Re "Marriage Advice" What May a Husband Rightfully Expect?

[pbs911]

...

[vash]

i think you could righfully expect BJ's to never happen again

on a serious note, i am also cynical as hell. i dont know what it will be like. but i know that after years of "old school" marriage rules, it would appear that we (men) have several decades of give, give, give, to make it up. all my married friends ask me, when, why...? i dont get married. i dont know the answer.

[Burnin' oil]

I put my wife first and she puts me first - works out great. Married 16 years and each year is better than the last . . .

[Hawktel]

Fear of all the bad things is why I keep not wanting to get married.

I've been speaking to my long time GF. We are going to take it slow. She had a bad marrige before, and we are both thinking slower is better.

But, we are working out some ground rules. Total honesty seems best.

[Danimal16]

Just like the Country Song:

Girls Lie Too!

[legion]

I think my big expectation is not to make big decisions without me. Of course, this is a two-way street. We talked for months before buying a house. The 951 was a big purchase (for us) and we had to work through whether or not it was possible or desirable in regards to our current financial situation. (Not that it is bad, but even small purchases can get expensive over time.)

[Westy]

Originally posted by vash
... all my married friends ask me, when, why...? i dont get married. i dont know the answer.

Jen Does!!!!

Kidding aside, there's a lot of crap floating around about marriage,,,all this give give give crap, do everything for her and nothing for you, blah blah blah.

THE SECRET. Have fun together, treat each other as you would want to be treated, ummm,,,well,, that's about it. Now go find the lady that fits that description and have fun. Jeeees, guys, this ain't rocket science.

[928ram]

I’ll start. I expect a wife to put me 1st, before any member of her premarital family. She has to make money commensurate with the level of her material expectations. If she is in good shape before we marry, I expect her to stay in good shape after. She can’t expect me to “love” her family simply because we got married. She has to be able to cook and clean. If she is the last one out of bed, she has to make it. And, she can’t come down with a life-long head ache upon saying “I do.”

June Cleaver's dead.. and she ain't coming back.

[Z-man]

What do I expect in return? Absolutely NOTHING.

Is that what I get? On the contrary, I get EVERYTHING I ever wanted, and THEN I get more!

See, the trick is that my wife also feels she needs to give me everything she is capable of, and expect nothing in return. That is the key to a successful relationship, IMHO. In the other thread I stated some very noble sounding guidelines for what a man should do in a marriage relationship, but I failed to reveal the other side of the equation: in my relationship, Kim gives me so much more that she makes me want to give her more! If I may quote Jack Nicholson from "As Good As it Gets," [Kim] makes me want to be a better man.

It all goes back to AGAPE love. This love is selfless and expects nothing in return. The way AGAPE love works in a marriage relationship is like this: if both partners are in (AGAPE) love -- then the relationship will always grow and be dynamic. If only one person is in AGAPE, and the other doesn't have a self-less love, then the relatioship will fall apart.

I've often heard preachers state, "Marriage is a 50/50 relationship." You give 50 percent, and your spouse gives 50 percent, and the result is a 100 percent relationship. I disagree with that ideal. I think a marriage is more like, "I give 100 percent." Period. End of story. (IE: there is no expectation from the other side). The trick is -- if both partners agree to give 100 percent into the relationship, instead of a "100 percent" relationship, you wind up with a 200 percent relationship.

Ok, I'm going to bring in some of this Bible stuff again - but please bear with me -- this concept can be applied to all relationships. Back in the Old Teastament, God made an agreement with Abraham -- a covenant.

Some background:
Back in ancient times, when two kingdoms or peoples made an agreement with each other, they would take livestock from both camps, and kill them. Then they would split the dead carcasses in half. Then, both parties of the covenant would walk between the dead animals. This act would bind the two parties in the covenant. The significance of this ceremony was this: If I do not live up to my side of the covenant, you may do with me as we have done to these animals. That's quite a visual representation of an agreement, don't you think?

Are you still with me? Here we go...

