Engineers

[Isabo]

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE ONE

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE TWO

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE THREE

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment, then the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FOUR

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE FIVE

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SIX

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE SEVEN

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE EIGHT

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both" "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS - TAKE NINE

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girl friend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[bell]

funny stuff

[BlueSkyJaunte]

That stuff cuts too close to home...

[island911]

[nostatic]

I thought Island was going to ask why that area was "recreational"

ducking to miss a thrown slide rule...

[wckrause]

A talking frog would be really cool

[thamlin000]

I concur.

[HarryD]

A client/server consultant and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The client/server consultant leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The client/server consultant persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you$5." Again the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The client/server consultant, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50.00"

Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The client/server consultant asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the client/server consultant $5. Now, its the engineer's turn. He asks the client/server consultant and says: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

The client/server consultant looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands the engineer $50. The engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The client/server consultant, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?"

Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the client/server consultant, turns away and returns to sleep.

[cegerer]

I see no humor here

Curt J. Egerer, P.E.
Licensed Professional Engineer

[KFC911]

Originally posted by cegerer
I see no humor here

Curt J. Egerer, P.E.
Licensed Professional Engineer

Is that because you're an engineer? Just kidding! ...are you really serious that you see no humor here?

[island911]

Of course he see the humor . . .it was obvious. . .sheesh!

"The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" heh-heh that was the funny part. . . right?

[cegerer]

Actually, these jokes have been around for awhile and I use some of them during seminars that I conduct for the insurance industry - really! My favorite is the blind golfers.

[Stanley]

Heres a funny picture I recently saw on another forum.

[pwd72s]

And then there was the time Stevie Wonder challanged Tiger to a golf match...

[KFC911]

Originally posted by island911

"The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" heh-heh that was the funny part. . . right? [/B]

Based upon what I'm seeing in my field (computers), due to outsourcing, etc. this quote could be applied to a Computer Science grad, and the arts grad would be asking 'Is this the end of the line?' ...the unemployment line that is!

By the way Curt, love the 'gray wolf'. She must be a LOT of fun!

Finishing up the morning coffee and off to the garage....

[tabs]

No the arts grad turns into Tabs!

[rammstein]

The pain I feel reading this.....

[Some1else]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."

The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Top Engineering Terms and Expressions - Part I
(What engineers say versus what they mean)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)


Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."


and for good measure, a computer joke

Software Revision Guide

Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev-code than that. This article provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0: Also known as 'one point uh-oh', or 'barely out of beta'. We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1: We fixed all of the killer bugs.

1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too.

2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs.

2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!

3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this.

3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor.

4.1: Just one or two bugs this time - Honest!

5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number.

6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them.