If someone complains about something, do you automatically offer solutions?
 

If anyone comes to me and expresses that they are trying to do XYZ, and they are having a problem accomplishing XYZ, my natural reaction is to brainstorm, and offer possible solution(s). It's not something that I think about. It just happens. Not only that, but my jobs since 1998 have all been primarily fixing things (IT). And from a certain point of view, most of my jobs since 1992 have been the same (before IT, I tended bar and worked at an auto parts store, both jobs where the customer has a problem [needs/wants something] that I could fix [give them what they want/need]).

Most of the time, folks seem to appreciate it. Except when it's my wife. She expresses frustration at having some sort of problem. I offer solutions. I invariably get the response that she didn't need/want my help or want a solution. My thought is usually (in my head), "then why did you tell me?"

I've seen a few things online in the past that try to say that it's intrinsic for men to be like that. Obviously, that's not 100% for all men (in my personal experience for myself, it's 100%)

I just did a google search a min ago for "men want to fix things" and "men are fixers" got a bunch of hits, and most of them are about this same thing (apparently "fixer" is a thing these days) and most of the links seem to be indicating that this is an issue (that needs to be fixed). I guess we shouldn't fix stuff unless explicitly asked. LOL

Depends on the person.

I think it comes down to having astute senses in reading the situation… some like to vent. Some want solutions. Some want encouragement. There’s even weirdos that want praise.

Women don't want you to solve the problem, they want you to empathize with the emotions the problems have caused.

In the feminine world feelings = power. When you solve the problem you are ignoring their feelings and rendering them powerless. Yeah it's dumb.

I’ve been working on and getting better at being empathetic first and then depending on what the problem is asking what they have tried and maybe then offer a solution I think might work.

There are different types of problems and they take different approaches. For example, a relationship problem is much different than an engine problem.

Most of us want to genuinely help others and sometimes the best solution is to just listen.

This siht right here us worth its weight in gold but it is so true.

I have learned, if the wife is complaining about having difficulty accomplishing something, to ask if she would like me to pitch in. I am embarrassed to say how long it took me to learn that simple thing.
I have also adopted that approach to problems expressed by others, IF I give a darn. Life is too short to waste time in needless frustration.

Best
Les

Yep, and I'm practically blind when it comes to reading people.

Yep, when someone explains that, I understand. But as far as I can tell, I'm hard wired to solve the problem. I've thought many times "when X happens do Y instead of Z". Unfortunately, 99.999% of the time, hard wiring takes over before I remember that I wanted to do something differently.

Years ago, at work, I sat across from a girl. We were in a pretty hard core, IT problem solving environment. We were also friendly and chatted quite a bit (we sat opposite each other face to face). She came back from lunch one day. She'd gone to some store and asked a clerk to hold something for her until she came back after work. The girl told her that she couldn't due to company policy. The girl came back really irritated about it and vented to me. I wasn't empathetic. I tried to explain how the girl was just doing her job. Then my coworker was pissed at me. She barely spoke to me the rest of the day, and we chatted a lot less and were far less friendly after that incident. I wasn't bothered by it, but I did think it was pretty funny. I think I may have actually laughed at her when she got mad at me about it, which probably didn't help the situation.

Yep, I get it, but "getting it" isn't helping me rewire my natural response, unfortunately.

I still haven't learned it. I've heard it and though "I should do that!"

It's not happening. I've even thought "when someone (especially the missus) complains about something, just stare at them and STFU." If I'm not talking, I can't say the wrong thing, and as long as I'm looking at them, I'll be perceived as listening. It's still not happening.

You and many of us here. Been doing it our whole lives and have to switch gear when we walk into the house. It took me a long time to be a fooking a mind reader. Since a young age, I have problem solved for and along with others, and they come to me for answers since about the beginning of college when I started getting involved construction related jobs. Some get really complex and there's always a solution but the questions at home are so simple but she wanted an ear or a game of guess what I really mean?

I noticed women don't do this siht in the beginning of a relationship or friendship. Once they spend some time with you or gotten to know you well, then this BS starts like we are suppose to read their minds. I bet if that was some random coworker you knew little about and if you offer the same advice to her, I bet you wouldn't get the silent treatment.

Women are not logical. Logic just seems to not be in their makeup. Every woman I've ever known (plenty) is just nucking futs (at least in my male pea brain)

roflmao!

https://i.makeagif.com/media/4-25-2017/koU0bq.gif

Guilty :D . I think most men that are gear heads/handy tend to help others . And most people receiving the help are thankful . There are exceptions of course but that's OK.

In my experience:

Men are just as good at being a Karen as women. I can confess that my own sense of doing jobs right and being a perfectionist can induce Karen urges. Most times I conquer them and remain disappointed in the population as a whole.

Women want to be listened to and verified when they are down.

Women are better problem solvers than men when they are up. Or when the problem doesn't involve them.

Women listen and think and then do, men do and don't think and then trying doing again.

Never thought of it that way, but yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And once you’ve “solved” the problem you no longer a need to give them your attention. More lost power.

This is why I will offer solutions to anyone I am not married to

Dumb, but brutal reality. I learned this a long time ago when one of my PM's got really huffy with me during a bi-weekly 1-1. Me, tech/PM mindset was trying help her problem solve. She stopped talking, got up, looked at me and said (paraphrasing):

"You know, it's not always about a problem that I need your help solving, sometimes I just need you to listen so I can get stuff off my chest."

Lesson learned, changed my approach on a number of aspects from then on. I owe her for that.

Corollary: My wife will frequently "think out loud" when it comes to problem-solving. This drives me nuts.

She'll bring up a problem. She'll present her solution (or at least I thought that's what she was doing). I'll think it's not a good idea for x number of reasons. I thought she was presenting her final solution, because that's what I would have done if I were to have brought up a dilemma with her.

But it wasn't her actual final solution. It was actually a preliminary thought on the topic. In the meantime, my mind has already veto'd the idea and thought of a different way to come about the solution. But she's not there yet in her thought process, so I'm deemed to be the insensitive/impatient one for not listening to her ideas, even if she eventually also comes to the conclusion that they were not a good solution to the original problem at hand.

Exactly

Read "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus." Perfectly outlined in detail the differences. However, it does not solve the issue, only points out what we both need to be aware of.

Your wife sounds like me, and I act like your wife.
Her - “What? I thought we were going to do X. I planned on doing X!”
Me - “No, I was thinking out loud about doing X but changed my mind.”
Her - “So now what are we going to do with 5 gallons of mayonnaise?”

It's this. It's 100% that y'all aren't truly listening.
The fix is "let me pop off the first half baked idea that'll get her to shut up."

Now if I offer a fix to a man, he'll completely dismiss it thinking women are 100% clueless. I need to lead him to it so he'll think it's his idea.

Also, regardless of gender, offering unsolicited advice and solutions is just plain bad people skills. It makes you come of as condescending, aloof, and dismissive.

If you do feel compelled to opine, always preface it by asking something like, "would you mind if I said what I think I'd do?" This subconsciously puts the person complaining in a responsive mode. And if they say no, don't offer.

Gogar hit the nail on the head. When Ms Rocket has a problem or an issue, It takes all my willpower, to just listen to what she says and maybe ask a few questions.

I am construction manager and I fix problems all day, every day, so it’s in my nature to come up with a solution.

Lately, I’ve been trying to praise people for the solution they came up with, If I agree with it….

I'm an engineer. Of course I offer unsolicited solutions...

Yeah, it’s called marriage lol

Yes without hesitation.
I was put on this planet to fix things and solve problems,
that is how I look at everything.
It took her a while to get used to it
but eventually I fixed her ;)

* Have you ever been at the gym and from out of the blue some guy is telling you you're doing an exercise wrong?
* Have you ever had a guy tell you all about your Porsche, and it's obvious he knows nothing about cars?

Now imagine if every guy on the planet did that to you every moment of every day.

It's not about advice. It's the tellers attempt to establish superiority. Apes thump their chests. Humans offer advice.

After 32 years of marriage to the best wife on the planet, all of the above is true.

She will tell me about a problem or chore she has for me. I then say I will get er done. She then offers advice on how to do it. I listen, and do it my way.

It is sometime comically easy to fix some gizmo or put something together she has fought with for a while and the sought my advice.

One perfect example was our new for this year, front flowerbed. She bought a pallet of rock wall material that matches the other flowerbed we built a few years ago. Then she laid out the place she wanted it. I told her just by looking we can make it bigger with all the rock she bought. She just glared at me, and said bought the right amount. 2,200 pounds of soil filler it up, and we have a large pile of left over rock in the corner of the driveway. She said she has plans for it. No doubt, now I will get to rip up some old flowerbed to use the rocks as the border.

And that same flowerbed, I asked her three times if she wants a head from the sprinkler to be in the bed. She said no. Than AFTER the flowerbed walls were up, she decided she wanted it in there. So I had to tunnel under the wall to put the head in there. It would have been super simple to do it before the walls went up.

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1721307965.jpg

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1721307965.jpg

The bees are sure happy with it.

