Proof that our beloved Singpilot has a sense of humor

KevinP73 · 07-30-2004, 10:12 AM

More in-inflight announcements as reported by passengers and airline crew members.

1."In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

2. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

3. A plane was taking off from Kennedy International Airport in New York. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain announced over the intercom,"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

These are not actual quotes from our beloved but I could just imagine his big ole grin up in the cockpit when I read these.

project935 · 07-30-2004, 10:29 AM

My wife was on a Southwest flight once where the captain came over the intercom and said "Now sit down and hold on 'cause this Boein is goin!"

turbocarrera · 07-30-2004, 10:50 AM

Flying the red-eye home one day, as we taxi in the pilot says "If you don't know your way around the terminal just ask the personnel at the gate, they've been waiting for us for almost three hours and I'm sure they'll tell you where to go.." that got a few laughs.

mikester · 07-30-2004, 11:27 AM

"Please remain seated while Capt. Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Isabo · 07-30-2004, 11:39 AM

Comment I heard on the London underground railway in London last week:

"Please do not take photographs of the trains as the flash distracts the driver and could cause an accident. If you want pictures of underground trains why not visit the London Transport museaum. Alternatively: GET A LIFE"

Seahawk · 07-30-2004, 12:16 PM

Years ago, after very rough landing at DFW in stormy weather, the pilot comes on the intercom:

"I know what you're thinking, but no, we weren't shot down..."

304065 · 07-30-2004, 12:18 PM

Classics.

Have you guys seen the famous "Squawk List?"

My favorite:

Squawk: Something Loose in Cockpit
Mechanics: Something Tightened in Cockpit

turbocarrera · 07-30-2004, 12:20 PM

My fave:

Squawk: Engine missing
Mechanics: Engine found on wing

KevinP73 · 07-30-2004, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by john_cramer
Classics.

Have you guys seen the famous "Squawk List?"

My favorite:

Squawk: Something Loose in Cockpit
Mechanics: Something Tightened in Cockpit

There's a big long list of these "mechanic notes" lists. I wish I could find one, they're freaking hilarious

304065 · 07-30-2004, 12:24 PM

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back order!!

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

OMG, that is some of the funniest stuff I've ever read.

mikester · 07-30-2004, 01:17 PM

Dad was in the USAF for a cool 20 as a ground crew and then flight crew, Crew Chief to Flight Engineer....

Has tons of good stories about "Blonde" officers.

joeclarke · 07-30-2004, 01:41 PM

Pilot comes on to make the usual small talk to the passengers upon attaining cruise altitude...

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking - we will be cruising at 31 thousand feet under way in a little over 3 hours to Chicago. We are expecting smooth conditions, so sit back and enjoy your flight..."

Unfortunately the good pilot neglected to disengage the PA as he turned to his right chair with the following remark...

"well, I got that BS overwith; now I think I'll go take a dump and then screw that new red-headed stewardess in coach."

The"new red-headed stewardess in coach", hearing the pilot's remarks (along with all of the passengers) started to rush toward the cockpit. Whether she was bound and determined to kick the crap outta the guy or just to tell him to turn off the PA, we'll never know...

Half way through her coach compartment dash she tripped over a passenger's foot and landed flat on the floor in the aisle. From her prone position she glanced up at an elderly lady in the passenger seat next to her and received this advice:

"there's no need to rush dear, the captain said he was going to take a dump first."

The foregoing story does not even pretend to preamble about the suburbs of veracity...

rcecale · rcecale's Garage

How about the ol' 3-parter...?

P: Number 4 engine seeping oil.
S: Seepage is normal.

...the next day...
P2: Engines 1 thru 3 lack normal seepage.

singpilot · 07-31-2004, 04:09 AM

Like you guys needed proof that I have a sense of humor!

I am going to do a 360 degree turn overhead Oshkosh Air Show at 11-ish Sunday morning.

It will be at FL450 (45000 feet), 9 miles up. I am counting on the contrail as my way of saying hello. Maybe it's a record for the highest airshow display overhead.

Overpaid Slacker · 07-31-2004, 08:48 AM

Recale --
I didn't think they'd get funnier than Cramer's ... but that was hysterical.

JP

singpilot · 07-31-2004, 11:26 AM

My favourite of all of those is the 'Autoland very rough'. .... 'Autoland not installed'.

An autoland approach is hands off, autopilot engaged approach and landing. The Radar altimeter senses the closing runway starting at about 20 feet, and does a 'preflare' and 'flare' manuver that makes a fairly nice landing, even applying the brakes, retarding the throttles to idle, and deploying the spoilers.

The thought of that last part (starting at 'preflare') missing is the hilarious part. I guess because I can picture it.

KevinP73 · 07-31-2004, 11:42 AM

Wouldn't the automotive equivilant (sp?) be expecting your cruise control to turn into your own driveway, apply the brakes, open the garage door and stop before hitting the back of your garage? Thats gotta get your heart pumping when your expecting things to begin happening and they don't.

304065 · 07-31-2004, 03:13 PM

Kevin, that's about right, but imagine that it all happens at 175 MPH or so.

The hardest part, so I'm told, is sitting there with arms folded letting the system do its thing.

Anyone hear of the "Freight Pilot's Cat III?" Trim the a/c for 5% above VSO, which will be plenty nose up, and fly the glideslope all the way to the runway. Recommended only for an emergency.