Wedding in China – Help!

[imcarthur]

Well . . . we’re doing a last-minute trip to Beijing in 3 weeks. My stepson is marrying a Chinese girl he met while she was a student in Canada. We like her – a lot. The ‘small’ wedding for close friends & relatives is slated for Handan so her ill grandmother can attend. A ‘big’ Beijing wedding might follow later in the year (her father is mid to upper level gov’t official – has an Audi A8 + driver at beck & call) & then a Canadian reception . . .

My wife has freaked on net articles about the wedding customs – cash envelopes & all the crazy gifts that have to given etc. It looks like it really is going to be small due to their circumstances so what’s the reality here for a small informal wedding? We will offer to pay for the wedding meal – a lunch - but what else should we not ignore?

We plan to side trip to Great Wall at Mutianyu, Beijing sites & we hope to spend 3 nights in Xi’an - even though it’s winter.

Any suggestions to avoid ‘losing face’? Or general or specific advice? Travel advice?

Ian

[gaijindabe]

Lucky young man.

I would ask him (off the record) to ask her (off the record) what is expected.. Hopefully the exchange rate will make it reasonable.

Make sure you give plenty of time for jet lag and cultural adjustment. Get there a few days before wedding at least..

[911pcars]

Gaijindabe provides good suggestions.

The wedding customs in the old world might be more consistent than over here, where many generations, long since departed from their native lands, may recite old, hand-me-down, hearsay and/or village-specific customs and mores.

I assume you won't be expected to stuff a roast pig in your luggage, but you might have to go pig hunting when you arrive. Your future daughter-in-law will be of help here.

Ask them about the "walking under the suit" custom.

Sherwood

[imcarthur]

The bride doesn't like gold . . . Swarovski Crystal is her thing.

Pig hunting in Handan? I can't wait . . .

Walking Under the Suit is one I've haven't heard of yet.

The bride told her mother that we'll cover the photos & then told us she will pay. We'll say no of course. But at least the negotiations have begun.

Ian

[alf]

In Chinese custom, the groom's family pays for the wedding, all of it. Gifts are minimal, but tradition is to give red envelopes full of cash and jewlery for the bride during the tea ceremony.

But much is forgiven for non Chinese people.

[David]

There's been some really interesting documentaries about China on PBS this last week. Might be worth a look.

[jriera]

Need to double check with the wife (Chinese) about half of the things we did during our ceremonies (eating) in China.

Things I remember:

- Very sensitive to how people sit around the table, specially if older people are present (the oldest person must seat facing South I think)
- Lear how to use chopstick well, practice, practice
- Is not polite (but acceptable) to refuse to drink the snake blood mixed with the chinese wine
- Need to check on the red envelops (hongbao)

In general I will say just go with the flow (is what I did), my wife's family is a very large one, we spend 10 days having lunch and dinners in different parts of China, great experiences, we where in towns where foreigners (guailo - foreign devils) are not that common.

I will post more after I talk with the wife

[imcarthur]

Thanks for all the suggestions.

Of course, everything we hear comes 3rd hand from my stepson or via email from the bride. The grandmother’s illness is very serious – heart – and she has been in the hospital in Handan for a month & the bride’s mother has been spending a lot of time there & running back & forth to her job in Beijing – she’s gov’t too. This has sped up the plans & forced them to skip a Beijing wedding. The bride’s father is also traveling extensively right now & his availability is very limited. They are skipping the Tea Ceremony & since it’s immediately before New Year & in Handan, the guest count is to be very small. We were afraid that a wedding in Beijing would be a huge political affair with a who’s who of gov’t officials since he does move in those circles.

They are quite well off for China with a 3 BR condo in Beijing on Wanshou Rd & they provided a hefty down payment for a 2 BR condo for the bride in the southern CBD – Chaoyang area in Beijing. We suspect that they want to ensure their daughter – only child of course – doesn’t forget them when she emigrates to Canada later this year.

