Haynes Manual
 

Haynes Manuals: The truth revealed.


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise:
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammers anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering : > size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

Haynes: Index: Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do! For Added Haynes FunGo to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!? Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."

LOL!
-- moving to off-topic --
-Z.

[Note: This message has been edited by Z-man]

Too cute! Did you write that or has it been floating around for a while?

My favorite quirk of the Haynes manual is their feeling that things like window repair and antenna replacement "should only be attempted by a professional," yet entire engine rebuilds can be performed by anyone who knows how to use a screwdriver.


- Leigh

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Everybody in the world is bent.

man that ish is toooo funny!!!!!