Santa Resigns!

[rcecale]

By Maureen Dowd

No, Virginia. There is no Santa Claus. At least not as of 11:59 PM December 25th. For Santa Claus has resigned.



According to all accounts, Claus felt overwhelmed by a litany of personal and professional troubles, including stringent post-9/11 FAA flight regulations, an untenable naughty-to-nice ratio, a class-action reindeer lawsuit charging cruelty to animals and unfair labor practices, as well as the steadily worsening side effects from his usage of Cipro to ward off anthrax as he sorted through hundreds of thousands of letters. Worse, Pole observers stated that Claus had recently begun to doubt his own existence after seeing Hal Holbrook perform in an existential one-act play in Saginaw, Michigan.


Of course, to most adults, Claus's passing will be marked with a nostalgia and sadness tied in to their own loss of childhood innocence. But let's not fool ourselves into a false sense of regret.


For the past three decades, Claus has increasingly seemed like a dinosaur as he struggled through the motions of universal gift-giving. His archaic distribution system struck many as prejudiced and unfair, based as it was on religious belief. And even Christian believers were often shocked at the disparity between equally "nice" Christian children from disparate economic backgrounds. Indeed, judging by years of gift delivery statistics, no one could possibly dispute that Santa hated the blacks.
Fat-awareness groups weighed in as well, often charging Claus with perpetuating "fat-as-jolly" stereotypes, impinging on the right of the obese to be morose.
Even his relations with his longtime helpers, the elves, has been strained by Claus's fumbling attempts to change with the times.


In October, Santa "downsized" his workshop, firing thousands of elves, only to replace them mechanized die-molding presses and inexpensive, foreign-born elves. The laid-off magical creatures, many of whom had worked for Santa for their entire lives, find themselves in real trouble.

"I worked loyally for this company for 478 years," complained one Elf. "One day, a letter comes and - poof! - no more job. I'm not computer savvy enough, it says. No one wants dollies or baseball bats anymore, it says. Christ - I just learned about the Internet last week! Who's supposed to bring home the gumdrops and candy canes to my wife and child? I'm 700 years old. I can't just start over."


Photo: Jobless elves loot Santa's Workshop and set fire to North Pole. Jingles the Elf seen here murdering an innocent bystander.

And while I, Maureen Dowd, never doubted Claus's intentions, I can never forget how year after year, I would find Barbie Dolls or bake sets underneath the Christmas tree, even though I had specifically asked for a typewriter or a trench coat. Santa's slavish adherence to gender roles represented a symbol of white patriarchy that has long been discredited. More than anything, his choice of toys reminded me of what my father would have picked out for me - all pushing me towards the meaningless life of a home maker as opposed to that of the world's most influential liberal columnist.


According to Claus's publicist, "Santa is looking forward to some 'alone' time... He's been meaning to get away for a while now. Maybe get put some more focus into his second job as patron saint of Storm-Tossed Sailors."


Which is precisely where he should be. On the high seas in the company of men. May the wind always be at your back, you big lug. And may you stay the hell out of my apartment, or, so help me, I'm blowing my rape whistle and giving you a lung-full of mace.

Randy
(The Good Randy of the East)

[kaisen]

I heard the real reason was the legacy cost of retired elves and increased health care costs. Rumor is, it was costing Santa $133 per toy in benefits alone.

E

[M.D. Holloway]

he should have relocated his factories to China

[gaijindabe]

Poor Santa, now this:

Activist Judge Cancels Christmas
December 14, 2005 |

WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43438