Would Like Your Opinion - I went My Dad to Come Live With US

M.D. Holloway · 03-30-2005, 08:06 AM

I've been going over the pros and cons in my head over this. I would like my ol man to move from CT to TX and live with us. He is 81 and in great shape both mentally and physically (save the mac degen in the left eye). I have mentioned it in passing to Lisa in the past and have gotten a luke warm responce.

We have plenty of room for him. The weather is great and there are folks we know in our hood that he would get along great with. He would get a chance to be with his grandkids and they would get a chance to be with him.

He is a rather proud guy and doesn't want to impose. It would take some pestering to get him to do it but I think he would really like it. He is the type of guy that doesn't look for things to do or people to visit, he rather it come to him - but when that happens he is the life of the party.

Any ideas?

dd74 · 03-30-2005, 08:14 AM

Mike - if he's everything you describe, I would not see a problem with it. I love the idea of family living together, and in the long run could see it benefitting your father and your children tremendously. I.E., he could probably be more help to you and your wife then a hinderance - particularly if both of you have jobs. But you should talk and talk and TALK some more with Lisa about this to make sure you two are on the same page. And then talk about what future problems could come up with his health and both yours and her patience to deal with him as he gets older. Otherwise, I salute your decision. Good man!

Oh Haha · 03-30-2005, 08:37 AM

Sounds like a good idea.

stevepaa · 03-30-2005, 08:44 AM

What are the accomodations like? Older people like my dad prefer some peace and quiet and so living in one of our bedrooms would not work. Do you have separated area for him? Maybe an active senior citizens assisted living might be more appropriate. What games does he play? Bridge, gin, pinochle, dominoes, etc? The hours of older people tend to be up early and in bed early. How would that fit?

pwd72s · 03-30-2005, 08:44 AM

Does your dad want to make the move?

cowtown · 03-30-2005, 08:48 AM

I think step one is getting buy-in from your wife. If she's not enthusiastic about it, it won't work. Other than that, sounds good.

gaijindabe · 03-30-2005, 08:51 AM

Old folks can be pretty set in their ways. And they dont know it till they move in!

My Aunt had a new wing built on her house for her elderly Aunt. It lasted six months. The old girl missed her friends, her community and her independence.

But I am all for family togetherness and grandkids having much to do with the old folks..

How about a few long term visits? Each one longer than the next.. By next winter, or the one after - the 'ol Man will only be too glad to be moving to TX!

amity914 · 03-30-2005, 08:53 AM

We are one of the only countries in the world where the family don't take care of their elder family members, I say do it. I watched my great grandmother rot away in a nursing home with a room mate that stole from her and it was hell. I was only 14 at the time, so I couldn't take care of her myself, I would have if I was a little older. It will probably not always be easy, but face the challenge and conquer it with pride.

HIEDI

M.D. Holloway · 03-30-2005, 08:56 AM

Stevepaa:
We have a guest room upstairs and also a study downstairs that can be converted into a guest room. He loves activity and things going on. He is the type to stay up late, frequenly grabbing a few Z's in between his various cop shows and he gets up pretty early to exercise. He is a avid poker and pinochle player and is frustrated that none of the ol codgers in his hood want to gamble with him (that won't be the case in Texas!). As far as assitied living...he would hate it. Plain and simple. He thinks those places are "dying places" and he isn't dying. He struggled with putting my Mom in one, waited and waited and finally when she got to bad for him to care for her any more, she was admitted into a conv home. He is not much for hanging out with old people (over 60). He likes to gab with them but often tells me that they complain too much then I have to hear him tell me about "these people don't know what it's like to struggle, why when I was wounded in the WWII....

pwd72s:
The only time my ol man took a chance was on an Indian blanket (according to my late Mom). I think that was a reference to unprotected sex but I am still unsure...
He is the type, always has been, that needs to be lead into something like this. Would he like it? Absolutley. He is crazy over my kids and loves activity. He is a very proud man and would not want to feel like he was inposing. In the end, if I told him that this was the way it was going to be, he would go along with it.

legion · 03-30-2005, 08:56 AM

I had just the opposite situation.

My father demanded that I take him in. He is 52, is severly overweight, diabetic, and is in a wheelchair since having a leg amputated last year. Neither my wife (of 8 months) nor I get along with him. He is imposing, still treats me like a child, is a pathological liar, and has a history of stealing from family.

Neither of our small bathrooms can be negotiated in a wheelchair, and because our house is a split-level, he would always be away from something he needs (bathrooms are above and below each other, the kitchen is on the ground-level floor). Further, despite strength training, there's no way I could carry a 375 lbs. man up and down stairs a few times a day. Not the least of all, I couldn't trust him to be left home alone. My father is a master of social engineering and could find a way to steal from me even if he couldn't physically get out of the house.

