were coming back !!!!!

[adrian jaye]

To the People of America

Date: Thu, 4 Nov 2004 13:53:20 +0100

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA
and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "inter spersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no
such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is
"Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States
will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best i f you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every wenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.

The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in vegetable oil.

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".

The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Mike(dat's me)]

OMG.... I think I split my side laughing so hard....

[azasadny]

Very funny!!

[oldE]

And when you get a taste of real beer, (with more than 3.2 % alcohol), you will come to understand why each denomination of currency has a distinctive colour.
God Save the Queen!
Les

[928ram]

In 1814 we took a little trip
Along with Colonel Jackson down the mighty Mississip
We took a little bacon and we took a little beans
And we caught the bloody British in the town of New Orleans
(you know the rest)

Don't tell me them Brits is comin back for thirds!

[Wrecked944]

Originally posted by adrian jaye
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

Funny, as a guy with a BA in Roman History, I've always been amused by the fact that nearly all actors portraying Romans in movies have British accents. Is this somehow intended to connect with our American notion that all empires are British? Anyway, I always thought it would make sense for them to have Italian accents, right?

Oh yeah, and not to start a fight but...the title of this thread uses the word "were" (past tense of "are") instead of "We're" (contraction of "we" and "are"). So read correctly, it implies that "coming back" has happened in the past. For example, "You were coming back."

[chibone_914]

We're having a GBU-28 party at Adrian's house. Bombing will commence at zero twelve hundred hours.

[Joeaksa]

Adrian,

Thats a good start, and totally agree with the Budvar beer. Its the best on the Continent and wish it was sold here. Will you please resume shipments of the Twiglets and Lemon Curd as soon as possible?!

Can you please explain being "pissed" to us once again as well as something about "wanking" that just is not clear to us older guys...

JoeA

[Z-man]

Adrian
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA...

Well, that's your opinion, and since when does the opinion of the Brits matter these days, anyway?!?

And if you do decide to invade our great land, then take this:

Your mother was a hampster, and your father smelled of elderberries!

Now go away or shall I taunt you a second time?!?

J/K
-Z.

[MFAFF]

Nice to see John went to a decent Oxford College....

It brings some hope..

[tabs]

OHHHH GOOODY WE GET TO BE RULED BY A OUEEN!

[Westy]

WELL, THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER AND IT IS KIND OF BORING OVER HERE RIGHT NOW,,,,HMMMMM, BRING IT ON. WE NEVER GET TIRED OF KICKING THE SAME A** OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

BRING THE CROWN JEWELS WITH YOU. LAURA NEEDS A TIARA, YOU KNOW?.

BY THE WAY, SHOULDN'T THE COUNTRY THAT DISCOVERED ALUMINUM HAVE A SAY IN HOW IT'S PRONOUNCED? JUST CURIOUS.

MY BEER IS FIVE PERCENT AND DOESN'T TASTE LIKE YOUR CRIMINAL COUSIN'S VEGAMITE,,,,LIKE DUDE, IS THAT WHAT YOU MEANT?

WE RECOGNISE YOUR ACCENTS, WE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM. CHIT CHIT AN OLL THAT, GOOD MAN.

BY ALL MEANS PISS OFF MICROSOFT, BUT BE CAREFUL. I THINK MR GATES COULD AFFORD TO BUY YOUR LITTLE ISLANDS.

STOP PLAYING FOOTBALL? I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. IT IS NOT A GAME, IT IS OUR VERSION OF A PENAL COLONY. MOST OF THESE MEN HAVE SIGNIFICANT CRIMINAL HISTORY, AND ARE SIMPLY WORKING OFF THEIR TIME.

READ THE PAPERS,,,,,WE ALREADY DECLARED WAS ON QUEBEC AND FRANCE. WE DON'T EVEN EAT DANON YOGURT ANYMORE. JEEEES, KEEP UP WITH US SOLDIER!

YOU ARE MISTAKEN. OUR CHIPS ARE ORIGINAL, AND WERE INVENTED LONG BEFORE YA'LL CAME TO OUR WORLD. THEY COME FROM BUFALOES AND BURN QUITE WELL. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO EAT OUR CHIPS, I'D SAY THAT'S A GOOD CALL ON YOUR PART.

WARM FLAT BEER IS WHAT WE USE AS BAIT TO CATCH SLUGS AND SNAILS. HMMMMM, I SEE YOUR POINT.

WE DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRICE OF GASOLINE. WERE RICH AMERICA, REMEMBER. BESIDES, WE'RE THE ONES INVENTING THE FUEL CELL. YES WE WILL SELL YOU SOME. 200 % MARKUP AND A 500% ENGLISH TARIFF SHOULD SATISFY US.

YOU ARE PROBABLY CORRECT ABOUT US NOT HAVING GUNS. WE DON'T NEED THEM. WE DIDN'T HAVE THEM IN 1812, AND THAT WORKED OUT ALL RIGHT.

JULY 4TH IS NOT JUST OUR HOLIDAY, IT'S HALF THE WORLD'S HOLIDAY. THAT MARKED THE END OF SOME ANTIQUATED EMPIRE WHOS NAME ESCAPES ME AT THE MOMENT.

I'LL KEEP MY AMERICAN CARS, THANKYOU. WOULD YOU CARE FOR A QUICK ROUND OF DEMOLITION DERBY? THAT IS IF YOU CAN GET YOUR ELECTRICAL SYSTEM WORKING.

AND OF COURSE WE KNEW YOU WOULD GET AROUND TO THE JFK THANG. WHAT'S THAT? IT'S DRIVING YA'LL CRAZY? AHHHHHHHHH, I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN COMES TOGETHER.

BY THE WAY, WHO ARE YOU? DO YOU LIVE IN NORTH AMERICA? HMMMMM, JUST WONDERED, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE BEYOND OUR BORDERS.

WE DON'T DRINK TEA OVER HERE, WE DRINK COFFEE. JEEEES (AGAIN) MAN!!! WHY DO YOU THINK WE DUMPED ALL THAT ***** IN THE BAY TO BEGIN WITH?

DAMN THE TORPEDOS, FULL SPEED AHEAD. (NOW THAT'S A HORNBLOWER!!!)

[Mule]

Since they seem to have everything else figured out maybe now they can focus on figuring out what went wrong with their teeth.

[Isabo]

The part that would be dearest to my heart is spelling.
As an American citizen who went to school in England I have a particular problem of being laughed at for my correct English spelling by my American friends and relatives

[Z-man]

Originally posted by Mule
Since they seem to have everything else figured out maybe now they can focus on figuring out what went wrong with their teeth.

Must be all that warm beer that does it!

[imcarthur]

Originally posted by adrian jaye
7. You should declare war on Quebec

Can we join too? The rest of Canada is the 'we' I mean. I'm really, really tired of those French announcements on Air Canada. I mean really tired.

BTW while we're on the topic of Americans & the English language, it's foy-ay guys. You know, the front entrance room of a house. Foyer - pronounced foy-ay. Not foy-er.

Ian

[gaijinda]

If you can get QEII to dance as Philip sings and plays "knees up Mother Brown" on the piano, we will consider it..

[adrian jaye]

Originally posted by chibone_914
We're having a GBU-28 party at Adrian's house. Bombing will commence at zero twelve hundred hours.

hahahahah ROFLMAO

[cstreit]

So long as I'm not forced to watch "The Prisoner" or "Absolutely Fabulous"... I'm fine...

...and I still won't eat food out of a chemical ridden newspaper.

Bring on the real beer!

[fintstone]

Originally posted by tabs
OHHHH GOOODY WE GET TO BE RULED BY A OUEEN!

Just how would that be different than electing Kerry or Edwards?