How about a joke thread?

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by pwd72s

Okay, guess I should have posted swishing instead of gargling?

Dayum...didn't even see that. Sorry, Paul

[pwd72s]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.

[Dueller]

Best cowboy pick up line ever...


A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

[s_morrison57]

Q: Whats the difference between an oral thermometor and an anal thermometor?
A: Nothing but the taste

[Geronimo '74]

What's the difference between a toiletbowl and a swimming pool???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.You don't know??
Remind me to never come swimming at your place....

[pwd72s]

An irish man named francis is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.

He turns the corner and sees a tree in the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid it.he realizes there's another directly in his path.

He discovers his drive home is causing

him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears a police siren

and stops his car.

The officer approaches his car and asks him what on earth is he doing.

Francis starts to tell the story of the trees on the road.

The officer stops him in mid- sentence and says...

"fer chrise sakes,francis...

That's yer air freshener !"

[pwd72s]

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:


HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.




On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a Grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!



The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'


She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'


Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,


'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

[Racerbvd]

Wisdom comes with age...

Never Discount Wisdom When the Outcome Is Important!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly
round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young
blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained
that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an
emergency that called him away and asked the trio
whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a
topless club as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you
want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories
or do anything that you normally do when playing a round
together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf and I consider my self
pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her
ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards
down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde
put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded
it a little.' After the three guys hit their drives and their second
shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the
ball within five feet of the hole (she was closest to the pin). The son
said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy
seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.'
She then ta pped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the hell
out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the
middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par,
and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She
turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for
not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to
use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really
like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to
make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some
35-year-old Single Malt Strathmill Scotch in him, fix him a steak
dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
carefully eying The line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim
about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get
over that little hump and break right into the cup.

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
'Don't listen to the kid, darlin.' You want to hit it softly 10 inches
to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls
into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme,
sweetheart.'

The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'



OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME
SKILL AND YOUTHFUL VITALITY EVERY TIME.

[Racerbvd]

This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful...









A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.




He replied, "She called Five Horses".








The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"





The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...








NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG

[pwd72s]

The Pharmacist's Monday Morning


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.




Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm

Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and

Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both

House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was

About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me

To open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time

The darn phone was ringing off the hook."


He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and
The phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made

Me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got
Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a

Rectal thermometer.


And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

[pwd72s]

> cake or bed ???
>
> a husband is at home watching a
> football game when his wife interrupts,
>
> honey,
> could you fix the light in the hallway?
> it's been flickering for weeks now.
>
> he looks at her and says angrily,
> fix the lights now?
> does it look like i have
> ge written on my forehead?
> i don't think so.
>
> fine,
>
> then the wife asks,
> well then, could you fix the fridge door?
> it won't close right
>
> to which he replied,
> fix the fridge door?
> does it look like i have westinghouse
> written on my forehead?
> i don't think so
>
> fine, she says
> then you could at least fix the steps
> to the front door?
> they are about to break
>
> i'm not a carpenter and i don't
> want to fix steps
> he says, does it look like i have
> ace hardware written on my forehead?
> i don't think so
> i've had enough of you.
> i'm going to the bar!!!!
>
> so he goes to the bar and drinks for a
> couple of hours..............................
>
> he starts to feel guilty about how
> he treated his wife, and decides
> to go home
>
> as he walks into the house he notices
> that the steps are already fixed.
>
> as he enters the house , he sees the
> hall light is working
>
> as he goes to get a beer, he notices
> the fridge door is fixed.
>
> honey, he asks, how'd all this get fixed?
> she said, well, when you left i sat
> outside and cried.
>
> just then a nice young man asked me
> what was wrong, and i told him.
>
> he offered to do all th e repairs, and
> all i had to do was either
> go to bed with him or bake a cake.
>
> he said,
> so what kind of cake did you bake?
>
> she replied,
> hellooooo..
> do you see betty crocker written
> on my forehead?
> i don't think so!

[cashflyer]

ARN851: 'Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000
for 10,000, requesting runway 15.'

Halifax Terminal (female): 'Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I
gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks.
Expect runway 06.'




Although that first one was a joke, the following is real.

Norman OK is home to The University of Oklahoma and the "Sooners". It is also home to several flight training schools, including the college's own. There are a lot of student pilots, and many of them are foreign nationals. Some have limited understanding of the English language.

I personally heard this on the radio while flying in the OKC area:


Student Pilot: Cessna 5512 Mike is inbound for landing.

Tower: Cessna 5512 Mike, are you the Skymaster*?

Student Pilot: My instructor says I am good, but I do not think I am sky master yet.

Tower: Umm.... Cessna 5512 Mike, enter downwind for runway three.




Cessna Skymaster:

[sammyg2]

Q) If you and your buddies are watching the game and your wife walks in from the kitchen and starts beotching at you, what did you do wrong?

A) you made her chain too long.


Why do brides wear white at the wedding?
The dishwasher is supposed to match the fridge.

Did you hear they finally found the cure for nymphomania?
It's called wedding cake.

[Joe Bob]

If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do one legged gals work?











































IHOP.....

[widgeon13]

You been watching "Two and a Half Men".

Jake told that one to Charlie the other night.

[Joe Bob]

Yeah, but I didn't blow the punch line like Charlie did....

[strupgolf]

Jim Smith died last night and went to heaven. St Peter was there waiting for him and said Hi Jim, glad you're up here, welcome. Jim said thanks and started looking around at all the beauty before him. He said "I can do anything I want, go anywhere I want, and all that", right? St Peter said it's all yours. Jim said he was curious and just wanted to take a look at hell, just to see what it was like. St Peter said sure; go to the elevator, push DOWN and when the door opens, look around but DONT GET OFF. So Jim goes down and the door opens and all of a sudden, it's snowing a blizzard, it windy, and its freezing. Jim said enough of this and went back up. St Peter asked him how everything went. Jim explained all he saw and just then, St Peter stood up and said, 'Oh no, did the Cubs just win the world series.

[David]

The difference between gutsy and ballsy:

Gutsy is coming home late from a night of drinking, finding your wife waiting at the door with a broom in her hand and asking, "Are you gonna sweep with that or ride it?"

Ballsy is coming home late from a night of drinking with lipstick smeared on your collar, finding the wife waiting at the door and saying, "You're next chubby!"

[Hendog]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral

of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris

that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he

would conduct the interviews personally and went up into

the belfry to begin the screening process.



After observing several applicants demonstrate

their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man

approached him and announced that he was there to

apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous:

"You have no arms!" "No matter." said the man,

"Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face,

producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.



The bishop listened in astonishment , convinced he

had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the

armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry

window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop

rushed to his side.



When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered

around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they

had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to

let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was

this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly

replied, "but his face rings a bell."



{WAIT! WAIT! Not through yet!!}



The following day, despite the sadness that

weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the

armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews

for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.



The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am

the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell

to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray

that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."



The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but

as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet

to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest

and died on the spot.



Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at

this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.



"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first

monk asked breathlessly.



"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,........

"but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[teenerted1]

I stopped by the Toyota Dealership yesterday for a
look at the new Tacoma. Just for fun, I took it out
for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel"
before they become extinct.



The salesman (wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat
in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its
"wonderful" options. The seats were of particular
interest. He explained that the seats directed warm
air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air
to your butt in the summer heat.



Feeling like messing with his mind, I mentioned that
this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry,
he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I
explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats
would blow smoke up your ass year-round.


I had to walk back to the dealership.


Damn, that guy had no sense of humor.