Pilot/Airplane Humor

[KevinP73]

Bad Humor
Airline Banter



The following are some real examples of airline banter that have been heard or reported by passengers or air crew members.



1. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan National Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"



2. Heard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendent said, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarilla. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



3. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercome, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and, after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercome and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was taling to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in the back yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Porsche-O-Phile]

A few years back on a cross-country flight, the captain engaged in his usual "post-climb-out" passenger briefing (where he tells you about the cruising altitude, ETE, etc.). Evidently he left the microphone on "cabin" mode instead of switching back to "crew only" mode as he then let out a long sigh and said (thinking he was only talking to his first officer), "well, all I need now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob. . ."

A flight attendant was observed bolting to the front of the airplane, probably to inform the captain that his microphone was still on.

An even quicker passenger stood up and called out after the sprighty flight attendant, "don't forget the coffee".

[gprsh924]

Originally posted by Porsche-O-Phile
"don't forget the coffee".

ahhahaha, priceless

[pwd72s]

I just did a cut n' paste on the last one. Sent it to a recently retired airline pilot buddy...asked if it was him.

[HardDrive]

I was in a puddle jumper going from Milwaukee to Chicago (yes, all 15 minutes of flying time....). The pilots lands the plane really hard in ORD. The co-pilot comes on, "Welcome to chicago ladies and gents, I hope you enjoyed your pilots.....ummmmm......I guess we can call that a landing....".

Another puddle jumper flight. We are still sitting at the gate get ready to push off. Cockpit doors open. The single flight attendant on board says, "The captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign.". The captain imediately comes on the intercom, "I did? Huh? (long pause, seat belt light comes on) What do you know? I did!"

[Sonic dB]

I was on a late night flight from LA to Det. last fall on Continental. The flight attendant who read the safety instructions before the flight, and also gave instructions during the flight was this tall platinum-grey-blonde in her mid 40s.

She was absolutely hallarious, thowing one liner after one liner into the stock safety announcement such as:

"In case of a crash landing over water, place your life vest on, put your head between your legs and kiss your rear end goodbye"

and "If you are a smoker, please refrain from smoking on the plane. If you do decide to smoke on the plane, you will be asked to leave the plane in mid-air." Then she goes "If you must insist on smoking, you can join me in the airport smoking lounge for a smoke when we land"

She had everyone rolling with her one liners...

[Porsche-O-Phile]

One of the students at the flight school I used to teach at (not one of mine, I'm happy to say) loved to f*ck with the air traffic controllers on the radio for whatever twisted reason (not recommended - those guys are great and will bend over backwards to help you out as a pilot, not to mention they get enough stress in their jobs as-is without having to deal with comedians on the VHF band, but I digress. . .)

Anyway I remember hearing a conversation similar to the following:

Student: "Tower, Cessna 1234A 10 miles to the south" (normally you also include "for landing" or "requesting transition northbound" or whatever as part of your initial call-up so they know what you're asking for)

ATC: "Cessna 1234A, say intentions"

Student: (trying to be funny) "Intentions"

ATC: (unamused) "Cessna 1234A will you be landing at Santa Monica Airport?"

Student: "Affirmative inbound for landing"

ATC: "Cessna 1234A, say again position" (10 miles south of SMO is likely in LAX airspace depending on altitude, a big no-no around here without explicit approval from Los Angeles ATC)

Student: (trying again to be funny) "Again position"

ATC: (sounding a bit exasperated) "CESSNA 1234A - WHAT IS YOUR POSITION?"

Student: "10 miles south of the airport"

ATC: "Have you been issued a squawk code by SoCal Approach?" (evidently upon checking with Los Angeles ATC, the Santa Monica tower controller was told that L.A. wasn't talking to anyone 10 miles south of SMO)

Student: "Negative"

ATC: "Cessna 1234A, say altitude" (he's trying to confirm whether Cessna 1234A is the airplane that evidently has been causing L.A. approach some consternation by flying near the approach paths)

Student: (definitely not helping his situation with this one) "Altitude".

