marriage advice?

[notfarnow]

Howdy folks,

I'm gettin hitched in 3 weeks, and would like to learn from the vast pool of knowledge here. I know some of you have wonderful marriages, and some of you have not-so wonderful ones. Some of you are divorced... some more than once.

What have you done right?
What have you done wrong?
What should you be doing but aren't?
What are you doing but shouldn't be?
If you had to give one piece of advice for a long, happy marriage, what would it be?

[juanbenae]

i am not qualified to answer any of those questions, yet i am very interested in the answers forthcoming.

[Moses]

Only one essential bit of advice; marry a woman with charachter. Almost nothing else matters.

Overlook your wifes faults and shortcomings. Do not expect more of her than you do yourself.

If you marry a woman with a good heart, she will have your respect all her life. She will be a good mother to your children and will help you to be a better man.

[juanbenae]

or there is this>>>Help save my Porsche!

[notfarnow]

Moses, on my original post, I didn't want to be so bold as to specifically request a reply by you... but I wanted to. I figured you'd have good advice. Thanks.

[notfarnow]

k911sc... that's the thread that inspired me to start this thread.

[MysticLlama]

Even the greatest memory in the world, and buying her exactly the thing that she's been wanting for several months or a year won't help you when you don't buy her flowers now and then.

I'll never understand, but I think that's normal.

[pbs911]

My advise would be to marry because you want to spend the REST OF YOUR LIFE with that ONE person AND YOU WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN. There is no other reason in today's world. Do not get married for the sake of being married.

Before getting married, be sure you have done EVERYTHING you want to do in life. Once married your freedom to do as you wish is gone. EVERYTHING you do MUST be done for the benefit, or at least not to the detriment, of your spouse or the marriage. Marriage means the days of doing things simply for yourself are over.

Be prepared to give and not take. Do not expect your spouse to do ANYTHING you want. Be prepared to clean up after two people. Be prepared to give up things that mean the most to you. Women change when married. Men change when married. The relationship changes when married. Nothing will be the same.

Marry only a woman who is your best friend, your best lover and hot.

Do not marry a woman who has never lived on her own.

Do not marry a woman who runs home to her family if there is a problem.

Do not live within 10 miles of her family, or your family, after getting married.

Do have a prenupt.

Do throw away all your porn.

Do not look at ANY other woman.

Agree with her when see says [any beautiful woman here] is fake, not pretty, etc.

Have sex at least three times a week, for the rest of your life.

Bring flowers.

Tell her you love her every day.

Do not go to bed mad.

Kiss her every morning when you wake up.

Kiss her every night before you go to sleep.

Understand that when you have children, she will love the children more than you. You will now be second.

I can go on and on.

Print out this thread and read it time to time.

[on-ramp]

Marry a woman who makes or has more money than you.

[nostatic]

one word: communication. If you both engage in it openly and often, you will be fine. If you don't, you're hosed.

Never stuff your anger. Throw it out on the table and hash it out. If it rocks the relationship, it will *really* screw it up a year or two down the road when your stuffed anger starts to come out (often in unpredictable ways).

Work on this stuff BEFORE you get married. Often during the engagement people are on their best behavior, don't say what they really think, are willing to subsume parts of themselves in order to keep things "happy." At some point, that stops and the ***** hits the fan.

And Paul's list is pretty good...but a lot of those come out of my rule #1: communication.

[notfarnow]

great advice...

A little background: We've been good friends for 10 years, been a couple for 4 years, and have lived together for 4 years. We own a house together as well.

She's an excellent communicator... much better than me. When my lack of communication became a barrier on a couple issues, we went to counselling. I wasn't particularly excited to do that, for fear that I would be found to be "at fault"... err... which I was. In the end, I was just as glad to get through that early on.

[pbs911]

Originally posted by pbs911

Have sex at least three times a week, for the rest of your life.

I just wanted to clarify, this one should read "Have sex WITH YOUR WIFE at least three times a week, for the rest of your life."

And, do not have sex with anyone but YOUR wife for the rest of your life.

[id10t]

My dad died 11 years ago, and when my brother and I were out drinking 2 nights before my wedding 5 years ago, some old geezer gave me the best advice ever.

"Nod your head and say 'Yes dear'"

[on-ramp]

Don't take her for granted.