That being said, it seems like you have the ideal situation. The thing that concerns me the most is the response from your wife. In our case, above all else, we knew that our young marriage could not endure the stress of having my father around. You and your wife need to be of one mind on this, as this will affect you both every day. You need to ask your wife about what her reservations are, and determine together whether they can be addressed or if they are total show-stoppers. I've seen too many people (both husbands and wives) who get their spouse to capitulate on this issue and it only ends up breeding animosity and resentment.

That's my 2¢--which at today's exchange rates give you $0.00 USD.

stevepaa · 03-30-2005, 09:39 AM

It all sounds good then. My dad has the same complaint about assisted living. They are in one only because of my mom. He thinks most of the people there have no life in them, and barely any wits about them.

You really need to get your wife on board. I like the idea of several expanded visits to see how things go.

good luck.

M.D. Holloway · 03-30-2005, 09:45 AM

I talked to her today about the idea. And she came up with the concept of getting him out here a few times, each progressively longer than the last. Her big thing is that I travel a week or two a month. I think she feels that she will have to babysit him. That is not the case. He is self sufficiant and does just fine on his own. I think she is a bit overwhelmed.

If the case was reversed, this would not be an issue - anyone of her family members is welcome anytime for as long as they like. I would gladly welcome her grandfather or her parents if need be no question.

rcecale · rcecale's Garage

Mike,

I know how you feel! I've been trying to get my father to move from Detroit down here to Georgia. We have plenty of room in our house, it's just Alexis and I here in this big house. He could have a room at the other end of the house, with a private stairway leading down to the kitchen and laundry room.

He's in his early 70's and owns his home, but it's not located in the best part of town, and plus there is all that nasty white stuff that he has to deal with all winter.

He and my wife get along fantastically, and she likes the idea also. I guess, like yours, he's just set in his ways and doesn't see a need for the big upheaval.

Heck, I even promised him all the hi-speed internet he could handle. That seems to be his favorite pastime.

Hmmmm, perhaps if I offered to let him drive the P-car....

Randy

M.D. Holloway · 03-30-2005, 10:44 PM

I think if I got my Dad High Speed internet he would end up playing poker on it! First things first is to get him down for a good few weeks then see what he thinks. The ol coot is too freak'n proud. I know this is going to be pulling teeth but I also know that he would have a richer life and so would my kids.

It's Lisa that is my worries right now. Fortunitly I have had many years workin that magic, trouble is she is keen to my manipulative ways now so I have to just be up-front and honest. Man, relationships are so stressfull!

Rot 911 · 03-31-2005, 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by LubeMaster77

It's Lisa that is my worries right now. Fortunitly I have had many years workin that magic, trouble is she is keen to my manipulative ways now so I have to just be up-front and honest. Man, relationships are so stressfull!

Like Colin said and you realize, she needs to be fully on board if this is ever going to work. How well does your family do with extended guests? Ever had someone stay for a few weeks? He may be your dad, but he will still be somewhat of a stranger in the house. I think your wife my have a good idea with having him first come for an extended visit, with a defined deadline for the visit ending, and then all of you talk about the pros and cons afterwards.

einreb · 03-31-2005, 12:24 PM

Is a nearby apartment out of the question?

M.D. Holloway · 03-31-2005, 12:41 PM

No, that would just put it back to him being alone. At first we would swing by but as time went by the visits would draw out and he would be in the same boat. He wants us to be involved and pay attention to him he just won't ask becuase he dosen't want to intrude.

M.D. Holloway · 03-31-2005, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by SoCal911SC
Seems to work if there is enough room for everyone and the parent is financially independent.

Ya, he has a great gov pension, VA bene's, Soc Sec and no debt. His house is paid for so if he moves in he will rent it out or sell it and just invest the proceeds or gift it out. He has a new C class benz that he paid for in cash. He would want to kick in his share for room and board but as far as I'm concerned, he won't have to pay for anything. If he wants to kick in, he can put it in the kids college fund.

No guest/family member pays under my roof...

elwood-914 · 03-31-2005, 07:01 PM

Close families are cool. Your wife needs to be comfortable with the situation. I have a friend who's family is sooo close. They have 5 seperate houses but all the back yards tie in together. A rather special family. I love them dearly.

David · David's Garage

I like the idea of some long visits first. Like someone else mentioned, old folks can be very set in their ways which doesn't allow for the compromise required in most households.