So, when God made a covenant with Abraham (Abram, actually) He had Abram kill a three year old heifer, female goat, ram, a turtledove and a pigeon. He directed Abram to line up the animals as they did in those times. Now here's where something interesting happens: as God and Abram are ready to 'do the walk' through the animals, God puts Abram to sleep, and he has a vision. In his vision, Abram sees a smoking oven (pot) go between the dead animals. Then he also sees a burning torch go through.

The smoking oven represents God. His side of the coventant was to bless Abram and his decendence. He 'walked through' the animals to signify that He will hold up his side of the deal.

Now, what does the burning torch represent? Abram? Actually, no. It also represents God. WHAT?!? Are you saying that God walked through the animals TWICE, and Abram didn't walk through at all? Exactly. Here's the significantce: God walked through the animals stating He will uphold his side of the covenant. Then He walked through a second time, and the significance of that is that God will uphold His side of the covenant. Period. There were no requirements put upon Abram! God essentially said, "I will uphold my coventant with you, even if you do not uphold your side of the agreement." I will give you 100 percent, and expect nothing in return. Indeed, God has kept his covenant with Abram and his descendants to this day.

Now, take what God did and apply it to a marriage covenant. Imagine on your wedding day, your bride walking through carcasses that have been cut in two, thus stating that if she breaks her coventant with you, you have every right to do to her what have been done to the animals. NOW imagine your bride walking through a second time -- and by so doing saying that she will still hold up her side of the covenant with no expectations on your behalf -- wouldn't that drive home the concept of sacrifical and selfless love?

NOW -- if both parties are willing to do this - to walk through the carcasses twice, and expect nothing in return -- there is a relationship that is starting with the right perspective. But that is only the beginning...

Sorry for the lenghly disortation on the concept of a covenant -- hope it made you think a little about marriage...

-Zoltan.

PS: I would check with the custodial staff of the place where you will get married prior to bringing dead cows, goats, rams into your wedding ceremony -- all that blood is hard to clean up!

[Superman]

What can the husband expect? You gotta be kiddin'. Marriage is thought, by some, to be a good deal for the female. If you take a peek at dissolution decisions filed by family courts across the country, you'll see their opinion on the matter. And, ummm, I've talked to a lot of guys who insist that marrying is not a good way to ensure you'll get laid regularly. And that is consistent with my experience.

But hey, you should know this input comes from a man who became divorced, finally, late in 2004.

[Z-man]

Ok, while I'm on my soapbox, here's another analogy about Agape love:

In Israel, there are two lakes: the Sea of Galilee, and the Dead Sea. These two lakes are a mere 100 miles apart, connected by the Jordan river. Both seas are fed by the springs the trickle down from the moutains just north of Galilee. So, these two lakes have the same water, and are just 100 miles apart, yet they are vastly different!

The sea of Galilee is vibrant -- it is full of life. Fisherman daily cast their nets into the water and catch fish in abundance. The shores are teeming with wildlife and lush vegetation. There is life in this lake.

The Dead Sea, as the name suggests, is dead. There is no life in this lake. The shores are barren -- no animal rests its weary body alongside its shores.

How can this be? Isn't the water the same in both lakes? Well yes. But there is a significant difference: you see as much water as the Sea of Galilee takes in, it also gives out. The springs feed the sea, but the sea also releases its water into the Jordan river. Thus, the Sea of Galilee is replentished with living water again and again. Not so with the Dead Sea -- the river Jordan gives the Dead Sea the water, but it does not release any of it. You see, the Dead Sea is 1300 feet below sea level -- there is no lower place where the water can flow to. As such, all of the silt that flows down the river has no where to go -- it just piles up in the Dead Sea and suffocates all life. Eventually the water evaporates in the arid climate around the Dead Sea, leaving a salty-silty solution that supports no life.

The big difference -- the Sea of Galilee only only TAKES IN water - it also GIVES water. The Dead Sea only TAKES IN water - it 'selfishly' keeps it all to itself.

-Z.

[Danimal16]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Z-man
[B]What do I expect in return? Absolutely NOTHING.

Is that what I get? On the contrary, I get EVERYTHING I ever wanted, and THEN I get more!