[Superman]

Communication is the key. No secrets. Talk talk talk. Women love to hear the naughty stuff even more than the ordinary stuff.

Dr. Sopp says do not live within ten miles of an in-law. I say do not live within three hundred miles of an inlaw.

Getting married is an oxymoron. You don't "get" anything. It is a commitment to "give."

[dhoward]

Watch nothing but the Lifetime Movie Network for the next week to learn how not to behave.

[nostatic]

Originally posted by on-ramp
Don't take her for granted.

and conversely, don't let her take you for granted.

[widebody911]

http://www.nomarriage.com/index.shtml

[Groesbeck Hurricane]

What Moses said!!

Make sure you know what your spouse likes to do and get involved in it.

Hold hands, hold them often.

Show her respect, open the door for her, hold out her chair, remark on how wonderful she is.

Even when you both know she is not the most beautiful woman in the room, tell her she is, then show her YOU mean it!!! In your heart she should be!!!

Cooking lasts, looks don't. Make sure you both simmer.

Do little things for her, rub her feet, bring her a surprise for no apparant reason, and give her a party when she does not expect it.

Listen to her when she talks, or apologize from the heart when you don't hear what she says. I alway try and let my wife know why I did not listen.

You will never be able to do all things well all the time, but making an honest effort most of the time and succeeding more than failing goes a long way.

My wife and I went to an engagement class prior to our marraige. There was a stripper convention going on at the same time in the same hotel. Most people arrived as couples and left alone! We were shocked! Know each other as well as you can, be honest and upfront.

[Z-man]

My $0.42 on marriage:

1. Never forget to LOVE your wife. You may not feel like loving her all the time, but real love (agape love) is not based on your emotions. It is a love that gives without expecting, cares with abandon, and is totally selfless.

2. Do not be selfish. Focus on Mrs. notfornow, her needs, her desires.

3. LISTEN. When you are upset at each other, hear her out. Don't butt in when she's speaking. If she is rightfully mad at you, then be a man and hear her out.

4. Pray every day. My wife and I are Christians, and every morning we take a minute to pray together -- it puts us in the right frame of mind for the rest of the day. Sure, sometimes, the prayer is nothing more than "Oh Lord, help us to get through today." but it still helps set the perspective for us.

5. Learn to compromise. Sure, you want that brand new 997S. But she probably wants a new kitchen instead. It is better to meet in the middle with an older 911 and new cabinets than to fight over who gets what first.

6. Don't do a prenupt. It only sets the stage for doubt and mistrust. Manage your finances together. My take on the whole financial thing is this: if Kim (my wife) ever left me for whatever reason, it wouldn't matter to me if she took the house, and all my money as well. If Kim leaves, I've already lost that which is most precious in my life, and nothing else really matters. Be willing to put a higher value on your relationship instead of your assests -- it puts things in a better perspective.

7. Random gifts of love go a long way. Doesn't have to always be sparkly and expensive. A handful of wild-flowers snatched from the side of the road will often bring a warmer smile to a woman's face than jewlery. A "Just because..." card will make her feel like she's a queen for the day.

8. Hold hands in public. When in a mall or store, and the two of you want to look at different things, don't forget to give her a kiss before parting. A simple peck on the cheeks will put a smile in her heart. And yours.

9. NEVER complain about your wife to your friends. Just about the worst thing you can do is complain that you couldn't go somewhere because it was your wife's 'time of the month.' If she is sick or feeling ill, instead of complaining, take care of her.

10. Cook her breakfast on the weekends.

11. Don't try to solve all her problems for her. Often women just need a sounding board -- if she's had a bad day, let her 'decompress.' She's not looking for pat solutions to her problems -- she's looking for some compassion and understanding.

12. Celebrate life with your wife. Do silly things like playing tag or hide and go seek around the house in your underwear! Go to a drive in movie or a petting zoo. Go on picnics in the park. Build a snowman and have a snowball fight. Fly a kite together. Rent a row boat. Inject creativity into your relationship -- the dividends really pay off!

Sorry if I sound like a romantic sap, but the stuff I mention above have worked for me so far. I'll be married 11 years this July, and I keep falling in love with Kim more and more and more!
-Zoltan.