invade the system. However, if you weren't part of the initial pledges at either school you weren't ever going to be in. The school seldom deviated from the president of the top fraternity also being elected class president.

I hate the school system to this day. I hate the system to this day. As soon as I learned what the word repudiated meant, I was on that train.

There’s a reason lord of the flies is a classic…

And required reading for us in Jr. High.

why dont we try to fix the hyeracheral systems of bullying/status in high school instead of putting the onus to solve the problems on the victims of the problem?

ie, we accept children for who they are.

im not saying we shouldnt help children and parents with therapy and couseling individually ... im saying, we should actually seek to dismantle the systems that create the problem rather than just treat the symtoms.

First of all, to the OP, great reminder. I hope the family can recover.

Look 171, you are at the point of professional help. Find a good family counselor who has experience with teens. My daughter is a mental health professional if you need any help with how to find good resources.

My father committed suicide at 19 shortly after I was born. It still impacts his family 60 years later.

The owner of the PT clinic I go to lost his son a few years back. They have created a foundation in his name with the goal of helping others. There may be good resources on their website.

https://kellencares.org/

Best, Jerry

In another world this might be possible to even consider. What do they say? You can't fix stupid. Too many layers. Parents. Uggh.

of course we can fix it. what a silly notion.

we built the system, we can fix it. the concept of high school itself is like less than 120 years old. we can just fix it.

for example, we could start with not having adults who are pro-bullying. not to PARF this up, but we absolutly have adults who are pro-bullying.

Perhaps of interest:

"Murthy issued a 53-page advisory on youth mental health (PDF) in 2021, saying, “Mental health challenges in children, adolescents, and young adults are real, and they are widespread. But most importantly, they are treatable, and often preventable.”"

Dartmouth to Convene Surgeons General Around Mental Health


https://home.dartmouth.edu/news/2023/08/dartmouth-convene-surgeons-general-around-mental-health?utm_source=linkedin&utm_medium=social&utm_c ampaign=wellness

"More information, including how to register or access the livestream, will be available soon."

I don't mind that you're an idealist. Go, man.

its not idealism.

its taking responsiblity for building a better world and not giving up, and just saying "its too hard to better"

Kids have different ideals than we have and different ideals than we had as kids. Sometimes its difficult to relate to each other.

Digital societies are the new reality, yet us oldsters see them as a problem because we don't understand the intricacies. We think we do but don't.

My 13 year old son has friends in various communities (school, ski club, racing, dirtbiking, etc.). I think being part of several friend groups is key for kids these days and digital technology keep them in touch. He is shy but doesn't seem to have trouble making friends. Its weird tho, some kids he just doesn't really associate with (including his bubble wrapped cousins that are the same age because they have nothing in common).

All this being said, my son has seen councilors in the past and even recently with the assault at school and the resulting concussion that destroyed his ski race season (career) last winter. That was a hard one for him and us. Counseling helps with the right councilor. We are very open with him and I hope this continues.

Jeff - best of luck with your boy. remember, parenting is 'long days and short years'.