The Park Is Closed

[wdfifteen]

In 1 Corinthians Paul tells his people, ..."your body is a temple."

Somehow I didn’t get the message.

For nearly 70 years I’ve treated my body pretty much like an amusement park. From getting thrown off of horses, crashing bikes, high school football, motorcycle and car crashes, chemical abuse, skiing accidents, roller blade crashes, and running marathons as an arthritic 60 year old, my devil-may-care, fun-loving brain has ridden my body like a cheap whore. I admit I have slowed down over the years, but until now I still harbored plans to get back to roller blading someday at the very least.

No more.

The park is closed.

I came to this conclusion after having spine surgery this past Friday. The experience presented some challenges, mostly, but not limited to, pain and passing gas.

The Pain
I had sailed through joint replacement in my feet, ACL surgery, and wisdom teeth removal without using any of the pain meds the Docs gave me. I put the pills on the bathroom shelf and forgot about them. So when the spine surgeon said there would be significant pain from this procedure I thought, “Forget it Doc, you don’t know who you’re dealing with here.” Turns out it was a good thing I still had all those pills from before. "Significant Pain," turn out to be an understatement.

I responded to the pain by being pissed off at it and wanting to punch it in the face. Lying there in the bed I had time to examine the experience of pain and to plan my revenge. I noticed there were actually several elements to the pain, a low weak ache, a powerful relentless ache, a weak sharp pain, a powerful sharp pain, and a sharp pain that hid in the dark corners and jumped out with a cattle prod now and then with no warning. The worst one was the powerful dull ache.

I was taking Percocet every four hours. It took about half an hour after taking the pills before the pain chorus to settle down and I then felt pretty good for an hour, then the strong dull ache in my hips would start. I tried a variety of old tricks, finally settling on pulling my knees up slowly and then slowly sliding my feet down to the end of the bed. The soothing sensation of my feet sliding slowly and softly up and down across the cool sheet was a good counter punch to the monster in my hips. I wasn't without pain, but I was showing it who was boss. During the last half an hour of the cycle the pain chorus became more chaotic and louder, everyone joined in like an orchestra tuning up before a concert. Then it was time for another pill and the cycle started over again.

Farting
Almost from the moment I woke up Loren, my nurse, was obsessed with my fartage. Other than this odd little interest she seemed like a nice enough woman. Every few minutes she would stop in and ask if I had passed any gas.

“Nope.”

Then she would put her stethoscope to my belly and say, “I want to hear some gastric activity in here.” (“Gastric Activity” - didn’t they open for “Spinal Tapp?”)
I don’t know which specific muscles are engaged in farting, but every muscle from my knees to my ribs was on fire and the fart muscles were for sure included in there somewhere. Never in my life have I experienced fear of the pain of cutting a fart. But pressure was building up in my abdomen, and sooner or later something was going to have to give.

And it did.

Suddenly a completely unbidden blast of gas ripped out of me that could have knocked birds off of power lines clear over in Pittsburg. And I hadn’t had to do a thing. No pain. Just relief.

Loren came in with a couple of nurses and ask the same old question.

“Loren, I've been fartin’ like a cow!!”

There were high fives and fist bumps all the way around.

Over a fart.

You have to take your victories when they come, no matter how small they may be.

Saturday morning it was time for me to take my first walk. Loren was fussing around trying to tie my gown in back, and I told her, "Don't worry about that. After all this I don't have any dignity left to preserve.
She said, "Tell me about it. I just had a baby three months ago. I have no secrets." That occasioned a laugh and another fist bump.

I don’t think I'll ever elevate my body to temple status. It just doesn't fit me. But a stately old edifice like an old Carnegie library would suit my self image just fine.

[greglepore]

I have a great spinal surgery pain anecdote, but I'll save it 'til your out of the hospital.

[porsche tech]

Back to work on the Speedster tomorrow?

[Seahawk]

Patrick, remember, please, it ain't over 'til:



Funny but true. You get to decide.

My money is on you.

[steveo12345]

[LWJ]

Heal up. Sounds like you actually lived a life. Nice.

[ramonesfreak]

I don’t know why but as I read this the voice of the guy that does the narration in A Christmas Story was reading the post in my head

Feel better soon

[Baz]

Don't let the old man in.......

[rwest]

Hang in there Patrick, hope you get better soon and the pain lessens.

Get lots of people to pull your finger and see if that triggers some more farts! Seriously, I think they want to know that pressure is releasing where it should and they didn’t nick something in the path while doing the surgery.

[Reg]

I’m just starting to feel the aches and pains of aging. Hope the worst is over and maybe think about taking up a new hobby! Keep the old man out as Baz just said.

[Tobra]

She did not care so much about the gas as the potential for bowel obstruction. Ice packs for surgical site, prunes for the other thing

[Bugsinrugs]

Modern medicine is incredible. They are keeping us alive and living longer. It does come with a price. And I don’t need any surgery to knock pigeons off of power lines.Great line by the way!

