How's your relationship with your child's significant other?

[rockfan4]

Another awkward Christmas is past. We don't get to spend actual Christmas with my stepdaughter's family, his grandparents and parents come first I guess. They're here either a couple days before or a couple after.

I think he said about two sentences to us at dinner Monday night. Didn't really talk to him yesterday, and today he stayed in the bedroom while my stepdaughter loaded up the car and got everything ready to go. He just doesn't seem to want to connect with us. Seems kind of odd.

They've been married almost 3 years, together about 5 1/2, maybe 6 1/2 years.

[Bugsinrugs]

I’m sorry that he behaves this way. Sometimes I wish I didn’t befriend my daughters boyfriends. The love of her life was from England. Maybe the most handsome young man I have met. Great guy. Loved him . He dropped dead lifting weights at the gym. 33 years old. My daughter is still a wreck.

[Crowbob]

My kids and their kids call my SO Gramma. Usually followed by ‘I love you!’

There are usually three Grammas and one Grampa at Christmas dinner.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Young Oliver got a kick out of his sudden observation, ‘Grampa, there’s a Gramma Kathy, a Gramma Karen and a Gramma Debbie here!’

Lots and lots of forgiveness got us all to such a really wonderful place. I highly recommend it.

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by rockfan4

Another awkward Christmas is past. We don't get to spend actual Christmas with my stepdaughter's family, his grandparents and parents come first I guess. They're here either a couple days before or a couple after.

I think he said about two sentences to us at dinner Monday night. Didn't really talk to him yesterday, and today he stayed in the bedroom while my stepdaughter loaded up the car and got everything ready to go. He just doesn't seem to want to connect with us. Seems kind of odd.

They've been married almost 3 years, together about 5 1/2, maybe 6 1/2 years.

Have you asked her why? Told her that you want to get to know him/them better? Maybe he just assumes he's "the enemy"

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by Bugsinrugs

I’m sorry that he behaves this way. Sometimes I wish I didn’t befriend my daughters boyfriends. The love of her life was from England. Maybe the most handsome young man I have met. Great guy. Loved him . He dropped dead lifting weights at the gym. 33 years old. My daughter is still a wreck.

Oh man- To face this at her young age. She'll recover I'm sure but damn thats hard.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Crowbob

My kids and their kids call my SO Gramma. Usually followed by ‘I love you!’

There are usually three Grammas and one Grampa at Christmas dinner.

It’s a beautiful thing.

Young Oliver got a kick out of his sudden observation, ‘Grampa, there’s a Gramma Kathy, a Gramma Karen and a Gramma Debbie here!’

Lots and lots of forgiveness got us all to such a really wonderful place. I highly recommend it.

That's beautimous CB !

[Arizona_928]

I think it's an individual morality issue.


I've dated gals that hated my parents and some that loved them. I have also lost a couple friends due to a controlling girlfriend then wife. I think that's just the point of dating and compromise that one is willing to make.

[varmint]

https://youtu.be/2sK2HaGzscs

[rockfan4]

Originally Posted by cstreit

Have you asked her why? Told her that you want to get to know him/them better? Maybe he just assumes he's "the enemy"

I don't know this as fact, but I believe when my stepdaughter got pregnant, my wife may have given him a "get your (poop) together" talk, as at the time he would work a job for 6 weeks to 3 months, then say "they don't respect me at work", quit, and sit at home until eventually taking another menial job. He's had his current job for at least a year and a half now, so maybe the talk worked? I know their marriage hasn't been as smooth as one could hope, and they do have a almost 2 year old daughter that we adore.

On the name front, we are Papa and Gigi, his mom and stepdad are grampa and gramma, and I don't remember what my wife's ex and his girlfriend are called, but they also have unique names.

[jcommin]

I have had some awful Christmases. It is a holiday I can take or leave and it usually ends up with someone saying or doing something stupid (usually it's my ex) .

I'm divorced: my ex is Jewish and my kids are raised Jewish so Christmas was a blend when my parents were alive. That changed when they past on - we didn't celebrate Christmas as much. We traveled or stayed home eating Chinese and going to movies, I got use to it - Christmas became a non event. I have had some ugly holidays during my marriage that I would rather forget.:

Fast forward, my kids are grown and they celebrate the holiday differently. They have families and have put up trees but there is no religious connection. My ex and I have celebrated birthdays and holidays with them - it is different. We get along - so long as things don't go south. I'm guarded and I will excuse myself and leave. I have the attitude, the date means nothing to me. I need no drama during the holidays or special events. My ex can/could train wreck a holiday. I actuality like my DILs and their families. But, I'm not vested in them - I see them on special occasions. They don't get in my head.

