My neighbors are JERKS!
 

It never fails. I try and sleep in on the weekends, but it's 0600 hours and he's at it. The hardhead is banging rythmically on the side of the house. His friends are, too. It's annoying, and I know they do it on purpose, sooooo, out comes my trusty .177 MM rifle. Yes, I shot them. Dead dead dead! I hate Woodpeckers.

I was maneuvering the John Deere when I saw the beginning of the race war. The reds were attacking the blacks. Out numbered and substantially smaller in size, the blacks had little in the way of defense. I wanted to intervene, but I decided to stay neutral as Switzerland. Untill,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I was trimming the Pampass Grass as it was growing into the Rainbird and inhibiting the irrigation of the colonies. Suddenly, with a lazer quickness, they knifed through the grasses. The waves of red mimicked a Kansas wheatfield in a light breeze. I looked down and they were upon me. Hundreds of them, biting and itching, it was pure terror. My wife ran to the armory and grabbed our remaining can of WMD's. Responding to my pleading, she gassed my abdomen and legs. Their carcasses fell in writhing agony as I danced around the death field. I'll worry (cough, cough) about the carcinogens at a later time.

The leader always has the biggest mouth. Rythmically screaming his warnings to the squatters who have made my home theirs. In the first days of the war I severely sprained my ankle as I encroached his labrynth of tunnels and secret egress points, and my counter assaults were minimal at best. My plans are, once again, to turn to a chemical assault. I have purchased the pipeline to fit over the John Deere exhaust. Then, into the maze of tunnels; they will roll over in their burrows for I am a tunnel rat. Ground squirrels no more!!

They can act like real turkeys. And they are scrawny and ugly. And they ***** everywhere. It's disgusting, so I unleash my secret weapon. Through the door silky as the black of night, semi-stealth, and straight to the target. But they are cowards and flee in a dark cloud, into the sky. But they will be back. And Gizmo will remain ever vigilant, satisfied in the knowledge that she has thwarted yet another poop pile. It just doesn't get any better than a Black Lab.

Ahhhh, but we still have the lousiest of all neighbors. She is an ogre, hundreds of pounds, and eats like a pig. She has not en-deared herself to me or any other neighbors. She steals apples, she tramps down vegetation, and hates my garden. And I hate her. But alas there is a dilemma. I don't like Venicin. What to do what to do what to do.

But I know in my heart I will win, for I am a man. I have tools, chemicals, and the knowledge to use them. I can perform frontal assaults, and I too, can run in stealth mode. Mother nature is no match for me. Tonight I pick up the *****, patch the holes in the barn, inspect the red's colony for survivors, and remove the broken branch to the apple tree. Then a beach chair, my trusty roscoe, and a cold beer. I will watch the rodent campaign, determine their actions, then decide on the game plan. And if one of them gets hurt before my plan has been implemented, then so be it, for I repeat, I AM MANKIND!!

Part deaux after a round table with my animalcide maniac beer drinking friends.

i am sharpening my broadheads! that ogre is sausage!!! anymore peacocks? i hear they taste like pheasant.

Might be careful with the pellet gun. Woodpeckers are endangered in some areas and if the neighbours see you shoot one and call it in you could be in deep caca!

Personally I hate pidgeons. Can dust them as fast as they land in my backyard to **** in the pool...

JoeA

Ahhhhh, the Peacocks,,,sad to say they have not visited my watering hole in many months. I do not know where they might have gone or what might have happened to them. But to correct you, "I hear" they taste just like chicken but a wee bit gamier. I really don't know what happened to them. REALLY! Ignore the feathers in the blue crystal vase in the corner of our great room! Ignore it I say!!

We had a woodpecker problem for the longest time. Our neighbours were "up in arms" about our policy, which was to shoot them on sight. Well, shoot _at_ them, anyway. We never actually hit one, but that wasn't the point. The point, in the eyes of our neighbors, was that we were shooting at poor innocent woodpeckers, who were just trying to make a home. How dare we....

But we did convince the woodpeckers that living at our place was dangerous. So they moved nextdoor. They didn't last a week before he came over, head down, face half hidden in shame. "John, uh ... would you mind if I borrowed that gun of yours?"

funny thing, one of my watering holes recentlly changed its name to the peacock lounge. used to be called the longhorn lounge until a couple months ago. we have been calling it the longcock, or peahorn since the new owners opened it up as the peacock.

have i stayed on topic?

and oh yeah, one of the new bar maids has big ol' cans. i always ask that she stir my mixed dring with her finger.

We had a cardinal that acted like a woodpecker. Silly bird would land on the window sill of car doors, and peck at the side view mirrors. Then, or all at once, relieve some pressure on the vehicle targeted.

Clearly, it was just fighting its self, for it had been witnessed many a time. It had to go, unfortunately. Too many scratches, etc...

A .177 that hadn't been fired in nearly 10 years took it out. I had forgotten we put a scope that Daisy BB gun, it must still be sighted in, 1 shot, problem solved.

The owls/Labs take care of the squirrels, the Chesapeake takes care of the opossums.

We had a blue jay that did the exact same thing. Almost every day he was out there fighting with himself in the mirror of our Wrangler. I couoldn't belive how much soup a bird could expell down the side of the car.

i have "expelled soup" as you put it before during a fight. i think i was like 20 and going all fista-cuffs with a friend and when it was broken up i had tossed a fleck into my shorts. messed my draws up a bit, but i returned to my place at the bar and continued to drink. i was more pissed about shating myself than i was at the guy i was fighting. we were friends after all, and we'd not been fighting had the captain not had our minds.

I think this is Toby's off-topic day.

Me either Westy. On top of that it remedied being wakened by said bird every single day at the break of dawn. Twas no two birds with one stone, but worked just the same.