"I just can't get XYZ done. I've tried it 5 times!"
I see 2 valid ways to respond to that. 1 Offer assistance to get XYZ done or 2 Acknowledge that it was stated <OK, grunt, quizzical look>.
I could listen to that 1000 times and no part of that explicitly states "I need you to empathize with my feelings and don't give a damn if you know how to do XYZ.
As I see it, equating a statement like that with "I have feelings and I want you to know about/acknowledge/empathize with my feelings" means that you want us to "read your mind" NOT "listen to what I said."
I'm game for a fix from anywhere. A guy that won't accept the fix is either a moron (lots and lots of those) or maybe has tried that fix or knows for sure that it won't work.
Aloof? If I was aloof, I'd just ignore your statement.
Condescending, yep, absolutely possible. Lots of folks think they know a ton, but don't and are condescending.
Bad people skills according to whom? If I am presented with a problem by someone, to me, that sounds like a call for help. If I approach someone with "I'm trying to do something and it is not working." I don't want to talk about my feelings. I want to discuss the problem. IMO, NOT addressing the explicit statement if you have possible solution is a problem.

It's all about perspective.

"I just can't get XYZ done. I've tried it 5 times!"
appropriate response to me sounds like an offer of a solution
vs

"I'm super frustrated"
appropriate response to me sounds like "Oh no. Why? What's going on?"

And then if the answer was "I just can't get XYZ done. I've tried it 5 times!"

I'd still think that the best possible answer was a way to get XYZ done. Because if you accomplish XYZ, then the frustration should melt away like it was never there. Problem solved!

:D

Maybe you missed this short documentary...
;)
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Nope, if he looked the part, I would probably listen. If he didn't, I may or may not listen, but probably not. I've also never approached a women in the gym to tell her that she's doing it wrong. Not my business.
This is also a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCENARIO than what's being discussed.
[quote]* Have you ever had a guy tell you all about your Porsche, and it's obvious he knows nothing about cars?[quote]
I have had folks talk cars/tech/etc... trying to show me how much they know. Sometimes I already know what they are telling me, and they are correct. In that case how I react will depend upon my mood. I'd probably just be friendly because we share a common interest and they seem knowledgeable.
Sometimes they know more than me, and I listen because I'm always happy to learn.
Sometimes they are wrong, and I know it. In that case, what I do will depend upon my mood. I may just smile and blow them off with a minimal response. I may bury them in facts knowledge if I'm hoping that they'll STFU and go away.
If I have given them a chance, but have determined that I don't like them and don't want to interact with them, if I can get away with it, I may just be mean to them in the hopes that they stop trying to talk to me. That often works, but not always. Some folks seem to find it endearing, ugh!
[quote]Now imagine if every guy on the planet did that to you every moment of every day. [quote]
I'm not an extrovert. I try to not give off the "come talk to me vibe." I assume the fact that I don't have boobs makes that far more effective than if I did. I have no doubt that you and most other women have to deal with a ton of crap because guys don't know a good way to approach a women, but are willing to persistently try bad ways.

You have my sympathy.

Maybe in some situations, but in my case, and many, most of the folks that I know, it's from a desire to help solve a problem. Me thinking that I have a solution to a problem doesn't mean that I think I'm superior. It means that I want to help you overcome an issue/obstacle that is causing you grief. I may not know crap about the issue/obstacle, but I'm willing to start trying things if it will help. Or maybe sometimes it's because I do have knowledge/experience with this specific obstacle/issue, and I absolutely know the answer/solution. But I still don't think I'm superior. That doesn't enter into it. Because I know some stuff, but not everything. So next time, the tables could be reversed, and in that case, I'd welcome the solution from you, because I just want to solve the problem, fix the issue, or overcome the obstacle. Once that happens, it's in the past, and that's where I prefer it to be.

Who's shoes are you staring at when you offer said solutions:cool:

Context is everything. We have been married almost 34 years; meaning, we both know the difference between an important complaint and venting.

I'll stop everything and shut my yap (I know) and support her important concerns. The rest I suggest in the nicest possible way that we can discuss her issues after she rustles up some grub.

I am a giver.

BTW, Gogar was/is right.

Masraum: I'm not going to quote your post, no need to, but I concur whole heartedly. We're just trying to help and solve the problem, (or what we perceived to be the problem) our hearts are in the right place. Venus vs Mars

I find I'm guilty of not following my own advice. You're looking for confirmation you're correct, and I'm offering advice you haven't solicited. That's a lot of words for, I wish you the best in offering solutions people may, or may not, want to hear.

(FWIW, I was an IT manager leading a team of 27 developers for many decades. People skills got me that job.)