"Do not use for personal hygiene."
 

Toilet Brush Warning Wins Consumer Award

By DAVID N. GOODMAN, Associated Press Writer

DETROIT - The sign on the toilet brush says it best: "Do not use for personal hygiene."

That admonition was the winner of an anti-lawsuit group's contest for the wackiest consumer warning label of the year.

The sponsor, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, says the goal is "to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products."

The $500 first prize went to Ed Gyetvai, of Oldcastle, Ontario, who submitted the toilet-brush label. A $250 second prize went to Matt Johnson, of Naperville, Ill., for a label on a children's scooter that said, "This product moves when used."

A $100 third prize went to Ann Marie Taylor, of Camden, S.C., who submitted a warning from a digital thermometer that said, "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally."

This year's contest coincides with a drive by President Bush (news - web sites) and congressional Republicans to put caps and other limits on jury awards in liability cases.

"Warning labels are a sign of our lawsuit-plagued times," said group President Robert Dorigo Jones. "From the moment we raise our head in the morning off pillows that bear those famous Do Not Remove warnings, to when we drop back in bed at night, we are overwhelmed with warnings."

The leader of a group that opposes the campaign to limit lawsuits admits that while some warning labels may seem stupid, even dumb warnings can do good.

"There are many cases of warning labels saving lives," said Joanne Doroshow, executive director of the Center for Justice and Democracy in New York. "It's much better to be very cautious ... than to be afraid of being made fun of by a tort reform group."

The Wacky Warning Label Contest is in its eighth year.

SmileWavy

The Wash post ran a style invitational contest a few years back on this.

Every Sunday the Washington Post runs an amateur humor competition called the Style Invitational ... a new contest is begun and the results from a previous contest are announced. What follows are the results reported in yesterday's contest ...

The Washington Post
May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition

Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning labels for common products.

We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:

On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington)

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $ 4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last:

On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).

Too funny!

I always love the "Warning - may contain peanuts" found on just about every can/bottle of peanuts!

And: ever notice on frozen 'TV dinner' meals the prhase "Serving Suggestion" is just above the recommendation to "Keep Frozen."

-Z.

Bricks of C4 say "DO NOT EAT" in large letters.

This kind of stuff makes me want to just slap the livin' $#!* out of somebody. Here's my "serving suggestion" for the people that cause this cr@p to permeate our lives; The judges in our country need to take the lawyers and clients that bring in the frivolous lawsuits that cause these ridiculous statements, and throw their sorry butts back out into the gutter where they came from. Don't allow everybody to be punished for the ignorance of a few.

So how do you really feel Mr. Dryden?

How about this for tort reform:

1) Consumers should use common sense when using dangerous products that have the capacity to do bodily harm;

2) Ordinary citizens like you and me should sit on Civil Juries once every six months, and reward litigants with the NO CAUSE!

Heh heh, sorry if I ranted a bit... :D I get a little carried away sometimes.

Hey, I'll go one better. We can get David Spade to do his "NO!" routine like he does for the Capital One commercials! "I'm predicting a NO storm!" We can make him our "C.E. NO!"

I was just laughing about that very same thing this morning at work, while eating a bag of peanuts....