women's humour

[Brian Cameron]

A friend of my wife's sent this to her recently and she shared it with me:


Dear Tech Support:

Re: Software Problem

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance; particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs at all and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the entire system. I've tried Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Desperate
___________________________

Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1 (Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files.)

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0!

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Do not download applications or play games that are not compatible with Husband 1.0 as they may have HIV (High Intensity Vulnerability) viruses or STD (Slow Transport Deficiency).

To prevent Husband 1.0 from catching these viruses, you may need to install Total Submission 5.0. This works well as it keeps the operating system at high performance since it does not have to multi-task waiting out other applications that may be interfering!

Good luck,
Tech Support

[Brian Cameron]

Not to be outdone, I replied to my wife as follows (copying her friend, of course):

----------------------------------
With all due respect, I believe the tech support response is misguided; the issue at hand is not a software problem, it is clearly hardware related.

With the operating system Husband 1.0 the hard drive requires frequent maintenance. Do not ignore the operating system's frequent popup notifications indicating that attention is required. Be sure to follow lubrication instructions carefully, and use the correct equipment for this purpose (although an occasional manual application is acceptable where downtime for maintenance must be kept short). Remember that without reasonably frequent attention, the system will fail to enter sleep mode properly and thus will waste energy, possibly overheat, and sparks may fly as a result.

The tech support response should also have indicated that although installation of Total Submission 5.0 may be of some use as a method of virus prevention, it is not guaranteed, and it has the drawback of providing a user interface which many regard as dull and unengaging. Instead, an appropriate communication protocol should be used; be sure to select one that ensures clarity and brevity in messaging, test it at regular intervals, and upgrade as necessary. This approach is more straightforward and leaves more resources available for multitasking.

However, the tech support rep is correct in recommending Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7 as memory and performance boosters. Removal of Lingerie 7.7 shortly after installation is particularly effective in boosting performance. Also, bear in mind that although Husband 1.0 is primarily an operating system, its adaptive nature sometimes benefits from the challenges presented by entertainment applications, in particular, Sportscar 2.0 (sometimes known as Porsche 9.11). This application can also boost the availability and frequency of other entertainment applications such as Dinner Out 3.2 and Weekend Getaway 5.1 (note: these are the adult versions; do not attempt to run the child-friendly versions as they are not really compatible with Sportscar 2.0).

Finally, once Husband 1.0 is installed, it is essential to test connectors frequently to ensure the male and female components are fully compatible. Unreliability in the flower and jewelry applications can usually be traced to marginal connector coupling. Another common cause is failure to enable the Female Enhanced Lingual Loving And Tonguing In and Out (FELLATIO) function. Also, the procedure of gently tugging the hard drive wire to verify the connection should not be limited to the break-in period as is sometime the case; it is an essential part of ongoing maintenance. In this way a positive connection will be assured for the lifetime of the equipment.

I trust this clarifies the nature of the solution.

Regards,
your favorite technician

PS - Since you upgraded some time ago to the more advanced version, Husband 2.0, you have enjoyed the many refinements and problem fixes in the newer version, not the least of which is that is is fully certified as virus-free. However, this version is much more maintenance intensive than the original version.

In fact, maintenance is overdue at present and you are strongly advised to bring it up to date as soon as possible. I recommend you schedule a servicing during the NAP outage for Child 2.0 if the video playback function is turned on for Child 1.0 at the same time. Several servicings may be necessary to bring the schedule up to date.

[Joeaksa]

Lady friend of mine just sent this to me...

Edge Designs is a company run by all women - they design office
interiors. They recently had an opportunity to do a project in NYC here the client offered the women of this company a "free hand" in all design aspects. The client was also a company that was run by all female execs.

The result? Well, we all know that men never talk, never look at each other and never laugh much in the restroom. The men's room is a serious and quiet place. But now, with the addition of one mural on the wall,let's just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles.




Like it and would love to see more like it around the world. Please, just no "Brokeback mountain" type of crap.

[kach22i]

Originally posted by Joeaksa
Please, just no "Brokeback mountain" type of crap.

Come on you love it.

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, they only had $2.00
between them.

Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00
on one large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at
all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." They went into
the pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble
we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks. Larry said "OK! I'll stick the
sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and
threw them out. They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do
this anymore. My mouth is sore! and my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third bar."

[kang]

I'm sure this has been posted before, but it's still funny (and accurate):

1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!