My Dad Sold His House - Now it is Time To For Him to Move In?

M.D. Holloway · 03-12-2006, 07:03 PM

My Dad will close his house the end of April. The community he lives in is a retirement community and frankly he hates it. He is 83 and looks at lest 15 years younger. He has beed diagnosed with Macular Degeneration but aside from that he is in excellent shape. His eyes are bad but in 10 years will be. Great diet, exercises all the time, engages in limitless discussions on all sorts of topics. Funny thing, he was decorated WWII vet, 36 years with Naval Underwater Warfare, a strong republican conservative till the war began. He started listening to NPR now he is a coverted centrist. He makes a great case for his ideas and I love him for it.

He has talked about moving into an apartment. The one he had when he had to make the painful decision of putting my Mom in an extended care facility. He liked it because there was activity in the form of young people. He really doesn't like the company of his contempories - says they have all give'n up and are waiting to die.

I have talked to him about moving in with us. He really dosen't want to impose. I turned him on to the concept of how he would be a great influence on my two kids and really be able to help me out if he did. This seemed to really help the cause.

He is mostly concerned about his stuff. I assured him we could figuer it out, purge the lesser important stuff, bring the valuables with.

Also gave the option of having him visit my Brothers - my older Brother (54) is now retired, has a place in CT and on Cocoa Beach FLA where he and his wife will spend half the year - mostly during the winter months. Bro has agreed.

He doesn't want to impose but I also know he would really like to do it but is rather unable to make the complete commitment. So, what do you think it will take to turn him over 100% to move in with us? Or at least 50%?

RoninLB · 03-12-2006, 07:11 PM

I speculate that he'll need complete privacy of his own apt or a separated part of the house.. meaning you have to go outside and bang on his door or talk to an answering machine. The last thing he needs is to be eventually grouped with kids that need to be taken care of.

TimT · 03-12-2006, 07:14 PM

Quote:

I speculate that he'll need complete privacy of his own apt or a separated part of the house..

Word

you may have to do some remodeling, but a seprate entrance for him, some way to let him know he still has his own space, that he is not a tenant in your place.

M.D. Holloway · 03-12-2006, 07:18 PM

He is a guy that really hates being alone. I have a bedroom & bath for him. The media room has a widescreen and is near his potential room. The kids don't go in that part of the house so he will have some space. Also, we can lay down some rules concerning GrandPa's privacy. We have actually begun "closed door" privacy since the Cleaning Sunday Incident of 06.

SLO-BOB · 12:36 PM

edit

BlueSkyJaunte · 03-13-2006, 05:36 AM

I think it's great that you have the sort of relationship with your parents that you can even consider this. Some of us aren't so lucky.

That said, how on earth did your brother manage to retire at 54??!!!

legion · 03-13-2006, 05:54 AM

My father and I had what I would describe as a contentious relationship. It was in some ways more like I was the parent (at 27) and my dad was more like the child (at 52). He had finally settled down to the point that we had our first discussion on moving him back to Illinois. (Living in the same house was still out of the question.) He died three days later.

I think it's great that you have such a good relationship with your father. I also think it speaks volumes of the man that he is concerned about "imposing". (My father had no such hangups--in fact, he wanted to move in with me so that I would absorb the costs of his lifestyle.)

alf · 03-13-2006, 07:29 AM

My mom is in her mid 70s, refuses to retire and move in with her kids. She has a standing offer to do so from all 3 of her children.

She owns and runs 2 successful restaurants in the Seattle area, lives by herself in a condo on the lake and cruises around in a convertible. She looks 20 years younger than she really is and acts like she is in her 40s.

I guess we will cramp her style

I say, let him choose what he wants, give support and let him know that you will be there when he needs it.

alf

M.D. Holloway · 03-13-2006, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BlueSkyJaunte
I think it's great that you have the sort of relationship with your parents that you can even consider this. Some of us aren't so lucky.

That said, how on earth did your brother manage to retire at 54??!!!

I have come to the painful conclusion over the past few years that I respect my Father more than any man I have ever met. It is painful because it took me 40 years to relize that. I wish I came to that relization sooner but I guess now is better than never.

As for my Brother being able to retire so soon; two reasons:
1) two incomes, invested one
2) no kids

tabs · 03-13-2006, 03:19 PM

A friend of mines MIL spends 6 months with her son In Miss. and 6 months in CA with her daughter....

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Mike,
We had my grandfather (Stan) move in with us full-time just before Christmas. Prior to that we took care of him at his house (not far from us) as he couldn't cook for himself or drive. As he passed from us on 2/24, We wish we had more time with him, but the time he spent with us was the happiest, most fulfilling experience we could have had. Make him a "part" of the family and see how things go, take it slow and make him comfortable and let him know he can be open and share his opinions with you. We were blessed with my grandfather and were glad to be there at the end and I think you'd experience the same things we did! Carry on!!!

livi · 03-15-2006, 02:58 AM

What is your question here ?

