Celebrated 2 year anniversary yesterday

[rammstein]

I am suprised that people 'congratulate' me on this. Is marriage truly a struggle for almost everybody? Am I too soon to realize its pitfalls? Am I oblivious?

So apparently I have stumbled on a formula to help other men. Here is my list of 10 steps to success (seriously, no green for sarcasm here):

1) Date a girl for a REALLY long time before marriage. There's a lot of stuff that shakes down 2-4 years in. You want to know this stuff before being legally bound.
2) Don't marry a chick who you have to 'woo'. She should woo you. She should be into you without you trying.
3) Marry a chick smarter than you. That way, she can do your work for you, and you don't have to have someone around you don't respect.
4) Girls are all weird. I don't mean insane- the insane ones should be disposed of quickly. By weird, I mean they talk about problems for the sake of talking about them, not to solve them. Realize this, and just say 'that sucks, you deserve better- lets watch tv together' and you will be ok.
5) Marry a girl YOU think is hot.
6) Take your prospective wife to a track day. She should tell you how cool your car is and how good your line looked. My nerd wife sat through a drivers' meeting, and exclamed 'so you go around the track making tangents'.
7) Make your around the house job cleaning the bathroom. This way, you only need to do stuff every 2 weeks or so. Improvise with chemicals and maybe even a power-sander for the tub. Its not too bad, and you avoid getting in trouble for your dishes/underpants/assorted car parts on the floor.
8) Be totally broke when she meets you, with no prospects. If she doesn't run, at least thats out of the way.
9) Only consider marrying a girl who is well grounded. She should be calm and have less problems than you. This is where the long-term dating comes into play. No psycho can keep it together for 4 years, so just sit back and wait.
10) Be on the same page in terms of career timelines, # of kids if any, when to create those kids, and how to raise those kids.

I am fairly certain that if you don't deviate from ANY of these, you'll be all good.

[legion]

Pretty much what I did, though we did date for 6 years.

[dtw]

Agreed 100% and did pretty much all the above.

[Jim Richards]

married within 6 months of meeting, married for ~30 years, so far.

[rammstein]

So besides rule #1 Jim, did you have everything else?

[Rikao4]

Congrats then,
26 years ..I know I lucked out !
Rika

[Jim Richards]

#10 was critical (reduces a lot of fighting). Most were right on target, though #6 was irrelevant to her, #7 was handled by doing a lot of other things (you know, man things!) around the house, spent a LOT of time with the raising of our son. Regarding #8, she saw that I was doing OK, but told me that she absolutely expected me to get at least a Masters Degree (she was in the Masters program then). Done. And we both really like eachother. She's still one of the nicest people that I've ever known.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Originally posted by rammstein
I am suprised that people 'congratulate' me on this. Is marriage truly a struggle for almost everybody? Am I too soon to realize its pitfalls? Am I oblivious?

So apparently I have stumbled on a formula to help other men. Here is my list of 10 steps to success (seriously, no green for sarcasm here):

1) Date a girl for a REALLY long time before marriage. There's a lot of stuff that shakes down 2-4 years in. You want to know this stuff before being legally bound.
2) Don't marry a chick who you have to 'woo'. She should woo you. She should be into you without you trying.
3) Marry a chick smarter than you. That way, she can do your work for you, and you don't have to have someone around you don't respect.
4) Girls are all weird. I don't mean insane- the insane ones should be disposed of quickly. By weird, I mean they talk about problems for the sake of talking about them, not to solve them. Realize this, and just say 'that sucks, you deserve better- lets watch tv together' and you will be ok.
5) Marry a girl YOU think is hot.
6) Take your prospective wife to a track day. She should tell you how cool your car is and how good your line looked. My nerd wife sat through a drivers' meeting, and exclamed 'so you go around the track making tangents'.
7) Make your around the house job cleaning the bathroom. This way, you only need to do stuff every 2 weeks or so. Improvise with chemicals and maybe even a power-sander for the tub. Its not too bad, and you avoid getting in trouble for your dishes/underpants/assorted car parts on the floor.
8) Be totally broke when she meets you, with no prospects. If she doesn't run, at least thats out of the way.
9) Only consider marrying a girl who is well grounded. She should be calm and have less problems than you. This is where the long-term dating comes into play. No psycho can keep it together for 4 years, so just sit back and wait.
10) Be on the same page in terms of career timelines, # of kids if any, when to create those kids, and how to raise those kids.

I am fairly certain that if you don't deviate from ANY of these, you'll be all good.

Ahhhhh Grasshopper, you are wise indeed!

Take it from a 50+ year old that got divorced in his 40's after 20 years, you are RIGHT on the mark in these things. You don't have to be an A-hole, you don't have to be a schemer, and you don't have to be a liar. In short, you dont have to be less of a good man to get more of a good woman. You just have to be smart...like rammstein's obsrvations and advice are. Kudos.

[the]

Good advice, I did all of them, except No. 3 (which in my case is impossible) and No. 8 (which likewise was not possible).

[Dottore]

1,5 and 9 only here, and it is working very nice indeed.

[jkarolyi]

I just got engaged on New Years Day, and I'm scared *****less about the whole thing. I've witnessed nothing but failed marriages in my family and friends...I can't believe I'm actually going to try it myself! Thanks for the tips...I've followed most of them and at 32 I think I'm ready for the challenge.

Congrats on your success, Ramm!

[Tim Walsh]

Hmm I'm getting married in july and I'm 9/10 and only because she couldn't comment on my line when I spun the car. I guess I'm not doing too badly, well except for the whole driving thing.

[legion]

Originally posted by jkarolyi
I just got engaged on New Years Day, and I'm scared *****less about the whole thing. I've witnessed nothing but failed marriages in my family and friends...I can't believe I'm actually going to try it myself!