ZMan,

You are right and you make a great explanation of the Covenant. I was discouraged by my wife because of her actions and eventual infidelity, but what the heck, I have worked through that part.

I would like to ad that the new testament provides us with the instructions for the relationship between a man and wife and I would offer that God has defined what we need and I do agree with it as it was abscent from my marriage. The instructions are from Ephesians 5:22-33:

Wives and Husbands
22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

The Loss of Respect is Key for men and the need for love is key for women.

Just my 2 Cents worth, but heartfelt

[Moneyguy1]

What should a husband expect?

AS much in return as he is willing to give.

[Danimal16]

Originally posted by Moneyguy1
What should a husband expect?

AS much in return as he is willing to give.

*******************************************
As stated in my previous post, Men really should expect Respect and Women should really expect love. The lack of either is the death of the marriage.

It is what is key to keeping the "dance" going. Doesn't mean that toes won't occasionally get stepped on, it means that when we do step on them we need to dance even more. And remember that man and women are "equally yoked" and should one not meet the needs of the other, the cycle of Love and Respect; Respect and Love, give rise to a potential disaster.

[Z-man]

Originally posted by Danimal16
The Loss of Respect is Key for men and the need for love is key for women.

I absolutely agree. (And the New Teastament concepts of marriage also can help us live together as married folks - I was already taking up too much bandwidth with my disortation on covenant!! ) The reason I think Paul is focusing on these two concepts is because those are the two areas that the male and female have the most difficult time with, respectively. Typically, men have a difficult time understanding emtions, while women have a difficult time understanding concepts like respect, order, logic.

I am sad to hear that your wife abandoned her commitment to you. A covenant is only effective as long as those in the commitment are willing to live by it.
-Z-man.

[Danimal16]

Originally posted by Z-man
I absolutely agree. (And the New Teastament concepts of marriage also can help us live together as married folks - I was already taking up too much bandwidth with my disortation on covenant!! ) The reason I think Paul is focusing on these two concepts is because those are the two areas that the male and female have the most difficult time with, respectively. Typically, men have a difficult time understanding emtions, while women have a difficult time understanding concepts like respect, order, logic.

I am sad to hear that your wife abandoned her commitment to you. A covenant is only effective as long as those in the commitment are willing to live by it.
-Z-man.

Z-Man,

Thanks, I was sorry too, but everything happens for a reason. The first three months were a blur, but believe it or not, no matter how it turns out, I can see forgiveness on its way. Still some work to do on that. I don't confuse forgiveness with trust, as that is pretty much gone.

There is an excellent book out from Dobson by Shaunti Feldhahn, For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men . Guys ought to read it as well. It confirms the respect love requirements. It is a fast read and interesting. I think a lot of guys on this board would identify with some of the findings (or theories) presented in the book, even the hee men.

Thanks for the Support

[Danimal16]

For awhile there I contacted this guy about joining his club:


But I changed my mind, he was better looking and the girls loved him.

Whoooo is me Spanky

[nostatic]

The problem is you can't generalize this. Everybody is different. Relationships are different. Expectations and capabilities are different. You either work around the shortcomings or you don't.

I don't expect anything. What I want is a different story.

[dhoward]

Originally posted by nostatic
The problem is you can't generalize this. Everybody is different. Relationships are different. Expectations and capabilities are different. You either work around the shortcomings or you don't.

I don't expect anything. What I want is a different story.

10-4.

'least that's what geezus sez...

[widebody911]

All the John Gray BS aside, what is the point of getting married, specifically from a guy's POV? It's not the sex - you can get more and better on the open market; the cooking? Not by today's homemaker standards. What is it? C'mon, spill it: what is it that makes a guy pawn his testicles and thrown on the yoke of matrimony?

Whenever a guy says 'getting married was the best thing I ever did' or 'my wife is the most beautiful person in the world' or any of that claptrap, they say it with the same catatonic conviction of the guy wearing a blindfold, holding a copy of today's Moscow Times, with an AK-47 pressed to his temple while he says "They're treating me very well, please send the money."