Tough ultimatum from spouse

[livi]

Since we all seem to share each others troubled lives - here is mine.

My current spouse since the last six years have recently presented me with the following options: Marry me or leave me.

I have dodged her matrimonial cravings for a couple of years now, but this time she is dead serious. My reasons for not do it are multiple. I have been married before. Did not work out. My current spouse is an extremely hard headed woman. What ever ideas she gets in her head she does not hesitate to use the most cruel methods. Threatening with this and that to make me obey. The marriage is kind my last stance. She is also that kind of woman that regards my time, resources and money as hers - for her to dispose with as she sees fit. Disregarding my views and wishes. She also disregard my three kids from my former marriage. Disliking me spending time or money on them.

Problem is, besides the fact that I for some reason still have feelings for her, that we have a one year old daughter. She claims that if I chose to leave she will make everything she can in order to make it difficult for me to see my daughter. She also promises to make my life a living hell generally.

I at the end of my rope here. I feel like a puppet. She constantly crash down on my self esteem, especially as a father. If I leave she will regard it as me choosing to leave my daughter not willing to take care of her. This is also what she will tell all our friends and our daughter when she grows up. She claims I am hurting our daughter for not marrying her mother. I claim all she need is love and friendly minded parents. Married or not.

I just want to stay with them trying to make it work in a non married status. This is no option however. Its do or die.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for the long post.

[stomachmonkey]

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

The woman that you have just described will make you an anger bitter little old man.

You love your daughter and you will fight like hell to stay in her life as much as possible.

I'd pack her bags.

Best of luck, this is a very difficult time for you. I hope it works out.

Scott

[livi]

Thanks Scott,

I am very much leaning toward that choice. However, dreading her vengeance. The sky is her limit when it comes to finding out horrible actions in order to make me suffer.

[rcecale]

I don't know the laws there in Sweden, but if not being able to see your daughter is the main reason you're considering staying together, perhaps you could look into turning the tables on her and gain custody of your daughter yourself.

Just a thought.

Randy

[livi]

Thanks, I thought of that too Randy. I will most certainly take a thorough look at the legal aspects of this situation.

[wcc]

DUMP HER!!! It is going to be one helluva fight to keep your daughter so be ready for that. I don't know how your laws are over there, but I would think you wouldn't get less than shared custody. Another plus of dumping her would be getting your other three kids back in your life when you get rid of her.

[widgeon13]

Sounds as though you are presently in a situation/relationship you have little or no control over. Better to let this come to closure and address the consequences and then get on with your life and try to find someone who wil make you happy. You don't sounds too pleased with the current relationship and doesn't seem that it has any potential for improvement even if you marry her. You'd be going from bad to worse.

[cool_chick]

I agree with the above...

One word that comes to mind....vin-dict-ive

shudders........God, I hate those kinds of people....

I suspect this is hard for you, it's hard for me to do too, but become a "plotter" if you will. Start planning on how you're going to get full custody of that child. Hang out until you have enough ammo to legally do so. Because honestly, these kinds of people aren't the best parents anyway. They put themselves and their selfishness before their children (the child becomes the pawn in her games).

Work to get that baby and get out. Good luck livi. And remember, not all women are like that.

[RoninLB]

she controls you by making you tense and scattered. When you may be feeling strong with a clear head she probably dreams up some drama to get you back to being tense. She may be discussing her plans on how to deal with you at her hairdresser. They all discuss plans on how they're ready to divorce, control, and wreck their lovers with each other there over a year in advance. Ask any hairdresser to confirm that. Send in a spy with a tape recorder and you may have evidence that will sink her in court.

You're dead meat being human with this one. She's on a mission and you're the target.

"The woman that you have just described will make you an anger bitter little old man."
---------- Words of wisdom imo.
Use a shrink or an assortment of male and female friends to bounce the situation off of to keep a clear head. Female friends are important as they think differently in war.

As a last resort pay someone to seduce her and tape the whole thing. It'll be cheap compared to allowing her to destroying your life.

[cool_chick]

RE: Use a shrink or an assortment of male and female friends to bounce the situation off of to keep a clear head. Female friends are important as they think differently in war.


One thought I have on this....loose lips sink ships. I see Ronin's point, but one thing I've learned is if you don't want it to "get around", don't flap those lips. I'm concerned about it getting back to Miss Vin-dict-ive. Unless these friends don't know her at all, then you're ok.

[livi]

Thank you all for your replies. She (or the whole relationship) has turned me into a person I don´t recognize. Feels like I have no back bone left. She has turned me into jelly in her hands. Amazing how fast you guys read between the lines of my erratic post - pin pointing the exact situation.

And yes, I fear by now I have developed a rather unsound view on women as a group. Will have to work on that part (as well as my islamophobia).

[cool_chick]

You're not jelly, you're fearful of what she'll do to you. It's easier (or more peaceful?) to say "screw it" let her have her way rather than spend your life in confrontation. She has demonstrated she can go as low as she can get, and maybe you're just not like that. It's uneven headgames playing ground. She belongs with someone vindictive and mean spirited like her.

Livi, some men are like that too. It's a thing of "some people" are like that. It stems from insecurity on her (and their) part. Take the time to view her in that light and you will recognize it for what it is.

As the saying goes, don't get mad, get even. Tho this isn't a game, the "get even" part pertains to focusing on the all-important goal....get your child and get out. Change direction in your mind to attain this goal. Striving for this goal will empower you and will result in a better life for you and your child.

You need to see a lawyer to see what you can do to arrive at this destination.

[RoninLB]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[livi]

Ronin, that story is now translated, printed and nailed to the wall in my office. Very insightful.

[masraum]

Damn! It's time to go. Run away, kick her to the curb. If she has a problem with you spending time or money on your kids tell her it's time to go. Or you could just tell your kids that maybe someday you'll see them again, but for now it's goodbye.

Nope, this one needs to hit the curb.

[RoninLB]

Originally posted by livi


Ronin, that story is now translated, printed and nailed to the wall in my office. Very insightful.

[livi]

Everybody seems to be in total agreement. Thats what I was afraid of. I need to step up and tell her face to face. She´s gonna get medieval on my a$$.

Right. I need a Kevlar vest, a helmet, my short track shoes and some kind of bug spray. And a carefully planned escape route.

This is seriously good support. Thanks.

[cool_chick]

Originally posted by livi
Everybody seems to be in total agreement. Thats what I was afraid of. I need to step up and tell her face to face. She´s gonna get medieval on my a$$.

Right. I need a Kevlar vest, a helmet, my short track shoes and some kind of bug spray. And a carefully planned escape route.

This is seriously good support. Thanks.

no no no no no

she's vindictive. you can't do that. she will hurt you.

get your ducks in a row first.



edit, I missed your last sentence.

yes yes yes.

[wcc]

Before you tell her talk to a lawyer. You may have some things you can do legally without her knowing every step of the way. Just keep quiet until the right time and you'll have all your ducks in a row and she'll know you're not kidding or try to talk you out of it. In the mean time only tell those on a need to know basis.

Good Luck!

[RoninLB]

Originally posted by cool_chick

no no no no no

she's vindictive. you can't do that. she will hurt you.

get your ducks in a row first.

ditto