I would argue that you are better prepared as you are well aware of potential pitfalls.

Look at it this way: A lot of successful entrepreneurs started out working for failing business and felt they could "do it better".

[azasadny]

Congrats! My wife, Beth and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary on 1/10/07 and I'm lucky to have her as my wife. We are a team and work together as much as possible. I couldn't imagine what my life would be without her (and my kids). I wish everyone was as happy in their marriage as we are.

[livi]

Very accurate advice.

I can testify, as I did not follow it and well...it did not work out. Not by a long shot.

[ben parrish]

Good info for those hunting. I will celebrate my 5th in September. I couldn't have been less interested in marriage when we met; I had been divorced for 7 years.
I married the BEST girl in the world. We have some differences but we are both mature enough to agree to disagree on some things. She is, for the most part a liberal and I am a conservative. Being older (I will be 39 this year and she will be 40) helps because you understand yourself better as you age. I love my wife more than anything else in the world and I feel the same from her.
A strong relationship is like nothing else; a bad relationship is the worst thing to have to bear.

[notfarnow]

Originally posted by legion
I would argue that you are better prepared as you are well aware of potential pitfalls.

Look at it this way: A lot of successful entrepreneurs started out working for failing business and felt they could "do it better".

I agree 100%.

My parents split up when I was six. My mother's second marriage ended when I was 17. My wife's parents were married for 36 (miserable) years before splitting up 3-4 years ago.

My wife and I have plenty of perspective on what kills a marriage. I've seen 2 fast, stormy failures; she's seen a painfully slow and festering one.

We are both very conscious of the patterns we are setting in how we deal with issues. We try to deal with all issues as early as possible, BEFORE they become real problems. Ya we fight, but there is never resentment or a feeling that the relationship is unbalanced.

FWIW we've only been married for a year and a half, but dated (and lived together) for 4 years. We bought a house together and shared finances for a couple years before getting married.

Originally posted by legion
...working for failing business...

Legion... what a great description of being the kid when your parents have a bad marriage. You know it's going down the tubes and there's nothing you can do about it, but vow YOU won't make the same mistakes.

[Jims5543]

I celebrated my 17th at the Ritz Carlton at Key Biscayne. I am 40 years old and my wife 35 everyone was shocked that we were so young and married so long. It seems rare for anyone to be married very long and when married young it never seems to last.

I love her more today than I did 17 years ago. Sometimes you get lucky and find the right person to spend your life with. I got really lucky. I cannot imagine my life without her and the kids.



1. We dated 2.5 years we were matched up by her older sister.
2. When I met her I knew I could marry her, or she would break my heart. No wooing needed.
3. We both have our strong points and weaknesses we seem to compliment each other in the smarts dept.
4. My wife can be wacky sometimes but guess what? So can I so its a scratch again.
5. She is when I met her her mother was a hottie I knew I scored. Her mom is still hot at 50.
6. She does not have go to track days and I do not have to go to the mall. We both go to them about 3-4 times a year. She doesn't really shop much.
7. She handles the house inside I take care of the outside, she stays home with the kids, I work, we both pitch in and help each other out.
8. I was broke when we met and for the first 10 years we atarted getting comfortable financially in the last 5 years.
9. We both are somewhat grounded in this crazy world.
10. We are not really goal driven, we take life as it comes at us and just recently started planning for the future and retirement.

My advise to anyone is to commit to your marraige. My best friend in the world is my wife. My free time is spent with my family and they are all that matters to me. I do not run off with the guys for guy weekends away neither does my wife do girls night out. If we go out we do so as a family, if we are going on vacation we do so as a family. Its about not being selfish. The bond I have with my wife and kids is rare these days, most guys I know leave work and then plan social events minus their families. I do not agree with this. I plan my recreation around being with my family, we do everything together. Its part of being married and part of having a good relationship.

If you find youself wanting to "escape" all the time I would seriously look at my relationship with my wife and kids and try to figure out what is wrong.

[Rick Lee]

Just saw this one, as I was travelling when it got posted. Sometimes I think I suffer from too much of a good example, since my folks started dating when they were 14 in 1959 and are still in love like teenagers. I have had some really awesome and scroching hot gf's, but some of them were serious PITA's too.

Here's how I match up with these rules.

1) I met my lady two yrs. ago this Feb. Jim, 1st date was the night before you and I rebuilt my calipers in your garage. Can't believe I drove her home with those things spraying brake fluid.

2) She adores me like your dog looks at you when you get home from work. She is the sweetest person I have ever met, despite whatever other issues we have. Of that I am positive.

3) She is definitely not smarter than me, but she definitely has a better disposition. I will get my intellectual stimulation elsewhere.

4) Surprisingly, she's not really like this. It worries me, since I fear it will come up as a surprise. But I like it too.

5) She's not the hottest one I've had, but she has the kind of face that looks like a smile no matter what kind of mood she's in. She melts me.



6) She doesn't care to go to the track at all, but has never once busted my balls for doing so.

7) We have a cleaning lady come, but my lady gets the warm and fuzzies by watching me cook and iron.

8) I wasn't like that when we met, but am getting that way now.

9) Got this one down cold. She is as easy going and calm as they come.

10) Neither of us care much about having kids.

[Rick Lee]

This reminds me.... my ex-fiance called me yesterday to catch up and also to remind me of why we'd be divorced by now had we gotten married. She such a knockout, has all the money in the world and is totally unhappy with her life. She even made a joke that she'll start looking for a new job (she doesn't need to work) soon because she doesn't like to stick with anything for too long and then said that's why I should be happy she didn't marry me. Truer words were never spoken.