Funny Tazer Story

[curlesw]

Just got this..it may be old, but it's a funny read, enjoy!

v/r
Wayne C.

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I oaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to
mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How id they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty
sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back.

[vash]

you got the one that shoots the two prongs out? funny.


i tried a stun gun on myself and it was doable, and bearable, but the blast is only a millisecond. i saw you testicles in a bar in san fran, it wasnt pretty. haha.

[}{arlequin]

I was "adjusting" some arcing plug wires in the T one day... that was the last time. (Running motor)

I also saw a lighter that shocks you with a healthy kick when you try to *light* it. First two times it was amusing but it did make me drop the lighter. Then I tried to focus on the shock, and each progressive time I felt more and more apprehensive about pressing the button. Quite powerful. I should ad that they were sold in Chinatown...

[turbocarrera]

This isn't a tazer story but it's quite, shocking.. hehe

I was doing a hi-pot(high potential) test on a 25kV cable.. me on one end reading the leakage meter and a very green electrician apprentice "guarding" the other.. I hooded the cable ends and had the area red-flagged with "do not enter" and "high voltage testing" signs all over the place and gave the app strict instructions that absoloutely noone come into the flagged area..

It was humid that day, not high enough to shut down testing, but enough to hear the crackle. The test is going fine and I ramp up to 60kV when the foreman for this apprentice walks over to him, enters the flagged area(I couldn't see this, he was in another building) and starts poking around. No sooner did I get to 60,000 volts when the hi-pot trips and stops the test. I call the app on the radio, ask wtf is going on and as soon as I hear the panic in his voice I run over there to see wtf - I find the foreman sitting up against the wall, he's disoriented and mumbling some inane banter. The apprentice says he just walked in, ignored all the signs and flagging, and asks what we're doing. The app tells him we're hi-pot testing and the foreman asks, "What's that hissing noise?" as he points his finger at the end of the cable - only a few inches away, with 60kV on it. It arced to his right index finger and exited his left elbow, which was leaning on the switchgear cabinet. It basically had no choice but to go straight across his chest(read: heart). He was very lucky to be alive - the overload on the hi-pot saved him.

Three days of tests in the hospital and they let him go - sore finger and elbow but no apparant damage to his heart. His new nickname was "Magneto"..

That's funny as hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Darwin awards, here you come!