Anyone deal with Dementia or Alzhiemers?

VINMAN · 03-29-2006, 07:52 AM

My dad suffers with dementia, not horribly but bad enough to make him constantly forget things. Not know where he is, stuff like that. I'm going crazy with my parents.
Ayone here have a parent or family member with Dementia or Alzhiemers?

RickM · RickM's Garage

Vin, I feel for you. I've known a few people that have dealt with the same situation.

Recently my next door neighbor passed on suffering from one (or both) of these conditions for many years......she was 98! Critical to dealing with the condition is either devoted family support (not easy) or the money to hire 24 hour/live-in care.

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

i have an ex whose mother had alzheimers. i used to regularly drive her to a specialist on miami beach when i lived in miami. sometimes she was fine..other times she would walk out of the house saying that she was going to 'walk back to cuba'. she'd go a block or two and then we'd go pick her up. by then she'd already forgotten where she was going or why. scary thing is sometimes i'd take her for a walk and she'd think we 'were on a date'. she'd smile at me and sometimes try to kiss me..lol. she was very sweet most of the time..only rarely saw her act violently, as many report. she smiled most of the time and called me her 'americano' (my ex was cuban). on the other hand, my dad is starting to get fairly forgetful at age 65 now, but i wouldn't call it dementia just yet..
ryan

singpilot · 03-29-2006, 08:22 AM

Vin;

My Dad passed several years ago after a late diagnosis of Alzheimers. I always tell people that he actualy died several years prior, the shell that remained was not really him. Enjoy him now while you can, it may get ugly later on. You've probably already seen that there are good days and bad days. Make sure you tell whoever is caring for him to call you on the good days, you can actually connect on those days and make all of those things you have always wanted to share happen. All too soon even that will be impossible.

There are many websites that will describe what you are in for, and the degrees of the progression. Do all you can while you can. Even knowing all of this, I wish I had spent more time early on.

Good Luck.

Michael.

VINMAN · 03-29-2006, 08:39 AM

The biggest problem is not with my dad, i'ts mainly my mother. She constanly screams and yells at the poor guy when he does something wrong, or forgets things. He's not in the best health, has been in and out of the hospital. Me and my sister constantly yell at her to leave him alone, but to no avail. I realize it's tough on her but she has to let up.
It breaks my heart when I visit them and shes getting on his case.
He had a major stroke about 8 yrs ago, so that was the start of it. Recently the past few months hes getting worse. They still live in NYC where I work, so I get over there as much as I can. But I'm really losing patience with my mother and dont know what to do. I'd take my dad to live with me but I'm never home.

bigchillcar · bigchillcar's Garage

vinny,
soundslike your mom needs information. have you tried getting her any pamphlets that begin to explain the condition? it's true that it probably taxes her patience..if she's not a patient person, she may not be the best person to have taking care of him. any chance of other family taking him in? i know this probably sounds extreme, but doesn't sound like mom's too open to changing her way of dealing with his problem..
ryan

BlueSkyJaunte · 03-29-2006, 08:44 AM

My father's mother is in a 24-hr care facility. She has to be kept doped to the eyebrows otherwise she tries to slap, scratch, and spit on her caregivers, accusing them of "trying to steal her money" and of being "Nazis". She's wheelchair-bound and has to be fed through a stomach tube because she refuses to eat (FWIW she and her immediate family got out of Berlin before the Nazi stuff started getting bad...).

Thing is that she went from "normal" (she was never a very "together" person...plus generally pretty abusive and mean) to this state after falling and breaking her hip. It was like hitting a switch. After the surgery she just sort of spiralled into her current state and has remained that way for the past 2 years.

It's really tough visiting her and this has been really hard on my father.

Jims5543 · 03-29-2006, 08:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by singpilot
Vin;

My Dad passed several years ago after a late diagnosis of Alzheimers. I always tell people that he actualy died several years prior, the shell that remained was not really him. Enjoy him now while you can, it may get ugly later on. You've probably already seen that there are good days and bad days. Make sure you tell whoever is caring for him to call you on the good days, you can actually connect on those days and make all of those things you have always wanted to share happen. All too soon even that will be impossible.

My Grandmother too. It was sad. My grandfather tried to hide it from us. After a while she became unmanagable. She would break out of the house at 2 in the morning to go get the kids from the bus stop.

We convinced him to put her in a care facility. Once she was there he was heartbroken and lonely. But would not move in with any of us and would not travel to see us. He would go to the care facility every day to see her.

He was in perfect health before my grandmother was sent to the care facility. 100 push ups and sit ups every day. Still fit into his WWII uniform. He shut down after she left and died first. It broke my heart. My grandmother was just a shell of a person she used to be. Never recognized anyone. Even forgot about seasons. She would yell at the care facility staff for not watering the tree and the leaves falling off come winter time.

I wanted to visit her in the facility and my mom told me not to. She said to just remember her when she was well and leave it at that.

She passed away 2 years ago. All I can say is cherish every moment like Mike said.

singpilot · 03-29-2006, 09:44 AM

Vin;

Forgot to mention the spouse part. My Mom was mad at him for getting into this 'fix'. She was mad because she felt he had robbed her of more time with him, and the almost constant care (un-rewarded in her view) that he required. Once we got him into a full time care facility (that specialized in AZ care), she started lightening up, and becoming Mom again. She was just overwhelmed. Exactly the same as your Mom. She needs as much help as he does. Get her a break (even forced)somehow, a day spa with him being babysat by one of you for the night.

You'd be amazed. Let her know you are aware what she is going thru, and that she is not going to have to go thru it alone.

M.

VINMAN · 03-29-2006, 11:13 AM

Mike, we have a home health aide that comes over everyday full time. Thats a huge help. She does get out alot. but she puts a lot of unnecessary burden on herself. One of the things too, is that my brother died of cancer 3 yrs ago, so she is very angry and pissed off at the world. I understand her grief, but it shouldnt be directed at my dad who has little control over his mind anymore.
He even admits it that half the time he has no clue whats goin on around him. I laugh and tell him "you know, sometimes your better off not knowing". that always cracks him up!
Ryan, she goes to counseling and support groups, but to tell you the truth . I think they do more harm than good. He's been losing his mind since his stroke yrs back, so this isnt something that just popped up on us.

Scooter · 03:26 PM

Vin,

Been there...done that.

I also work in this area and see it every day. Call the Alzheimer's Association or go to http://www.alz.org now. These people can be a great help for your dad and a great support group for the family.

It is very hard to acknowledge the problem and to make the decisions necessary for the apporpriate care/environment. I always fear for the spouse, because they are very hessitant to disclose abuse they are receiving from the incapacitated person.

My thoughts go out to you and your family. Please contact the Alzheimer's Association at your earliest convenience, you will be happy you did.

Don Ro · 03-29-2006, 06:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by singpilot
Vin;

Forgot to mention the spouse part. My Mom was mad at him for getting into this 'fix'. She was mad because she felt he had robbed her of more time with him, and the almost constant care (un-rewarded in her view) that he required. Once we got him into a full time care facility (that specialized in AZ care), she started lightening up, and becoming Mom again. She was just overwhelmed. Exactly the same as your Mom. She needs as much help as he does. Get her a break (even forced)somehow, a day spa with him being babysat by one of you for the night.

You'd be amazed. Let her know you are aware what she is going thru, and that she is not going to have to go thru it alone.

M.

Excellent.
The negative side effects for the caregivers, "Caregiver dementia" I believe it's called.
'Can take a big toll on those close to the afflicted one...often giving rise to abuse by the caregiver.
Understandable.
.
Sorry, VINMAN. Good luck.