How about a joke thread?

[imcarthur]

Menopause Jewellery

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fuc*ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

[Craig 930 RS]

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

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IHOP

[pwd72s]

There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of
things
that took two arms.

One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump
off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on
the
sidewalk below skipping along and whistling and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for
myself,
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad
he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for
saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that
guy could do it with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.

He asked "Why are you so happy anyway ?"

He said " I'm NOT happy, my ass itches."

[craigster59]

An indian Chief walks into a psychiatrists office. "What seems to be your problem" the doctor asks.
"Well, one day I think I'm a teepee and the next day I think I'm a wigwam." the Chief answers.
"That's easy" says the psychiatrist, "you're two tents."

[imcarthur]

I don't think I've seen this variation . . .

Extreme Redneck

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your junior prom offered day care.

9. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

11. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

12. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

13. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

14. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

15. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Bonus Comment: An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had heard that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[75Carrera]

A woman and her husband retired and joined a new church in the retirement community. During the intial meeting the Priest asked if they had any children?

"Why yes we do," the wife answered.

"Tell me about your children," the Priest inquired.

Mom began, "Well Bobby is a gifted young man. He plays the guitar beautifully, is very artistic and thoughtful. He never fails to write and tell us all about his daily experiences. He is the joy of our lives. We just couldn't be prouder of him"

"And where does Bobby live?," asked the Priest

"Well, Bobby had some problems with the law and has been in prison for six years with at least 14 more to serve." she offered reluctantly.

"I'm sorry to hear that, do you have any other children?"

"Actually we do have another son, WHY?" she muttered

"I was curious. What's his name?" the Priest asked.

"His name is Anthony. but we don't have contact with him or mention his name in our home."

"Now that is too bad, what does Tony do that causes him to be so distanced from your family?"

Under her breath and with her bowed in shame she says, " He's an attorney."

[75Carrera]

In Arizona the next ballot will call for a vote on eliminating all smoking in bars.

A blond lobbist wanted to know, "if that passes and smoking is no longer allowed in bars, would that mean: drunk drivers can't smoke in the car either?"

[pwd72s]

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , AL but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an Angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.

But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.

Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...and to Alice 's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,

"What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself,


"GOD is good."

[Z-man]

Originally posted by Craig911
If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

IHOP

That was stolen from last week's Two and a Half Men!

Here was the follow-up joke to that:

So, at IHOP, if you get the one-legged girl, it gives a whole new meaning to "tipping."


-Z

[Craig 930 RS]

Bingo! Great show.

[imcarthur]

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a *****.

[Z-man]

Originally posted by Craig911
Bingo! Great show.

Follow up joke to the one-legged IHOP waitress joke from Two and a Half Men:

Her nametag would probably say Eileen.


-Z.

[cashflyer]

Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them.
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a Real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims."

[pwd72s]

A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. He went
through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and
higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.

The next day he called home to tell his father the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got
up and just walked out of the plane."

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh, no, I didn't. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time
and throw them out the plane."

"Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left
on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me
to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" the father again asked.

"No!!! He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and
refused to go. Finally he called the Jump Master over. The Jump Master is
this great big guy, about six-foot-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Are
you going to jump or not?'"

"I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper
and took out his you-know-what; I swear Dad it was about 12 inches long."

"He said, 'Either you jump out that door or I'm sticking this little baby up
your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first..."

[imcarthur]

DON'T MESS WITH US OLD GUYS!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large, unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He told her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

[imcarthur]

Tell The Truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, it's so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"

She gives him some talcum powder, which he precedes to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her".

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says...

"You God d*mn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

Moral of the story:

(1) Always tell your wife the truth.
(2) She won't believe you anyway.
(3) At least your conscience will be clear

[imcarthur]

For Sale

Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
$10,000
06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington, UT ? 84025 ??

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving ? wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*ck you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-****

[pwd72s]

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION.
HERE ARE(8) NEED TO KNOW FACTS:

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard
stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the
boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing
sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A
cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself
constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate
touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be
fed.
And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer,
come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!"
Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to
daddy, Snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed,
you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby
pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are
a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que
ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled
pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in
training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom
or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual
relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he
defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like
a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be
hard strong, black, and full aroma.
A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf
Cafe Latte with Skim "and he will never, ever know
what artificial sweetener tastes like.
If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a
man there, too.

6 If you know more than six names of colors or four
different types of dessert, you might as well be
handing out free passes to your ass. A real man
doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all
of that crap as well as all the names of all the
players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball,
PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you
know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can
name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are
faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget
it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only
puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass
driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time
he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a
hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films,
mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is
acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who
knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the
above films by yourself or with another man is likely
to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion),
which is what happens to fags when they Flame out too quickly.

[Don Ro]

"...forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[scottmandue]

This just In:



A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."