[herr_oberst]

Good story, Patrick (as per usual. You're a BS'er - a born storyteller.)

(I've signed you up for a 25 mile off-road bicycle ride in your native Ohio for the first part of May of '24. You can thank me later.)

[Rot 911]

Glad I have been able to dodge the surgery bullet, so far. Hope you get to feeling better soon!

[72doug2,2S]

A storm is coming young bucks!

Everybody knows it, we are all getting old.

The Temple is also this old house - some hints to the text below

-Keepers = legs
-Strong men = biceps
-Grinders = teeth
-Windows = Eyes (losing sight)
-Doors = Ears (machinery becomes soft, but sometimes you stir up over a quiet noise)
-Fear of what is high = fear of falling
-Terrors = fear of leaving the home, too weak to fight off attacks
-Almond Tree blossom= white hair (white flower)
-Grasshopper dragging = Normally full of life and flight, but not before death
-Failing desire = we no longer have the urges of youth
-Silver cord/bowl/pitcher/cistern wheel = water from a well, the life blood of a house
-Mourners go about the street = it's expected the old will die, so they attend a funeral and then immediately talk about hitting up a restaurant or go shopping


Ecclesiastes 12

3. in the day when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men are bent, and the grinders cease because they are few, and those who look through the windows are dimmed, 4 and the doors on the street are shut—when the sound of the grinding is low, and one rises up at the sound of a bird, and all the daughters of song are brought low— 5 they are afraid also of what is high, and terrors are in the way; the almond tree blossoms, the grasshopper drags itself along,[a] and desire fails, because man is going to his eternal home, and the mourners go about the streets— 6 before the silver cord is snapped, or the golden bowl is broken, or the pitcher is shattered at the fountain, or the wheel broken at the cistern, 7 and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. 8 Vanity[b] of vanities, says the Preacher; all is vanity.

[porsche tech]

Love the biblical references.

Not nearly the same thing but several years ago I had a bicycle accident and broke my pelvis and collar bone, neither of which they do anything for (arm sling for collar bone). ER gave me Percocet which I thought would send me to la-la land but it did nothing except to constipate me. The orthopedic guy with whom I had a follow up a few days later said “I never give my patients narcotics”. He said prescription strength Motrin and Tylenol. Which means three of the OTC. 3 Motrin in AM, 3 Tylenol at noon 3 Motrin in PM. No more pain…or at least very minimal. Got one of these for a buddy who had back surgery:

[Zeke]

Patrick said he might be off the board for a while. Right, 2 days after surgery. Creative writing with a great theme (see what I did there?). Meds are good for creativity.

Glad you're in good spirits. Anyone that can write brilliantly about a fart is in good spirits.

[rockfan4]

About a month ago I went to a Physical Medicine doc to talk over my options for my back pain. Not much of an actual exam, just a talk, he watched me walk, pushed on a few things with a "does this hurt?". Maybe a 15 to 20 minute event.
They bill in 15 minute increments.
Wouldn't you know, with his research time before the appointment, and the time it took to type up the results, the time came to exactly 46 minutes, so I get billed for a full hour. $551.00. Debating complaining about it.

[wdfifteen]

I think I said I wouldn’t be posting in the Speedster thread. I’m limited to the main floor of the house for a while and all the car work is downstairs.

I’m not reporting any of this to get sympathy, but I do want you guys in your 50s and 60s to read it and consider when to go about filling out your bucket list. I’ve had a full live and I don’t have many “wish I hads” to feel regret over.

Looks like the fun part of this adventure is over. After the first two nights I wasn’t feeling too bad until yesterday afternoon. As long as the catheter was in I could take any pain meds they wanted me to take. Yesterday they took the catheter out and the selection dropped considerably. Because of my enlarged prostate I can’t have opioids or NSAIDS, which doesn’t leave much. So the pain is really challenging me. I still had some Percocet on board last night I guess. Couldn’t pee. I went to bed at8 8 and got up at 8 and my sleep tracker said I got 3 hours of sleep. Most of the night was spent standing in front of the toilet trying to pee.

[rockfan4]

Originally Posted by wdfifteen

Because of my enlarged prostate I can’t have opioids or NSAIDS,

Thanks, I didn't know this. I haven't officially been diagnosed with an enlarged prostate, but as I get older I sure pee a lot more often.

The doc I mentioned above wants me to start a 10 day program of 500mg of Naproxen twice a day, along with up to 1000mg of acetaminophen 3 times a day. I was supposed to have a colonoscopy about 2 weeks after this visit, and when I asked the GI nurse she recommended holding off on that until after the colonoscopy. Then the wife gave me covid, the colonoscopy got rescheduled, and I still haven't opened the naproxen bottle. Now I might not take it at all, or hold off until my back acts up again.