Talk me off the edge or push me over it

[gacook]

Have a question I seek wise guidance from the counsel of gentlemen here on...

My daughter (middle daughter) is getting married--SOON. Just got engaged last month; wedding in February. Wife and I just met the fiancé yesterday (I flew them down to spend the holidays with us). Daughter is mine and ex-wife's kid, and that is where the question comes in:

Last night, she dropped it on me that she was thinking about having me AND step-dad walk her down the aisle. This really bothered me...should it? Do I swallow my pride and let her go with this idea, as it's her day, or do I stand firm that I'm the father and it's my duty/obligation/honor to walk her down the aisle?

[wdfifteen]

Which man raised her?

[gacook]

Both, to be fair. We got divorced when she was about 5, step-dad came into the picture a year or two later. Ex and I have always shared custody and live in the same town.

[rwest]

Do what she wants, it’s her day.

I imagine that she feels like step dad was a big part of her life too.

[Sooner or later]

Easy

Her choice

[masraum]

Do your best to not let it bother you, but it's understandable why it would. It's her wedding, and she feels an attachment to both of you, I'm sure. Also, if she picks just one, one of the major influences in her life will likely have their feelings hurt. She's trying to save the feelings of her 2 fathers on a day when she should only be concerned with herself.

I'm the step father, but I was the primary guy in the picture from the time our daughter was 8. The other guy got week or two visits most years until they got older and then things slowed down. In our case, to save everyone's feelings, our daughter wasn't walked down the aisle by either of us to try to not offend any one.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by rwest

Do what she wants, it’s her day.

It would be a hard pill to swallow, but I think that's the best way to go.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by wdfifteen

It would be a hard pill to swallow, but I think that's the best way to go.

It is a hard pill to swallow...but is the direction I'm leaning.

[gacook]

Originally Posted by masraum

Do your best to not let it bother you, but it's understandable why it would. It's her wedding, and she feels an attachment to both of you, I'm sure. Also, if she picks just one, one of the major influences in her life will likely have their feelings hurt. She's trying to save the feelings of her 2 fathers on a day when she should only be concerned with herself.

I'm the step father, but I was the primary guy in the picture from the time our daughter was 8. The other guy got week or two visits most years until they got older and then things slowed down. In our case, to save everyone's feelings, our daughter wasn't walked down the aisle by either of us to try to not offend any one.

I understand and can appreciate your perspective. I'm ALSO a stepfather (sons, not daughters). Their dad wasn't in their life hardly at all but I've always made it a point to NOT alienate or denigrate him...he's their father for better or worse; I'm just the guy that's been there to take care of them most of their lives.

[Scott Douglas]

As my wife always says when it comes to weddings, her day her way.

[dad911]

Her day, her choice.

Shouldn't bother you unless you are paying 100% for the wedding. And even if you are, suck it up and make her day the best it can be.

Considering a divorce at age 5, you should be happy and proud to be included. Says alot about you, her, and your ex and how she was raised. You should all be proud.

[flatbutt]

You're her Dad. You will always be her Dad. I don't know you but I'd bet hard cash that you've always done what's best for her even when it was difficult.

Sometimes we take a hit for our kids. It's what we do.

Celebrate the fact that there is another man, two more men in fact that are willing to care for YOUR daughter. Make it a real party bro.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by dad911

Considering a divorce at age 5, you should be happy and proud to be included. Says a lot about you, her, and your ex and how she was raised. You should all be proud.

The above are exactly my feelings on this...

The man who owns the law firm my son works for had a completely preventable wedding day issue with his daughter that could have been solved before the wedding. A year later there is still a schism.

[Rikao4]

pretty sure it's on her mind as well...
smile and say great ..
whatever she says..
relax..
she will ask for you both to be there..

Rika

[jrj3rd]

Originally Posted by rwest

Do what she wants, it’s her day.

Repeat this to yourself 1000 times.

It is the right answer.

[gacook]

Thanks, gents.

[Crowbob]

I actually suggested my daughter’s step-dad walk her down the aisle with me. Everybody was fine with it. He did a good job as a step-dad considering who he was married to.

It did wonders for family harmony until he went and died. His widow immediately reverted back to head spinning and puking up pea soup. So it was good in the long run.

[OK-944]

Ages ago...before the last ice-age I think...I photographed a wedding (yup...used to do that) where the bride was walked down the isle (outdoor wedding...so across a field) by her "two dads." And it was the most amazing thing with everyone completely and lovingly thrilled. A reconciliation of sorts for the two dads also...whom, after giving up their daughter/step daughter - gave each other a big, tearful hug...and they thoroughly enjoyed each others company at the reception.

At any rate...your mileage may vary, but do give it some serious thought - and maybe a good excuse to contact the step dad ahead of the event?

[Bill Douglas]

Her choice and he can pay for half the wedding too.

[wildthing]

Think about what saying no could potentially do to your long term relationship. Will she cut you off from seeing potential grand kids? In the grand scheme of things, is it worth it?