So I truly empathize with those who struggle with the holidays. I'm in a better spot today but there were times I couldn't wait for the new year and get past holidays.

Happy New Year everyone!

[cstreit]

Originally Posted by rockfan4

I don't know this as fact, but I believe when my stepdaughter got pregnant, my wife may have given him a "get your (poop) together" talk, as at the time he would work a job for 6 weeks to 3 months, then say "they don't respect me at work"

I know the type. They havent learned respect is earned and not given.

[sc_rufctr]

I tend to keep my distance from the people involved with my children. Right now my kids are great and so are their partners. I hope it stays that way. Christmas is easy. My ex wife and I take it in turns... Lunch/Dinner/New Years day etc. I don't have any sort of relationships with my ex wife but we're civil to each other when we meet up at family events. Even then I keep my distance.

[oldE]

My son seems to have pretty good taste in women. So no problems on that side. They were planning to come down for a visit after Christmas once her folks went home, but we had to cancel due to sickness in our household.
Rockfan's post sounded so familiar. I remember driving my grand daughter's father home after she was born and hearing him say, "I've got to get a job. " Yeah, right.
They've been separated for about four years now. He lives with his mother (who is a real sweetie) and my daughter has a relationship with a guy who is not so bad.
We make sure our grand daughter sees both of her parents and her other grandmother. For an eight year old, she has a pretty good understanding of their capabilities and has learned what to expect.
I find I don't expect too much either.

Best
Les

[flatbutt]

I have great relations with my DIL and SIL. I've spent time alone with each of them. I am totally devoted to my grandchildren, and they see that so maybe that has something to do with it.

The DIL, granddaughter and I recently attended a performance of the Nutcracker then had dinner together having a splendid time. The SIL and I bonded over football and hockey and now talk about all manner of stuff. It was tough for awhile as he lost his father suddenly and at too young an age. I think he kept his distance due to the pain of that. Now, we are much closer.

[rockfan4]

Update:
Looks like we may not have an awkward Thanksgiving this year, or at least less awkward than usual.
My stepdaughter threw him out of the house earlier this week. This is maybe number 3 or 4. I've lost count. She is a member of the Quad Cities Music Guild, and last week and this they are performing Sweeney Todd. I guess he showed up on opening night plastered drunk, and totally embarrassed her.

My wife is doing what she can to make this separation permanent. She's trying to convince her daughter to file for divorce. She might be right, then again she might be reliving her own failed first marriage, I don't know. The last time she tossed him out they were supposed to do counseling. I guess he only went to one session.

Any tips for dealing with a child's (stepchild in my case) marital problems? My plan right now is to just stay out of it, but support her if she needs something, including helping removing his stuff from the house and changing the locks.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by rockfan4

Update:
Looks like we may not have an awkward Thanksgiving this year, or at least less awkward than usual.
My stepdaughter threw him out of the house earlier this week. This is maybe number 3 or 4. I've lost count. She is a member of the Quad Cities Music Guild, and last week and this they are performing Sweeney Todd. I guess he showed up on opening night plastered drunk, and totally embarrassed her.

My wife is doing what she can to make this separation permanent. She's trying to convince her daughter to file for divorce. She might be right, then again she might be reliving her own failed first marriage, I don't know. The last time she tossed him out they were supposed to do counseling. I guess he only went to one session.

Any tips for dealing with a child's (stepchild in my case) marital problems? My plan right now is to just stay out of it, but support her if she needs something, including helping removing his stuff from the house and changing the locks.

Ouch, lots going on. Hopefully, if not this time, then soon, the break is permanent.
It would be great if he got his sheiße together and they were a happy family, but it doesn't sound like there's much chance of that. Be there for your daughter however she needs you. Let me know explicitly, "whatever you need, we're here for you in whatever way we can be."

If you're too openly, actively against the DB, then that can backfire.

Those are my thoughts on the matter.

[Tobra]

A closed mouth gathers no feet

[3rd_gear_Ted]

My SIL is my hero, married my pregnant daughter @ 20, she's 42 now with two young adults.
Daughter is the bread winner cuz I told her husbands don't come with guaranteed income.
We own a vacation home with them on the Colorado River together.
SIL is a gearhead like me, truly blessed.

[id10t]

Daughter broke up with her boyfriend, but it is all good so I don't have to take him crab fishing or anything like that...

Son hasn't started dating (lord knows why, he's 19... )

Youngest daughter is 12... if she's got a SO.... well, lets not go there.

And just to put a finishing note on it - I was fine with mom's SO (from about a year after dad died until Carl died last year)

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Tobra

A closed mouth gathers no feet

I have never, once, commented on my children's choices of partners.

Why should I? I always tell them I love them, the rest is up to you.

Trying to handicap your children's paramour's makes betting the ponies look reasonable.