RIP...Rodney and Thanks For The Laughs

[Kevin Taylor]

Don't Get No Respect!!! No Respect At All!! Rodney Dangerfield



I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "on your mark ..."

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents, "do you think we'll find them?" "I don't know, there's so many places to hide."

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different - when I open the door the kids hand me candy. "

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles... So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join her bridge club... I jump next Tuesday.

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.

Boy what a hotel that was... why they stole my towel.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent told me I could spend seven nights in HAWAII - no days, just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I supposed to do, jerk him off too?

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy, what a present he gave me!

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually, she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg."

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over - nobody was home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" "No, I hate myself now."

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach, the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale, a card came out saying one at a time.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car, she asked why I didn't go around her. I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "****" they yelled "nooooooo"."

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife has cut me down to once a month. I'm lucky, I know two guys she cut off completely.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife?" He said "Everybody."

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I get up and a button falls off. I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette. We pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong?" He said "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said, "okay, you're ugly too."

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

Boy were we poor. If I wasn't born a boy, I would have had nothing to play with.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out."

I have a son in college. He's majoring in ****ing Up.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I n the library the sign says "Shut the **** up!"

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My wife's not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said all kids smell that way.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
K.T.
1973 911E 2.4 MFI
1965 Devin "D" - 1967 912 Power Plant

[Big Ed]

I wish I'd had the opportunity to see his standup act live. The man was an absolute riot.

(It cracks me up reading the wife jokes -- you ever see his wife?)

[on-ramp]

"I have this new diet where i mix Viagra with prune juice. I dont know whether i'm coming or going"

[kach22i]

RE:
http://www.cnn.com/2004/SHOWBIZ/10/05/obit.dangerfield.ap/

I just saw him on a NBC late, late, late night show with the guy who used to be a MTV host. He was still funny and in good sprits.

The comedy writters of the show all did little impressions of him before he came on, as a tribute. From his going back to college movie: Rodney; hey baby how about you and I go out tonight and have some fun.............Babe: I can't I have class.................Rodney; Call me when you have no class.