How about a joke thread?

[Joe Bob]

OK...so who has more fun?

[RoninLB]

no political content or comment.

Missing Bill Clinton
It doesn't matter what party you are this is absolutely
hilarious. Just watched a show on Canadian TV. There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing
we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he
gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water. Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly. Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom. Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe. The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.



.

[M.D. Holloway]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot." The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking,"
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,...but I like your thinking.

[M.D. Holloway]

One day, during lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner
table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
Beautiful,.....just ******** beautiful!

[}{arlequin]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.




Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed! You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes

with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[RoninLB]

[Milu]

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[RoninLB]

Dear Fred,

Just a note to say my wife and I have divorced. In the divorce settlement she was awarded the double wide and pickup truck.

As per my copy of the court order, I delivered the truck to her before 2 PM, yesterday, the 3rd!

So, how's your day going?

See you, Joe

[M.D. Holloway]

PS:
I hope you didn't want to use your boat this weekend, seems I dropped my beer and, well you can see the rest...

[RoninLB]

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of there nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there
in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room,
light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening
you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse.

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

Get serious", she replies. "I'll take four times in the rocking chair."

[jbripps]

Hi,

Not sure if this was posted, but it's quick and funny.

Skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

Ha ha. If you don't get, just visualize.

Regards,

[cgarr]

What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?


The Taste!

[RoninLB]

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

[JavaBrewer]

An American is having breakfast one morning when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum and sell them to France."

[Franklin]

A guy walks into his front yard, looks up and sees a big gorilla sitting in his tree.

Frightened he runs back in the house, gets his yellow pages and looks up "Gorilla Removers".

He phones, explains his problem and 10 minutes later the remover shows up. He walks over, hands him a pair of handcuffs and a rifle. A little Chihuahua follows him and sits watching the gorilla.

The remover starts to climb the tree with a long pole and the man asks him just what is going on.

The remover says that when he gets up to the gorilla he will poke him with the pole and when he falls out of the tree the Chihuahua will run up and bite the gorilla in the balls.

Explaining that the gorilla will bend over and grab his balls and that while his wrists are together that he should handcuff him.

Thinking for a minute the man says "OK, but what is the rifle for?" The remover says: "Oh, if I fall out of the tree, shoot the Chihuahua"

[RickM]

Blonde cop pulls a blonde woman over and asks for license, registration and insurance.

Blonde driver starts to panic as she realizes she has none of the documents in here purse.

Blonde cop says, "You must have some type of identification in there...perhaps something showing your face".

After a brief moment of rifling through the purse the blonde driver says, "Ahhhh, here. How about this?"

She hands the cop an open compact.

Blonde cop looks into the mirror in the compact and says, " I didn't know you were a cop too!!!! You should have said something. Just be a bit more careful next time and have a great day."

[pwd72s]

A visitor walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.

While he was there, a Chief Master Sergeant (CMSgt) from the local
airbase walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance
monkey, please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and
took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed
it the CMSgt, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The CMSgt paid and left with the
monkey.

Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very
expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why
did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can
rig aircraft flight controls, score 95 on the AF CDC test, perform the
duties of any MX officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth
the money.

The visitor spotted a monkey in another cage "That one's even more
expensive ... $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey! It can instruct at all
levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate up
to depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey
indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage.
The price tag read $50,000. The shocked visitor exclaimed, "That
one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does
it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play
with his pecker, but his papers say he's a pilot."

[targa911S]

what do you call Michael Jackson with no money? Tito

Why doesn't Mexico enter the summer olympics? Because anybody that can swim, jump, or run is already here!

[pwd72s]

Subject: FW: Blind Pilots


The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the
other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter
spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door
closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as
though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the
cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Frank, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and
we're all gonna die."

[djmcmath]

A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.

"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "

The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'" ...and gives a wink!

Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN'!!!!!"