Retrosexuals Unite!
 

Yeah, I also posted this on the S registry's off topic board...so I don't apologize for it, nor do I need to hear any key-rap about it! ;)


OK, all youse "sensitive" guys out there...

Author unknown

Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand no
more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men
prancing about redecorating houses and talking about foreign concepts
like "style" and â?ofeng shui". Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual,
trans-sexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
purple-sexual-bogus definitions have taken over the urban and suburban
world!

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code:

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that
term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT. Be it a flat tire, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and
drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an end
cap (possibly 2 end caps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years
old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be.
This falls under the "Dealing with IT" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on
National TV.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a
different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to
see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy
was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and
ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer
a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be
rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that you are riddled
with fear. Guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus
it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual may cry, and none
of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports
teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release
is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual
can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a
pet
(fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A Retrosexual's favorite movie isn't "Maid in Manhattan" (unless that
refers to some foxy french maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or
whiskey), or "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". Acceptable ones
may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in
his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy,
Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack,
Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull,
Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs,
Fight Club, etc.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train and a
pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman. He then looks around at the other so
called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you punks" look on his
face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct
emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star
Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness. These activities
offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged
in a serious healthy relationship - I.E. hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance, or highest of all, car racing.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding
all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without
high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd
Lt.) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the
Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for
serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract, a handshake is good enough.
He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other
person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does

Something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.

GOT THAT???????????????????????????

I love it!!

Can't add a thing, except to ask why are so many people fascinated with television programs like Nashville Star and The Apprentice that have a goal of humiliating other people. A retrosexual does not have to make themselves feel bigger by denegrating another human being ala Donald Trump.

Apologize for what?...it's perfect. One end-cap is fine with me :)

Like looking in the mirror!

Awsome list!!!
Only thing you left out was : A Retrosexual man does not drink "designer coffee" or any coffee flavored with anything other than milk and sugar!
Bring back the manly man!!!

thats good stuff. thanks!

Can we take "sexual" out of the title? Sounds too designer.
And we don't brag about sex to others...we have nothing to prove ;)

Here's a website devoted to the same theme!

http://www.mensrights.com/

Hear Hear!

I admit it...I am proud to say that I am a retrosexual! :)

But I do tie my ties with a double windsor instead of a single, because I am short and it is necessary, otherwise my tie would be too long. I hope I will not be banned from the club for this. ;)

http://www.pelicanparts.com/support/smileys/clap.gif
I like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've got one of those :D

No prob Scooter! But you will be put on "double secret probation" for a few months until you can assure us of your neckwear manliness.:D :D :D

Very cool. It's about time someone wrote it out... One thing wasn't said that I will say. I can't stand homos. I think gays are liars and are "gay" for attention. There are exceptions but then we'd have to go into deep pscyhological disorders. I also agree with Billy the Pilgrim. I'm a big fan of Armani. ;) (Most of Versace is gay, though.)

Yellow, with a statement like that you are NOT the "man" described above. Not by a longshot.

I agree with the endcaps, I get my grocery shoppoing done in 20 minutes or less.

RickM: Where did I fail to convince you?

i've finally found a bigger homo-fob than me in yellowturbo. by the way, would a retrosexual, as described above drive a yellow car?

just some food for thought

in all seriousness he did forget the great escape in his movie list..

and no Starbucks or the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, just good old black coffee

Right on pwd!

Apparently, I am a Retrosexual. And I don't care.