My guess is, you are missing his motive. It is simply; as long has his money is not going to HER!


You say this guy pays for some other guys rent? . . yet refuses to allow (more of) his money to go to his children? C'mon.

Get real, this CLEARLY is not about "the children" any more.

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I think that most of us here are tryin gto help you out. I'm not the one slicing anything. . . you wrote; He lives in a family owned house (multi-million dollar property in the SF Bay Area) with his girlfriend and they pay his father $650/mo rent.

I'm just not following, I guess. From what I have followed I've concluded, along with everyone else, that you should let it go.

I 'get' that technically he ought to pay your wife mo'money; but I also 'get' that you are here seeking support in getting that extra money out of the guy. . .and that's not going to happen.

Sorry man; I think you got some great advice here. Consistent too.

I do wish you and your family well.

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He who? He, the kid? He, the ex? (I actually don't care to know. . .just saying, that wasn't easy for outsiders to read.)

jr, I'm not completely following all the details of this, but what struck me is that one way or another, the CS is going to end in less than a year (19 or graduation). So it seems that whether you get the full CS or 1/2 the CS, that unfortunately isn't going to make a long-term difference.

Is this the kid who got his car repo'd, that you posted about before? I thought that kid was going to get turned out of the house ASAP?

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Okay, I will take the brunt of the argument I guess (good thing I will be away from the computer for a while so flame away). I am a divorce attorney. Specifically, I specialize in custody and support, granted in North Carolina. The laws are very similar. I encourage people to work out their differences without having to pay lawyers anything, but sometimes that is necessary. Here though, that might not be the case.

Child support is vested once the payment comes due. That means that once it is owed, say on the 15th, it must be paid. there is nothing the Court can do to divest the Recipient of that payment once due. So, he is in arrears now, regardless of whether he files to reduce sometime in the future or not.

My first question is, "Why can't you have the support garnished from his wages?" That cures your problems instantly. He will show an arrears so even after the child ages out, they will still withhold his wages because of the arrears. If you don't get all of the payments now, you will in the long run.

If you wanted the payments now, you will have to bite the bullet and pay an attorney to bring a contempt action, and ask for attorney's fees. Otherwise, wait until the child ages out and then ask for payments to continue to apply toward the arrears. the important thing to remember is that there is nothing that he can do outside of Court that will reduce his child support. he will need to file a Motion to do that and as soonas he does you are going to file one for contempt.

Guys and girls, make no mistake, if he is not paying the support that he is under an order to pay, set at a hearing by the Court when his attorney was present, he is a Deadbeat. If he cannot pay it for some reason, he could have petitioned the Court before now to reduce his obligation. He had no right to unilaterally reduce his support obligation. That is money to support the child. I say shame on him.

I think my biggest objection is the use of the word "deadbeat" when you are talking about the father. The man put a roof over this womans head, and his childrens when she couldn't. Thats NOT a deadbeat in my book.

my parents divorced in 2000. Waited til I was 17 to handle it, and its been a ***** since. It does tickle me when my dad asks me to come all the way out to his large 6 figure house he just had built out on the island on a piece of property (im starting to estimate it at almost 7 because everything is REALLY EXPENSIVE way out there), and he gets all mad because Im working 6-7 days a week to pay the bills to help my mom out and dont have time to go out there. Nor do I want to see him because after what he did, he doesnt deserve my time.

Started college before it all happened and he said he would help pay for my tuition, never did....ive wittled it down to $7700 left out of 11 grand. I was never invited over for any of the holidays, but in return, since my younger sister was the only one that kept in touch with him, she was treated like the golden child in an effort to make us feel bad. She was taken to Disney in FL, she recieved really expensive stuff for her birthday and xmas. Now some might think that I'm all mad because of material things, but surprisingly I'm not. I'm more ticked that he would attempt to pull such stunts in an effort to get me and my older sister to like him more than my mom. Never showed up at any of my previous birthdays, never asked for me to come out and celebrate with his side of the family. Hell he even *****ed that I bought the Porsche, and should have been paying my bills off instead. If I would have gotten a 911 I would never hear the end of it.

I wouldnt call him deadbeat, but there was a lot our lawyer could have settled out, but somehow it ended up with him payin the mortgage ($2000 a month) and that was it. In the paperwork that was labeled as his child support, so he paid nothing else at all. My youngest sister is 16, and he pays for nothing for her. The house is his in January of 2006, so either we get kicked out, or we fight in court again for more time (my mothers boyfriend owns two houses in Corona, very nice studios inside and is planning on selling one and maybe buying a house for all of us).

I dont care where I go, as long as the P car is there when I go to sleep at night, and there when I wake up in the morning :)

