Should fathers know their daughters are on birth control?

dd74 · 09-23-2004, 12:31 PM

So there's a conversation today during lunch as to whether a father should know if his daughter is using birth control. In this particular discussion, a man's wife arranged for their daughter to go on "the pill" and has yet to know this, which is how the moral aspect of this issue came up. Two men in our office - neither of whom will ever have children - determined that it is "none of the father's business."

I determined that it was the father's business, and could not think on what grounds it would not be the father's business. Regardless, I'd like to hear what fathers (and mothers) on this board think about this issue.

vash · vash's Garage

first off, i have no kids.

i think a parent, mom and/or dad should be fully aware of everything the kid is up to. it blows my mind how so many parents wont even hesitate to sit the kids down to talk about drugs, drinking, smoking, gangs, etc. but when it comes to sex, they bury their head in the sand. what, they think if they dont talk about it, the kids wont know it exists? lame....
mom should have discussed with the dad, then the entire family sits down together to all get onto the same page. no secrets.

VaSteve · 09-23-2004, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by vash
first off, i have no kids.

mom should have discussed with the dad, then the entire family sits down together to all get onto the same page. no secrets.

The ENTIRE family? Gramma too?

I'm just punchy this afternoon... sorry.

Neilk · 09-23-2004, 12:41 PM

I don't have kids either, nor am I married. But if I had a daughter, I would want her on the pill but I wouldn't want to know about it.

Superman · 09-23-2004, 12:42 PM

I'd agree that it's the father's business if he wants it to be his business. My advice to the father is that he announce that he does not want to know. Daughters should be taught values, and they should be well-learned WAY before puberty. Daughters should also be told about boys. (for example, it's common for teenaged girls to dismiss this concern with a "Oh, he's just a friend." Well, I was a boy, and I know what's in their minds and on their agenda.) but beyond the value-teaching and counseling about sex and relationships, the BCP decision should be handled my mom. And Dad should be kept completely in the dark, unless he's unwise and wants to get into that issue.

vash · vash's Garage

HEY! granny has some real experience tooo

what if heaven forbid, for some reason the mom is not in the picture anymore? dad, just gets another lady to handle it? when i have kids, i am going to portray a confident man that doenst skirt any issues (even if i have to fake it

). i want sons or daughters to feel that they can talk about ANYTHING. even the little pills. i want a large portion of the info they gather to come from me and my wife. UNLIKE my parents.

Superman · 09-23-2004, 01:11 PM

Vash, our generation does handle parenting differently. We're not as distant as our parents were from us. Today's kids relate well to our generation. They wear our old clothes, listen to our music, use our drugs (did I say that?).

I'd agree that a father should be in control, should be prepared to 'deal with' any issue (hopefully not the BCP issue), and should be decisive and everyone should understand that he has full authority. But that iron hand should be covered with a velvet glove. It's a tough balance to strike. When asking questions, be EXTREMELY calm and supportive. Make it completely obvious that you're not looking to fix blame, but rather just looking to understand all the angles of the problem. Ask, ask, ask, ask. With a gentle and empathetic voice and manner.

Negative conditioning rarely works. I got plenty of spankings as a kid, but I'm now thinking they have very limited actual value. Behavior modification is mostly a positive thing, when done effectively.

But also, don't let them get away with not telling you stuff. Pry. Get in their face. Whatever it takes. Just be sure they accept the fact that their business is your business. Don't try to be their friend, and don't let the wifey do that either. They'll like you and respect you much more if you play the role they need played...parent. They'll fight and evade and kick and scratch, it's their job, and eventually they will push themselves away from you, that's their job too. Your job at the end is to provide them a nice solid surface to push off from. Earlier than that, it's your job to get their surrender, and partner with them on important decisions. Like I say, a delicate balance. Toughest job you'll ever have. Also the funnest, most rewarding, most engrossing, etc.

And if you strike just the right balance, you'll get your wish. You'll teach your children how to be good men and good women. And ultimately, they will be immensely appreciative. In the meantime, in the teens, particularly the girls, it will be sort of like four-wheeling in a 930 that's got 23/33mm torsion bars.

lendaddy · 09-23-2004, 01:26 PM

If I had a daugter I would want her on the pill but I wouldn't want HER to know it

Seriously, all freakin hell would break loose if my wife did this without my knowledge or consent.

