Pelican Parts Forums - from my archives: Entertaining Writing

This essay, by Hugh Gallgher, won first prize in the
humor category of the 1990 Scholastic Writing Awards.
It appeared in the May issue of Literary and student
writing published by Scholastic in New York City.
Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in Newtown Square,
Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University this
fall.

3A. ESSAy
In Order for the admissions staff or our college
to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask you
the following question. "are there any significant
experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have
realized, that have helped to define you as a person?"

"I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls
and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train
stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate
ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning
operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone
playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with
unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in
twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, veteran in
love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon
Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy
urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school,
I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and
a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my
original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the
weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with
a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat
.400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame
in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects
with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost,
Moby-Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still
had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item
in the supermarket. I have performed covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I
do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in
Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of
physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my
bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I
participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I
discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals
using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed
prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San
Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling
bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with
Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.