For Men Tired Of Receiving Male-Bashing Jokes...

[rcecale]

I didn't write these, so don't blame me!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she
brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick
up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a
washing machine will probably never be able to
support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that
allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once
told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you
let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let
him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
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I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I
don't like to interrupt her.
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Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a
Wedding Cake.
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Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring,
Wedding Ring, Suffering.
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Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
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In the beginning, God created the earth and
rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God
created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has
rested.
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Why do men die before their wives? They want
to.
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A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman
shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten
anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had
your willpower."
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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in
some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife
until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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A man inserted an advertisement in the
classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have mine."
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The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
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Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are beautiful.

[Superman]

Carbonated beverages hurt when they spray out your nose. Thanks. Printing now. I'm not going to suffer alone.

[cowtown]

I've got to give a copy of this to my wife...
maybe not.

[Hugh R]

How many men does it take to muck out an outhouse?

None, that's women's work!

[honeygirl911]

Why does a man prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.

Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.
B. Penicillin

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A.A dog is always happy to see you
B.A dog only takes a couple of months to train

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

[juanbenae]

ms. honey,,,you could not have meant those terrible things you said about us guys could you?

if you read ms. honey's list there are some of them that are so true it really has to hurt the ladies more than us. like the quicky one for example.

its like the time a girl i knew said "give me 9" and make it hurt" so I f'd her three times and punched her in the mouth.

[pwd72s]

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

We have an excuse! It's that our thinking is so crystal clear in our teen years that we don't need to change our minds as we age. When I was 17, I thought a "child" in her early 20's could look really hot! Now that I'm 60? I still think that a "child" in her early 20's can look really hot. Alas, here it is...the sexual revolution in full swing, and Cindy took all my ammo away! Our 29th anniversary was the 27th...
Cindy once asked me: "What is it about you car guys? You all seem to like old cars and young women." I'd think that...a 30 year old car is cheaper, and a lot less trouble than a 30 year old mistress.

[Superman]

Congratulations on that 29th anniversary. I wish you many more.

As far as the jokes go is it just me, or is the first set of jokes MUCH funnier than the second set?

[pwd72s]

Super...methinks talking to, and writing checks to, divorce lawyers could make a guy think that...