Moving out of state, away from family, have you done it?

Vipergrün · 07-08-2005, 08:57 PM

My wife, kids and I are heading out Monday for a move to Colorado. We feel it's the right move at this point in our lives, but my side of the family is being relentless with guilt. I do not expect anyone to understand completely, nor do I ask for their approval, but I do expect their support and unconditional love. I keep hearing phrases like "taking the grand kids away", "breaking up the family" and the like. Sure, we are all fairly close, but not THAT close. Sure, my folks are getting old, but not THAT old.

Anyone else experience this? I have a feeling there is some guilt and jealousy on their part and it's coming out this way.

I just find it odd. He11, it's 2 hours by plane and the drive from SoCal ain't that bad.

Thoughts?

-Brad

vash · vash's Garage

i moved away from EVERYBODY. i actually gave my siblings the nerve to leave too. the phone calls are special. it will be fine. you might like it ALOT. now no one wants me back

BlueSkyJaunte · 07-08-2005, 09:13 PM

F*ck that. My parents couldn't cut the apron strings when I left for college (wouldn't let me apply for anything further away than 4 hours' drive) so when I found a job I moved 2500 miles away.

I have a great relationship with them now.

mikester · 07-08-2005, 09:36 PM

We live in CA and most of my family is on the east coast. In fact my sister moved out here simply because she knew she could fall back on me.

I don't get much guilt from them but Dad only came out for the wedding. Flying out here isn't that much of an imposition and if my mom can come out from the hills of NC then Dad can make it from Tampa no problemo. Still - only been out once. We even took the kid out there to see his parents (my grand parents of course) because they really are a bit on the old side for flying like that (mid 80s). That's the only thing that gets me; my mom has been out 5 times in the last 18 months I think and dad hasn't been out once. I used to go see him every year a few times during each summer to go fishing. Now...well...now not so much.

It irks me. We had a really close relationship but it seems like I have to do all the work.

tabs · 07-08-2005, 10:56 PM

Mother awhile back got really mad at me, and told me she didn't want to see or hear from me anymore....So here I am in LV....Much to her bane....as this is just the place for me to indulge my vices....Nowof course Mother regrets sending me away as she just can't bear to look at the Trust Fund accounts that I have been dipping into....so yeah it's tough to be away from family and friends but it does has some benfits though....

Moneyguy1 · 07-09-2005, 12:11 AM

Heck, I moved away from my kids...One lives in upstate NY, the other in Alabama. Like a friend of mine once said: "You can never have too big of a back yard". I think the lamest and most hateful thing parents can do is "You are taking my grandkids away". Hey, folks..that's why we have such excellent transportation systems.

My one daughter used to get calls from her mother (in NYS) about how she was "breaking up the family" when the kid moved south. I was visiting her one time when such a call came in. She gently hung up the phone "Dad, I do not need that kind of $h!t from Mom". Couldnt have been prouder. After all, the so-called family probably got together three times per annum. Yeah..real close.

Decolliber · 07-09-2005, 06:06 AM

Try moving around the world from continent to continent. Thats the spirit that made the British Empire what it is today!
Seriously, don't worry, you will do fine. All Californians came from somewhere else anyway, didn't they?

Drago · Drago's Garage

Last week I had a phone interview with the hiring manager at a company in Naples, FL (about as far away from here as possible).

The interview went well and I was told to expect an email with a firm offer attached...all I had to do was sign it and fax it back to them. We had discussed rates and he told me that I would be hired as a Senior Design Eng. so I was expecting to be at or near the top of the pay range he quoted me. After I hung up the phone I began to break the news to family and friends.

Talk about causing an uproar!

I've never felt such guilt in my entire life...and all from my side of the family. My wifes parents immediately mentioned that they were looking to buy a vacation condo...great.

Got the same comments about stealing the grandchildren etc.

In the end no email was sent to me...only a single phone call offering way less than he had talked about on the phone. Why can't people tell the friggin' truth or at least know what they can afford to pay a guy before they start quoting pay ranges?

Truthfully it was my fault for opening my big mouth before I faxed them the signed contract...live and learn....I trusted the guy.

Anyway, do the move. It'll be good to be out on your own.

Moneyguy1 · 07-09-2005, 10:11 AM

Forget the guilt trips. Only YOU can pack the bags for such an event.

Do what is right for you. YOu ain't hurting anyone and if you stay and aren't "happy", what's the point?

artplumber · 02:15 PM

Moving is always a tough decision esp w/kids. Not just your family, but also any friends they might have. Question is do you really feel guilty? If you examine this in a detached fashion you may find that you really do want to be close to the family - that's why the guilt is working (or not).