KevinP73 · 09-23-2004, 01:29 PM

I believe the father should be aware and should have been in on the original discussion with the mother and daughter.
Since when is it the womans decision about what is the fathers business and whats not? If it takes place in the home then it's the fathers business to know everything.

curlesw · curlesw's Garage

Most defiantly the father should know and FWIW I have 4 daughters.

But the bigger issue to me is that that wife did not talk with the husband. Without getting into “who wears the pants in the family”, this is just huge warning flag to me that the husband and wife could have big problems. It shows a lack of respect (to the father/husband), lack of communication between husband/wife and an apparent lack of involvement by the father. All in all, I can see no good of this situation.

Wayne C.

EdT82SC · 09-23-2004, 01:31 PM

I won't even get into how I feel about my daughter going on birth control. That's a whole other subject. However, I can't imagine being so out of touch with my wife that she would keep something as important as putting our daughter on birth control a secret from me. Where is the communication in that relationship?

KevinP73 · 09-23-2004, 01:36 PM

Just last night on "Discovery" or "TLC" was a show about Teens and Sex. They stated that 1 out of 5 teens have had sex before the age of 15. It was a very frank insight into how and what teens view as sex, and some alarming attitudes about sexuall activity.

widebody911 · widebody911's Garage

So how old is the daughter in question? Is she hot? I need a date for a movie premiere...

dd74 · 09-23-2004, 01:37 PM

From what I understand about the story, and from the reaction to those who also heard the story, it is not a matter of whether the father said "yes" or "no" to his daughter being on the pill.

The father's opinion was completely discounted from the decision.

928ram · 09-23-2004, 01:43 PM

I'm with the last two post; there's something fundamentally wrong with the family unit if one of the parents completely side-step the other in a major desicion concerning their children. I'm sure there are some Dads out here with the attitude that Mom should do the girl stuff and Dad should do the boy stuff, but still you'd think they'd want o know.
As for the daughter, I can see where discussing such a thing with Dad might be embarrasing to the point of doing nothing, so having Mom take care of it is cool as long as all parties are in the loop and know each other are.
Now if Mom is doing it completely behind Dad's back, what does this show daughter? Sex is a dirty little secret?

dd74 · 09-23-2004, 02:07 PM

That's an interesting thought, 928. I too wonder what the msg. is that the daughter is receiving.

In short, is the mother truly telling the daughter "Don't tell your father about the sex you're having." And 2: "This little pill is really a license to sleep around."

Two points I didn't bring into this conversation are:

1) The daughter is in college, so probably over 21. Does that make the scenario different to you guys.

2) The two men who told me "It's none of the fathers business," are gay.

lendaddy · 09-23-2004, 02:10 PM

Ofcourse being 21 makes a difference! Unless ofcourse she lives off the parents yet in which case age is just a number. I question why a college girl needs her mother to get BC? If I were a 21 year old girl (hmmmmmm) I would not consult my parents on any of this.

dd74 · 09-23-2004, 02:15 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lendaddy
Ofcourse being 21 makes a difference! Unless ofcourse she lives off the parents yet in which case age is just a number. I question why a college girl needs her mother to get BC? If I were a 21 year old girl (hmmmmmm) I would not consult my parents on any of this.

Exactly!

BTW: if you're really a 21-year-old, can I get your #?

speeder · 09-23-2004, 02:19 PM

She's 21 years old?? Should have said that in the first place. It's definitely none of the Fathers's business, or the Mother's. Would you be asking if she was 31 years old? 41?

Being an adult is kind of like being pregnant, you either are or you're not. Unless you're Chinese, from reading this board lately.

mikester · 09-23-2004, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dd74
That's an interesting thought, 928. I too wonder what the msg. is that the daughter is receiving.

In short, is the mother truly telling the daughter "Don't tell your father about the sex you're having." And 2: "This little pill is really a license to sleep around."

Two points I didn't bring into this conversation are:

1) The daughter is in college, so probably over 21. Does that make the scenario different to you guys.

2) The two men who told me "It's none of the fathers business," are gay.

If she's over 21 she's not his responsibility anymore so technically it is only his business if she makes it his business. The mom not telling the dad is probably bad though because if kind of violates the whole husband/wife intimacy and trust relationship.