Another awful day at work
 

Baby girl. 18 months old. First child of young parents.

Bacterial meningitis. Despite our all out efforts she died on my shift.

This is the world´s most ****ty job. Made up my mind to resign this morning. As all of us have contemplated many times before.

But I know I have to push on - back on the horse - time will shadow the memories and the full blown anxiety of not knowing for sure if she would still be alive had I done things differently. All my colleagues say I did everything right, but the uncertainty will be in the back of my head for a long time.

Sorry for spreading my horrible stories to you. Just feels like this community is very supportive and emphatic - almost like a long distance family.

Mate, when you stop asking yourself that, that's when you should worry.
Are there people out there that are only alive because of you?
Remember those ones. They're the ones you forget, it's the bad ones that stick in your head. Sometimes we just don't win. ****ty, but true.

Markus, You do what you can, you use all your knowledge, you apply your skill, you exhaust your recorces and some times it just isn't enough.
Tomorrow is another day

Markus

I am a parent of a young child that has _almost_ been on the receiving end of your story. All I can offer, is that the countless young kids that survived through something similar, do so mostly as a result of the selfless dedication and hard work of medical staff like you. They are living testaments of your skills, training and hard work.

Please do not become disheartened, there are many more parents and kids who should thank you for being alive, than the occasional tragic end-result you just experienced.

I hope time heals all wounds.

BTW, my sister-in-law recently went through viral meningitis at age 44. Not a joke either.

Le Roux

Markus, I could not do what you do. I have a 21-month old daughter and even reading your post makes me want to go home and give her a hug.

For every horrible instance like the one you mention, just remember the thousands of kid's faces that are smiling because of what you've done to help them.

Hang in there.

Mike

Markus,

I flew medivac for many years. The tough ones for me were the children that did not make it. Us old farts have experienced life and if its our time, then so be it, but the kids are just starting out and deserve a chance at life. My ex-wife did (does) heart transplants and it was the same with her anytime a child did not survive the operation or transplant. Sure, the older patients that did not make it hurt as well but just something about a child that goes deep.

Remember, it may hurt and really gnaw at you for a while but if you did your best then there is nothing else you could have done. Also, if you were to move to another job, the person replacing you might not be as good and then it would be even more difficult. Stay where you are as long as you can handle it then move to another department and recharge a while. Its not an easy job and takes special people to do it.

Joe A

Markus, put it behind you and carry on. Thats the only thing to do. Ive been a firefighter for 15 yrs. If I had a dollar for everytime I said I was done after seeing a hurt or dead child, I'd be rich. But I hung in there, because I love the job and know I'm doing a good thing.
So are you. Hang in there bud

Markus
When you stop questioning yourself and no longer feel the pain of your patients then you need to quit. IMHO it is your ability to feel the loss and want to prevent it that makes you ideal for this difficult job. Bless you!

Markus,

As you know every job out there has it's dissapointments. Unfortunately your job has lives attached to it. Your capacity to do good is so much more than most of us. I hope you can remember all the triumphs instead of the tragedies in time.

Hang in there and I hope you make the best decision for yourself!

I don't know how you guys do it. I'm glad someone can. Thanks

I did volunteer work at a childrens hospital for a while. At one point I was gowned and masked rocking a 6 month old with more tubes and lines than I could count. The kid had major issues and had already had many surguries. So I sat in the chair with him for an hour or so just trying to help, give him some comfort, human touch. He died a few days later and it was something that affected the entire nursing staff and volunteers.

I had immediate feelings of concern of "Did I do something to precipitate his death?".

I think it is important to question what we do and could we have been wrong. I also feel that if we are not affected by these events, then it is time to move on. But the reality is that not everyone can be saved, not everything is curable.

You are doing work that most of us cannot even fathom the complexity let alone the compassion required. I certainly cannot do what you guys do but I am certain that I am glad that you are there.

My wife is a pediatric anesthesiologist. She does end of life pain treatments for kids dying from cancer. She is without question one of the toughest human beings I know. When she comes home and has had a bad day, I don't ask what happened, I just hold her.

We need people like you in your prefession who feel. Keep feeling. It makes you a great doc. Sorry for your pain. I wish you were in North Texas so I could have you as my kids Doc.

If you don't have one, make a board with pics of all the babies and kids you have helped. Call up their parents every so often just to see how they are doing in life. The ones you took care of years ago are now thriving teeners that could care less about you but they are thriving because of you. It would be a nice pop in the arm to hear how they are doing.

My wife is an ICU nurse and she does get emotional about patients at times. Feel better knowing you gave the best care you could and continue doing what you do! I feel for you.

Now...as far as that being the sh****st job...I think that falls to the proctolgists.

Dan

Imagine working for these guys.

http://www.crimeclean-up.com/

My wife and I tried to have children for many, many years. We now have 3. Along the way we lost 8.

If it weren't for people like you, we wouldn't have the 3, or our sanity.

Thank you for all you do. I, for one, am so very, very grateful for the work you do.

Take a mental health day if you can - you've certainly earned it.

This was what happened with us at home as well. You would walk in the door and just look at the other one and they knew that someone at work had not made it and a good long hug helped.

Joe A

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

Funny, how this forum comes pretty early on the "spill my tears - list". I mean, I don´t know any of you. Go figure.

I believe we respect you as a doctor and what you do to help the world you live in each day. Most of us will never get to have an impact on others as you do. It's nice to see the human side of doctors/ police/ firefighters, even if it is just discussing a car. You are something I will never be nor do I think I could be. God Bless you, my friend.

Rule #1: People die.
Rule#2: Doctors cannot change Rule #1.

I hope that does not sound trite. I am with the folks who do not understand how you can do what you do. I've known for a very long time that people do not go to medical school to get rich. Law school maybe, but medical school and medical care is for those special people who love medicine. I'm barely comfortable working on a Porsche 911.

Of all the people in our society, the men and women of medicine (and the bartenders) have the greatest impact on the way we feel. But bartenders don't save lives, so you guys win, hands down. We hope you continue on, and we are grateful for your emotional sacrifices. We know they are HEAVY.

My pregnant daughter yesterday received the scary news that her screening test shows an increased likelihood of Spina Bifeta. We know nothing more than that until further tests are conducted. This is no fun, but it would surely be immeasurably worse without the information and the hope and care we are receiving from the medical community. They will do their best, but God is in charge here. Make no mistake about that.