teenage daughter wants out

Hetmann · 08-24-2005, 09:20 AM

My daughter is a sophomore in high school. We get along fine although she's frequently moody and upset by something she can't discuss. She hates her school, the staff, the people, etc etc etc. So far, she get's good grades and has not had any significant disciplinary problems at school. On the other hand, her relationship with her mother seems to have devolved into an ongoing catfight. The two of them can't seem to have a civil discussion on any topic.

Here's the latest... My daughter wants to be an exchange student to Brazil, Australia, or anywhere else. Basically the farther away the better. I'm not really in favor of the idea at this point and don't want to make her erratic behavior of late somebody else's problem to deal with.

I spite of all that, I want to give the idea some consideration and discuss it with her in a rational and realistic manner. Has anyone had any experiences good or bad with sending their kids off to be exchange students? Does this cost an arm and a leg?

masraum · 08-24-2005, 09:29 AM

Yowza! That would be one tough decision. If she's acting weird and having problems I'd not want to send her away, but at the same time it is a great opportunity. I'd want to find out what the problem is first. There's gotta be some way to find out. Depending upon what the problem is sending her away could be great or it could be the worst thing. I think the most important thing at this point is finding out why she's acting the way she is (besides the fact that she's 15 which makes her intrinsically a nutter)

I have a 21 yo stepson and a 20 yo stepdaughter. I think I got lucky, the boy was where our grief came from. The girl was/is great. I guess it's a yin and yang thing.

IROC · IROC's Garage

While it is a great idea to explore the details of her becoming an exchange student, I think the bigger effort should be spend exploring why she wants to go so badly in the first place.

Good luck. I have a son that is a sophomore this year, also. I feel for you.

Mike

mikester · 08-24-2005, 09:35 AM

Wow; Rough man - get to the root of the problems at home before you send her away.

Some family counseling or something to that effect.

How much time do you spend with her?

Z-man · Z-man's Garage

How about you send her away for a really short time exchange - like the summer programs that many schools have. Give her a taste of another country devoid of all the luxuries she has grown used to. (Like hot and cold running water, cell phones, TV's, and iPods....) She may reconsider a longer term class then.

Also: I am not a teenage girl, nor do I play one on TV. I'm also not a mother. But from what I've experienced (I've been in leadership roles around high schoolers), this type of behavior is quite normal. As a girl starts to grow up, the relationship between her and her mother often gets very strained. The only suggestion I have is that you and your wife need to be patient and loving towards her - know when to be stern, and know when to let things go. Finding that balance is hard, but can help in your situation.

Good luck!
-Zoltan.

tabs · 08-24-2005, 09:40 AM

Your Daughter is becoming an adult woman...trying to forge her own idenity that is different than her mothers...

When children shut up they feel as if they havn't really been listened to....that it is hopless to try....

RoninLB · 08-24-2005, 10:11 AM

a neice was an exchange student in return for her family taking in an exchange student. It created a household prob with the prissy foreigner expecting everyone to concour to her every wish.

Hugh R · 08-24-2005, 10:13 AM

Normal little miss independence thing. My wife went through it with my daughter who is now 19. She's better than at 16/17, but they still have friction from time to time. That is until little miss independence needs somthing, like money.

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Jerry,
Get to the root cause of the beahvior problems before considering sending your daughter anywhere. My experience is that "strange, unexpected and sudden mood swings = drugs" may be true, although I certainly hope it's not, for your sake.

TerryBPP · 08-24-2005, 10:24 AM

She will just hate everything over there. Don't forget she is a a woman and they are never happy.

Then if she wants to come home you'll be out the money for that semester.

Schrup · Schrup's Garage

I have a 15 year old niece that was starting down the same all loathing path my 17 year old daughter is on. Her Mom got her to volunteer at a local hospital in the Radiology department. She came over to spend the weekend last week & WOW

, what a transformation. She now has a purpose & path in life & her attitude greatly reflects it. She has never been this upbeat & my wife (who works in a hospital) & I greatly encouraged her & pointed out the long & short term benefits of sticking with her plan.

Moses · 08-24-2005, 10:38 AM

Teenagers going across the ocean for school? That has to be reserved for extremely mature, grounded kids who have no serious issues to deal with.

If your kid is troubled, she needs to be close to her family like never before, even if she hates it. For many teenagers, parental love is bitter medicine, but medicine it is.

You need to get to the bottom of your daughters angst. Is it normal hormonal stuff? I hope so, but often it has to do with drugs or sex. What is she so desperate to escape? If it's only you, you're in luck.

Do I think you should consider letting her study overseas? Not a chance.

Superman · 08-24-2005, 10:54 AM

I've raised two daughters. The relationship between a teenaged girl and her mother is very similar to the relationship between a snake and a mongoose. That part is normal. The hormonal mood swings are normal for all females.

What is troubling is this notion that there is something going on, some specific thing bothering her, that she cannot talk about. That is unacceptable. If she won't talk to you, or her mother, get her to counseling. I can remember feeling trapped in certain social problems at that age. The real problem is that I did not have enough ways of evaluating the situations, nor was I aware of all the alternatives. Your daughter needs to find a way out of her current "trap," without leaving the country.

bryanthompson · bryanthompson's Garage

Send her on a mission trip to Mexico. Gain a little perspective.

EdT82SC · 08-24-2005, 11:17 AM

I agree with others that it is best to resolve the problems your daughter is having before sending her away. I would promise her she could go away if she can reach goals you set for her in resolving the conflict with her mother, figuring out what's going on that she can't talk about, and what is going on at school. She's more likely to shape up with an incentive and specific, predefined goals. I like the ideas of volunteer work and family counseling to help too. Good luck.

Bill Douglas · 08-24-2005, 12:08 PM

Send her away on the exchange. She will either love it or hate it, and come back with a much more moderate attitude.

Hetmann · 08-24-2005, 12:50 PM

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. I do spend a fair amount of time with my daughter. I'm always the one she wants to take shopping or to run errands and I try to include her in my activities whenever I can. She communicates with me on most things and has no problem letting me know what she wants. This hating school thing is fairly recent and I can't pry any details out of her.

She's been to counseling and continues on a periodic basis as treatment for migraines that she gets. I've always wondered if it's done any good, but continue to let her go so she can have an outlet. She's also been to various other medical professionals, accu puncturists, yoga classes and what not. She's active in scouts (great scout leader) and sports. She's not a recluse in anyway and I have talked to her about smoking, drinking, and drugs.

tabs · 08-24-2005, 01:30 PM

She LOVES HER FATHER..

Maybe what she see's is her Mothers Hypocrisy.... maybe she knows somthing You DON"T.....

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Quote:

Originally posted by Hetmann
Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. I do spend a fair amount of time with my daughter. I'm always the one she wants to take shopping or to run errands and I try to include her in my activities whenever I can. She communicates with me on most things and has no problem letting me know what she wants. This hating school thing is fairly recent and I can't pry any details out of her.

She's been to counseling and continues on a periodic basis as treatment for migraines that she gets. I've always wondered if it's done any good, but continue to let her go so she can have an outlet. She's also been to various other medical professionals, accu puncturists, yoga classes and what not. She's active in scouts (great scout leader) and sports. She's not a recluse in anyway and I have talked to her about smoking, drinking, and drugs.

Migraines are rough, I've had them for about 30 tears. Recently used Imitrex and it worked for a couple years then had to switch to Relpax and that works great! My neighbor's kids all get migraines and all of ours seem to be triggered by changes in barometric pressure because we all get them at the same time, when the weather is rapidly changing...

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

notise I used "tears" instead of "years" in my last post, must be a Freudian slip...