Personally I'd let it go. I'm jaded though. My wife and I were not married when our daughter was born, we lived together engaged for the first two years of her life and I could nver get my wife to agree on a date. Then she cheated on me and eventially left me. I wanted to keep the family together because I didn't relish the idea of not having my daughter at home. My wife filed for CS and was awarded so much including medical that I had to pay for while my wife's job provided it for free that I had to get a roommate just to pay my bills. I did everything I could to get it reduced but couldn't afford a lawyer to help me. Meanwhile my wife's parents took care of the majority of the childcare while my wife spent 3-5 night a week out with friends, moved into an apartment with rent higher than my house and bought a newer car. My custody was to be every other weekend but I got my daughter every Friday evening until Sunday evening because I wanted to. After a year and a half my wife and I patched things up and eventually discovered she had some serious mental problems that lead to her erratic behavior. During the time I was paying child support I could not afford to take my daughter anywhere, I couldn't buy her anything, the money went to mom to spend in a bar. To this day she has never saved a penny in her life yet since we have married and my salary has doubled I have saved a ton for my daughter's future. I have heard far worse stories from other fathers, the system simply is not fair. I had my wife sign a pre-nup stating that in the event of a divorce, the will be NO alimony and NO child support, instead we will have joint custody of our daughter and I will be responsible for medical care and college tuition. Eleven monthes ago my wife's condition lead to a total breakdown and she had to be hospitalized, she lost her job and the benefits provided and I pay a specialist big money to help her with her problems. In the last 6 or so monthes she has made tremendous progress and started to take an active role as housewife, sure our money is tight again but now my daughter has a parent around all the time, the house is clean and dinner is on the table when I get home, in other words my wife is learning to be responsible and it's definately helping my daughter. Had we stayed apart who knows what would have happened to my daughter. Child support means the father gets ZERO say in how the money is spent, ZERO say in how his children are raised, just send the check and pray everything will be OK. Society thinks this is right and we sit back and wonder why so many children are screwed up. if you ask me my current situation is as it should be, a mother to mind the home and a father to mind the finances, role models that are positive for a child. Divorce should be difficult to get in my opinion and child care should be divided equally between the parents because children need both a mother and a father in this world.

Some of you may wonder if I would have married my wife had there been no child involved and the answer at the time would have been no. Unquestionably I love my wife and will do anything for her but if there wasn't a child to hold us together I regret that I would have left. Thankfully we do have a child and that bond made it possible to finally face the realtiy that my wife needed serious psychiatric help, every day she is more and more the woman I first met and proposed to, our daughter has been a blessing in so many ways I can't even count. A marriage for my child's sake has become something much more because both of us were able to work on our differences and problems together.

The point of all this is that you as a stepfather and your wife have also benefited from the CS, you live in a larger home in a nicer neighborhood that you could not normally afford and I'm sure the father is aware of that fact, he probably feel like he is supporting you as well. maybe he is tired of writing the checks and is putting the other half into an account for his son's college, who knows but try to look at things as if you where in his shoes. Writing checks in which you have no control over how they are being spent is a difficult thig to do.

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jrdavid68, I have unfortunately heard that story many times before. It is not all too uncommon. I never second guess other attorneys decisions at the time, however I would have done things differently a long time ago.

I think the guys here are typically good fellows. I am one of the unusual ones that separated and divorced, kept custody of my son, didn't ask for child support, and in fact, PAID alimony to my ex-wife voluntarily. Why? Because it was the right thing to do and I sleep better for it now and always will. More importantly, I never have to look at my son and see his mother in his eyes and know what a shmuck I was to here. When it is all said and done, you don't have to like them because they are your ex-wife's or ex-husbands, but you darn well better respect them because they are the parent of your child. That's a lesson that my father taught me and I am sure many of the posters were taught as well. Some of us forgot it.

I would still make sure that the money is paid, in full, if not now then in arrears that you can put toward college. More importantly, make sure the child is loved and cared for and always offer him just more than you can afford. They deserve that. That is what being a parent is, sacrifice. The child's father apparently never learned that lesson either. As a parent, you do what you should for the child, not just what you have to. The boy will see in the long run who is the father and who is the sperm-doner.

It seems to me the biggest problem in this whole mess is related to your attitude that he is "his" kid. Biologically, yes they are. Now that you have taken "his" family over, maybe it's time to start considering him as "your" kid, and not a source of additional income. Just a pet peeve of mine in our modern "musical chairs" approach to marriage, divorce, and family life. Too many men like you will marry a divorced woman and not assume the full responsiblity for the family that she brings with her, either emotionally or financially. In my opinion (and that's all it is), when a woman re-marries, the child support should stop no matter how old the children are. The new "man of the house" should be a man about it and assume full responsibility for his new family. Way too much "child support" in this country goes to paying for Porsches and other luxuries.

Excellent post/point.

Like it or not, there will always be a relationship, there.

The nature of that relationship can be influenced by your actions.

hmmm . . . I must have gotten that bit of wisdom from a fortune cookie ;)

Had you asked me five years ago my answere would be totally different. I would have been able to spout volumes of venomous dialoge about the evils of my daughters mothers.Just to clarify, I have two daughters from two different mothers. I was married to my oldest daughters mother but not to my second. Even though we were together for almost 11 years we were never married. My choice not hers. And like I, both have made grevious errors in judgement while trying to navigate the fog of divorce and seperation.
The target of my hostility is the sytem. Even though there are obvious flaws in how rights and responsabilities are dealt out, the DA's office and the courts do not have the flexability to deal with each case on an individual basis. It is appearent that custody, support and visitation ruling generally favor the mother. I really couln't sit here and site examples of how true this is. But having spent MANY hours in family court it is very clear that fathers face an uphill battle when trying to get a fair shake.
The term "Deadbeat" is a word coined by the lawyers/lawmakers/lobbyists/womans groups and picked up by the media (mainly because it's easy to verbalize and rhyms) to vilify their opponents (men) in court. How aften do you hear of mothers referred to as "Strapped her children in the back seat of the car and drove them into the lake "? Or "Methodically took each child and held their head under water till they drowned"?
Not often, these women are portrayed as victims or sufferers of mental disorders. But If I refuse to pay my child support because I know the money is going to the local drug dealer or bailing out the ex-wifes new boyfriend then I'm labled a deadbeat, my liscense is revoked, my wages are garnished, and so on.
There were very few problems with my ex's that with a little time and communication we couldn't find a suitable solution. The real problem came in when I had to start dealing with the courts.
RANT OVER

Christian, Those are some hard times you describe. Sounds like life living with a partner suffering from Bi-Polar disorder. I've witnessed the effects which can be devestating to family, friends and acquaintances.

Biological father, stepfather, legal guardian, whatever...

The bigger man steps up.