ATC: "Cessna 1234A, squawk ident" (ident is a feature that makes your "blip" on their radar screen light up, making a positive identification of an aircraft with position or altitude in question)

Student "roger"

ATC: "Cessna 1234A, I show you at 3,000 feet - that is Los Angeles Class Bravo airspace - recommend you descend IMMEDIATELY and turn south and contact SoCal Approach on frequency XXX.XX"



Long story short, if you're gonna' crack jokes on the radio, don't be violating federal regulations when you do. Normally ATC will "work with you" even if you're doing something you shouldn't be doing (the controllers don't like paperwork) but in a situation like that where the "comedian" student pissed off the controller and was so FLAGRANTLY breaking airspace regulations, he sure made things worse for himself.

Like I said, I'm glad it wasn't one of mine. . .

[KevinP73]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."


Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"


When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"


"Yes," said the flight attendant, "and so is the co-captain. In fact, the entire crew is female."


"My God!" said Ed. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."


"That's another thing, sir," said the flight attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit ... Now, it's called the box office."

[Nostril Cheese]

I was on a 737 into Sacramento, CA. We landed DAMN hard.

Captain get on the intercom "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just attacked Sacramento. Enjoy your stay, thank you for flying Southwest"

[IROC]

On a recent flight as we were getting ready to "deplane" the flight attendant made the usual "please check the overheads and seatbacks for personal items, etc" as she went on to say that anything left behind "would be sold on ebay".

Mike

[Flatbutt1]

sitting inthe Heathrow lounge awaiting my flight to Newark. The announcement goes" Ladies and Gentlemen flight BAXXX to Newark will be slightly delayed. We seem to have misplaced our pilot"

About 30 minutes later"Ladies and Gentlemen flight BAXXX to Newark will begin boarding in approx 20 minutes, we've located a substitute pilot for you"

Once on board and doors closed the pilot comes on the PA"Ladies and Gentlemen this is your substitute pilot...I just wanted to assure that I do really know how to fly this aircraft".

guess you had to be there

[TheMentat]

When giving the safety rundown:

"If you have a small child with you, please secure the oxygen on yourself befrore assisting them. If you are travelling with more than one child, you may want to decide now which one you love more."

[dagriff]

From another site

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."


Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

[Jims5543]

Originally posted by dagriff
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Thanks for the good laugh.

[legion]

Anyone seen the MS Flight Simulator commercial?

[nostatic]

Southwest is by far the funniest airline. I've laughed out loud at some of the safety dog-and-ponies. And I remember one flight back in '95 from OAK to BUR. There were about 7 passengers on the 737. The cabin crew spent almost all of the flight on the PA cracking jokes and telling stories.

[EMBPilot]

The airplanes have log books where maintenance items are tracked. the pilots write up the discrepancy and the mechanics are required to address the issue written in the response next to the write up...
(P) stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log,
(S) stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: There is no autoland installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!


P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.


P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.


P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

[Joeaksa]

Originally posted by Nostril Cheese
I was on a 737 into Sacramento, CA. We landed DAMN hard.

Captain get on the intercom "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just attacked Sacramento. Enjoy your stay, thank you for flying Southwest"

Was on a ferry flight (no pax, just us crew) a couple of years ago and weather was terrible. Flew through bad weather, ice and a strong crosswind and finally landed, and it was not smooth. We were all just happy to be on the ground and now able to head to the hotel and get some much needed rest.

Flight attendent came forward as we turned off the runway and said "Captain, that was a pretty rough one." When I turned around she was standing in the door with her panties around her ankles and a big smile on her face.

We all laughed then I asked "how hard do I have to land to get the skirt to fall down as well" and it went downhill from there.

We try to have a good time while flying...

[kach22i]

Harrier pilot buzzes this guy good.

http://www.fazed.org/video/?id=487

[Jims5543]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfkXUOPjJ98