Star Spangled Banner Banned!

[rrpjr]

Associated Press
December 29, 2004
Los Angeles, CA


Citing the “outrageous jingoism” and “disturbing images of war” in its lyrics, the Regents of the University of California today announced that the Star Spangled Banner, the nation’s official national anthem since 1916, would no longer be played prior to sporting or ceremonial events at the state’s two largest campuses in Berkeley and Los Angeles.

The Board’s controversial 5-4 vote in favor of the ban came after intense lobbying from the system’s academic community, led most vocally by the Chairperson of the Department of Women’s Studies at Berkeley, Dr. Libby Castratus, and UCLA’s acting Dean, Dr. Haylord Hackmeister, who also heads that school’s new Department of Oppression Studies.

Surrounded by ACLU attorneys and other representatives and members of the interest group, No Imperialistic Music to Rile Our Delicate Sensibilities (or “NIMRODS”), Hackmeister and Castratus hailed the decision as a “new era in awareness of America’s correct heritage,” and saw “enormous opportunities” to offer “new musical modalities of spiritual expression in a group setting.”

Hackmeister spoke at length about the origin of his “long and difficult struggle” to abolish the star-spangled Banner. It began three weeks ago after watching a Fox News Network story on a group of schoolchildren in Modesto, CA who videotaped their rendition of Francis Scott Key’s time-honored paean to patriotism to send to the troops in Iraq. Hackmeister, experienced, as he puts it, a “Road to Damascus” moment in which he realized the “danger to our children” inherent in the song’s “hegemonic and warlike” lyrics. He knew then that the ongoing bloodlust it inspired “had to be stopped.”

“Is it any wonder Americans jackboot around the world starting illegal wars? Nevermind our violent and oppressive traditions, which we could hardly expunge from our souls in several lifetimes of shame and mortification. But on top of that do we really need our children to be assailed with images of ‘rockets red glare’ and ‘bombs bursting in air’? How are we ever to cultivate a non-confrontational planet?”

Castratus added that the song’s lyrics “land of the free and home of the brave” were arrogant and presumptuous, implying that America “held some kind of premium on moral virtue.”

“This is a bad song and must be buried along with every other forms of propaganda of America’s superior qualities.”

The group said that the two universities would offer a “pacifist pot pourri” of pre-game music designed to uplift and inspire. Buddhist Monks singing chants to chimes will be alternated with selections from Peter, Paul and Mary. In addition, audience members will be invited to meditate on a number of topics listed on the back of their tickets. Those not wishing to meditate on the topics provided would need to submit their requests two weeks prior to the event to the Universities’ new Panel on Meditation Sanctification (PMS). No “illegitimate meditation” would be permitted.

Near the end of the session, a reporter from a conservatrive weekly pressed Hackmeister and Castratus on the details of the alleged “groundswell of support” they received on their initiative. The reporter asserted that only a tiny minority of visiting students, from Eastern Pakistan and Cuba, had supported the movement. Hackmeister responded that the University had a solemn obligation to honor the sensitivities of all its members, and that the rights of minorities must be upheld, “especially the voiceless 13 among a 700,000-member community. This is a day for all Nimrods to celebrate.” His comments were met with cheers, and the reporter was ushered out.

[Icemaster]

Libby Castratus.

That's good.

[kumma]

Originally posted by rrpjr
Surrounded by ACLU attorneys and other representatives and members of the interest group, No Imperialistic Music to Rile Our Delicate Sensibilities (or “NIMRODS”)

im guessing the real nimrods would be a little ticked at the use of their name, even in jest

http://www.watersmeet.k12.mi.us/nimrod.html

[rrpjr]

Most sincere apologies to most noble Nimrods everywhere. I'm just ignorant. Where I came from the term was always used as a mild pejorative along lines of "nerd."

[mikester]

This can't possibly be serious.

[cstreit]

I'm guessing they'll burn all their CD's then...

http://www.calband.berkeley.edu/calband/media/cd.html

[Icemaster]

Originally posted by mikester
This can't possibly be serious.

It's not. But he had me all the way up to the name of the organization...