How you can persuade your father to move in with you and your family ?

First of all, I presume not only you but the whole family is in favor of such arrangement ?

Secondly, the ONLY thing you (and rest of family) can express is your love and true wishes that you REALLY want him to stay with you. Not only for his sake, but for yours.

Naturally, he will feel imposing. He would hate the feeling of your family putting up a nice face if he senses a resistance underneath. He needs to be absolutely certain you do it as much for yourselves as for him.

But you have stated all that already so this didn´t help..

Edit: Sorry for the pseudo psychology ranting - I am a Pediatrician for God sake - what do I know..

cool_chick · 03-15-2006, 04:58 AM

I'm currently working on bringing my mother back to me. Since my father passed, I've taken care of her, first in her house, then we sold it and moved into a house I purchased, until 2 1/2 years ago when I went through a divorce, moved closer to work, and she went to live with my sister. Screw that, I'm much better for my mom than my sister is, and she's coming back to me May 1.

Anyway, the stuff you talk about. Remember, he lived through the great depression when they didn't have much, and is older, all he has is memories left, this stuff is his "accomplishments", and it will be extremely difficult for him to give it up. Trust me, I'm a minimalist and I've been through it many times with my mom. My mom used to do crafts, and had boxes and boxes of baskets that she wanted to do "crafty" stuff with someday. We eventually got her to give many up, and we sneaked out some others...they were worth nothing....but it was hard for her to give up that hope that someday she'll be able to do crafty stuff with them again. They're gone now, and she doesn't care anymore. In fact, she laughs about it now.

My advice to you......don't fight him, you want him there, that's what is important, stuff is but a small trivial issue. See what you can weed out now, but don't get too upset if it doesn't work like you want it to. Put his mind at ease and get a storage unit if you have to. Later on, you guys can make visits to the storage unit here and there and weed out the stuff little by little. They can let go slowly, but it's pretty difficult to let go all at once. You're talking about memories, and loss of functionality (for example, your dad may not want to give up a tool even though you all know full well he no longer has the strength to use it) and it takes time.......

Bless you Lube, you won't regret it......and I myself can't wait until May 1.

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

cool_chick,

That's very cool, you mother will be very happy!

Rikao4 · 03-15-2006, 06:47 AM

Somewhat the same for me.Mom in her 70's just moved down here.She lives about 500 feet from me/own house and all. We are both learning, me, not used to checking in and all those dinners she just cooked.She did so much for me and Sis..single mom, of the boat,couple of suitcases..and became successful. She has her ways and moments..and when I feel stressed..I think of the time to come when I wish she was around to stress me but she no longer is...glad she's here.
Rika

cool_chick · 05:11 PM

Awww, thank you azasadny. Actually I will be very happy too.

It's so worth it, isn't it? I remember the stories of your grandfather here and that picture.....I would've loved to meet him. They are the most interesting to talk to with their vast experiences.....

And yes Rikao, that is quite an adjustment. My mom "worries" over me too. I look at it this way, we all have responsibilities for things, children, spouses, our careers, etc. People who need us. Once you pass that hump, everythings taken care of...your kids are grown with families of their own, you no longer have a job with colleagues who need you.....and this gives them a sense of purpose. If they weren't around to make sure you're ok or to cook for you and to make sure you grabbed your keys or whatever, what would happen if you forgot those keys or you didn't eat? LOL. Their purpose is to make sure their loved ones have everything they need, are happy and are doing ok.....as frustrating as it feels sometimes (damnit mom, I am an adult you know....), try to remember this benefits them more than you may realize.

God bless them.

cool_chick · 03-15-2006, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by azasadny
Mike,
We had my grandfather (Stan) move in with us full-time just before Christmas. Prior to that we took care of him at his house (not far from us) as he couldn't cook for himself or drive. As he passed from us on 2/24, We wish we had more time with him, but the time he spent with us was the happiest, most fulfilling experience we could have had. Make him a "part" of the family and see how things go, take it slow and make him comfortable and let him know he can be open and share his opinions with you. We were blessed with my grandfather and were glad to be there at the end and I think you'd experience the same things we did! Carry on!!!

Good advice. The one thing I made clear to my mom is that my place is her place. I never made her feel that it was *my* place, nor did my ex. That has to be the worst feeling for a parent living with a kid. Decisions were made to include her.

M.D. Holloway · 03-15-2006, 07:13 PM

CC - - save your politic you are a really good person. I like you. Thanks.

Rikao4 · 03-16-2006, 05:52 AM

agree with Lube, according to Mom, CC just needs a good home cooked meal.
Rika