Corporate/business expressions you hate?
 

Anyone have certain expressions/phrases they encounter that just either irritate the hell out of them or make 'em laugh at the utter stupidity/absurdity of them?

I just overheard one of our do-nothing middle-managers asking someone on the phone "what's the status of _____?" I personally can't stand this phrase. It seems like it's increasing in popularity too and it typically used by insecure managers to ask (essentially):

"Are you done with that? I promised it to so-and-so and since I've been busy wacking off in the john all day, I haven't been able to check for myself, much less do any work on it myself. Since when I made that promise to so-and-so I wasn't really sure I could keep it, but I made it anyway, so now I'm worried. More accurately I wasn't sure YOU could keep it since I dumped it on you anyway. Either I don't trust you or I have no idea what your capabilities are and that you meant 'I'll have it done by tomorrow' when you said 'I'll have it done by tomorrow'. I know it's my job to know these things as a manager, but I'm just not sure. I'm so worried. I need to make sure I won't get in trouble for missing the arbitrary deadline I committed (you) to and can count on keeping my cushy, high-paying job and my ensure my pipes remain clean through my regular and lengthy wack-off sessions. So I'm harassing you and wasting your time demanding this 'status' update since that'll SOMEHOW make things go faster than letting you have the time to actually accomplish the job".

Another one I absolutely can't effin' stand (but makes me laugh at its stupidity) is "we need to think outside the box". Christ. If you mean to say, "we need creative solutions", just say, "we need creative solutions". Don't resort to some tired cliche. Here's a news flash - a cliche is (by definition) something that's distinctly "inside the box". It represents the antithesis of creativity in its choice of expression. Way to lead by example there! Let's keep those great examples workin'!

So who else has some good ones that are either annoying or funny?

Your not thinking outside the box!!!!!

"At the end of the day"

Got to be the worst. I have to keep myself from laughing when I hear people say that.

Time for a game of BullShit Bingo
http://www.bullshitbingo.net/cards/bullshit/

BS Bingo (aka Buzzword Bingo) is one of my favorites...

Oh man, Thom beat me to it. One of my favorite office games for all the inane meetings I must attend.

"We need to put our heads together on this one." which translates to "I'm the highest level employee in this group so I will take ALL credit for the solution." Which leads me to my favorite.."Never run 'on the clock' and never take a ***** 'off the clock'."

I actually have a copy of that hanging on my wall - next to the Cayman-S poster. :)

we're going to become more PROACTIVE! and my reply............."WHATS THIS "WE" SH!@!?"


PROACTIVE THIS!

"Offline" as in "we'll address that offline". What it really means is "I don't know the answer but I want to make it sound so complicated we can't discuss it here." More often than not my "offline" meetings are cancelled because the answer ends up being a single sentence.

I actually overheard someone at work say: "I'm trying to add value, but I keep getting pushback."

"You need to add alpha to the department."

Ugh...

Thom, that's hilarious. Bull****! :D

I like all the faux verbs like "prioritize" and "diarize".

"let's take this offline so we can circle back with the core stakeholders and ensure that at the end of the day we are all on the same page."

I hear this crap day in and day out...

A new one I've noticed at work in the last few months:

"Socialize"

Example: We need to "socialize" our plans with other departments.

Translation: Send the PowerPoint presentation to the director, and cc at least 30 people

we need to be proactive in our paradigms

we're pioneering this work

i got your synergy right here...

latest one around here is "business decision" It's the catch phrase for all decisions that the manager wants to sound important.

"The customer is always right."

"Going forward" makes me want to strangle the user.

Branding - branding is something you do to livestock.

Going forward we need to brand ourselves as showing value added. STFU.

Going forward - as opposed to what? going sideways? backwards?

"You're fired."

Yep... that's the one I hate right there.