I've never lived close to the family since professional school. They've lived in SoCal the whole time. I've lived in Texas, AZ, and the PNW. Now moving to Florida. Would I like to live closer? Sure, maybe not within two hours, but closer would be nice. They don't really visit as often as you are expected to (visit them)because they are "home". And honestly, traveling is more and more of a PITA. Just weigh the options. If it's right for your family after you've been as factual as you can be, and recognizing the consequences of the move, then you've made the best decision you can.

At least you're not getting "don't let the door hit you in the back!"

Vipergrün · 07-09-2005, 02:11 PM

Thanks everyone, your comments are appreciated, even tabs....I think he's being serious

I cannot wait to move, it's like a whole new adventure. If you keep looking back, you'll never see where you are going. Not to say that I won't miss family and friends, but there are so many people to meet and things to do.

M.D. Holloway · 07-09-2005, 08:46 PM

Brad - my wife moved out of a very small farm town in Iowa (first in her family to do so) and I moved out of a small town in Connecticut (first in my family to do so) to be in of all places Texas!

Ya, it can be rough because having familty around is a great support but when you are out there alone yet together it builds a bond between you and your wife called... co-dependancy.

Good luck.

Jim Richards · 07-11-2005, 03:36 AM

Brad, you'll enjoy Colorado and being away from family isn't such a terrible thing. We moved from Colorado to the East Coast 20 years ago and all our family still talks to us

RoninLB · 07-11-2005, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by bb80sc

, it's like a whole new adventure.

exactly.

legion · 07-11-2005, 07:23 AM

I moved two hours away from family after college. I figured it was time for my parents to grow up and learn how to cook and do laundry for themselves.

911boost · 911boost's Garage

Brad,

Growing up, my dad was in the Navy. We moved a ton, I think it was actually good for me, to have to make new friends etc. My Mom's parents lived in Iowa, my Dad's in DC. We ended up in DC, when I was 12, and then I went to college in Iowa, wierd huh. My wifes folks live in a small town in Iowa, and after we lived in Minneapolis for 5 years (about 2.5 hours from her folks, 16 hours from mine). I got the job offer in Colorado. We jumped on it in a heartbeat. I mena 300 days of susnhine a year, not -30 all the time, who can complain?

I got a little bit of guilt from my folks, complainign that I was moving farther away, but I used the exact same logic as you, and stated that it was only another hour on a plane.

My wifes folks drive out a lot, and we see my parents some. Do I wish they saw my daughter more, yes, but heh, thats life. It makes it even more special when we see them, or when they come out here.

I am glad you are excited, so many people are too set in their ways to take chances and move long distances. I would so it again in a second!

Where in Colorado are you heading? I am in Northern Colorado in Fort Collins.

Bill

targa911S · 09:06 AM

I moved to FL about 20 years ago. Away from my ex wife and PITA family. I always regretted leaving my kids at a young age but as my wife worked for an airline they visited frequently. Lots of phone calls from Dad made for a great long distance relationship out from under the thumb of a spiteful ex. Well that was 20 years ago. The kids are grown, the parents are old and won't be around much longer. I was just a grandfather for the first time, and I am elegable for a retirement at 55. We have been considering moving back, but not to the home town. As they say you can never go back. However we are looking to move into a rural area about an hour from "home". That way we still have distance on our side and yet close enough to visit at a moments notice. Also to check in on my aging parents and new grand baby. Go for it while you're young. Make your way then decide whether you need to go back. Family IS a powerful attractant. However as an older and very wise friend of my told me..in the end you only have each other. Referring to me and my wife. Make sure the decision is good for BOTH of you or you will be miserable.

gaijindabe · 07-11-2005, 09:35 AM

Colorado is a funny place. Everyone, but everyone is from someplace else. Or so it seems.. It is a land without grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. But I guess California was like that once upon a time?

RoninLB · 07-11-2005, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by legion

I figured it was time for my parents to grow up and learn how to cook and do laundry for themselves.

that's a real thought. The parents/any parents will have to learn how to deal more with each other than escaping into the family machine. I would guess some parents aren't ready for that?

kinda like is this still my girlfriend/boyfriend?

or

legion · 07-11-2005, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by RoninLB
that's a real thought. The parents/any parents will have to learn how to deal more with each other than escaping into the family machine. I would guess some parents aren't ready for that?

kinda like is this still my girlfriend/boyfriend? or

Funny. Two years after I graduated from college, my parents moved to Nashville. My sister, who had always lived with them, stayed in Chicago. They got divorced six months later.