They have offered a friend’s condo for us in Handan, which we’ll accept & in Beijing we were offered accommodations in the Chaoyang condo but we plan to hotel it there.

Btw the bride doesn’t like gold . . . Swarovski Crystal is her thing & my wife is getting earrings & a necklace for her.

Ian

[Christien]

Hey Ian, no suggestions from me - I was in China back in 2000 and we actually did see a wedding reception at what was apparently the best dumpling house in Beijing, but no other knowledge of the ceremony. Just wanted to pass on my congrats! Have a great trip!

[imcarthur]

Thanks Christien. I'm a good travel planner but I never thought China would be one of our destinations so it promises to be an adventure. I booked it over the weekend & we leave in 3 weeks. Unfortunately, it will be winter there too.

Ian

[jriera]

Some info from the wife:

- Shake hands with everyone, NO HUGGING
- Gifts for immediate family: Sharpers Image and Brookstone are highly appreciated, NO car fixing stuff
- Gifts for other relatives: Vitamins, Melantonin and gingseng (no kidding!) they appreciate US brands.
- No red envelopes before Chinese New Year
- Remember that chinese are very sensitive to the meaning of colors and numbers, seeks advice before buying flowers, etc.

Feel free to ask me if you have any other questions. Enjoy the trip!

[Christien]

It was one of the best trips of my life. We went in late winter (March, IIRC) and the temperature was quite nice - high teens/low 20s. The only downside is that was the time of year when the winds blew sand from the Gobi desert south into northern China. You literally couldn't see across the street in Beijing on some days - it was like the thickest fog you've ever seen. At first it's gross because you think it's pollution, but then you get used to it just being sand, and blow your nose a lot!

Avoid the public toilet in the market in Beijing. Trust me. There's a nice hotel with public bathrooms just down the street.

[imcarthur]

Originally posted by jriera
- Shake hands with everyone, NO HUGGING
- No red envelopes before Chinese New Year
- Remember that chinese are very sensitive to the meaning of colors and numbers, seeks advice before buying flowers, etc.

Great tips! Thanks. The bride is shopping for a pink dress (one of the many) because a fortune teller told her red is not a good color for her.

Ian

[jriera]

Ian, tell your wife not to wear black or white (reserved for funerals) .. for you is OK

If you are staying for Chinese New Year do not wear black, white or yellow (red is the best color for that day) and be ready to handle hongbao's; $10 US for kids is OK, again careful with the number of bills and the meaning i.e. 44 or any number ending in 4 is VERY bad (number 4 sounds like death)

I will PM my wife's cell number if you need a crash course in chinese weddings and traditions.

[vash]

dude, just go and have a good time. ask your future daughterinlaw for a smiggen of customs, learn to say "hello" and "how are you", and the rest,,, shoot from the hip. the place isnt dripping with tradition. it isnt a jet li movie where you pour soy sauce on your rice and some crazy uncle with a foomanchoo starts yelling (strange how his voice is not in sync with his lip movements) and waving a meat cleaver. i guarantee that they want YOU to have a great time too, and the future in-laws are stressing alittle about that too.

oh, dont give knives as a gift. that i do know.

cliff

[Dottore]

Originally posted by Wayne at Pelican Parts
And isn't the average salary in China about 1/100th of that of the US? So, your costs would be about the same ratio? Maybe?

-Wayne

Wayne: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

China is not just the third world sweat shop that it once was. If daddy has an Audi A8 at his disposal he will be earning decent money (probably on par of better than in the US), and have certain expectations of the family of his daughter's suitor. And although Alf is absolutely right that much is forgiven for non-Chinese people, the question of "face" is always there, and it would be smart not to lose too much face with your new in-laws if you can avoid this.

I suggest you speak to the daughter in law very candidly about what her family's expectations are and then act accordingly. All the little stuff about how to hold chopsticks etc is irrelvant where foreigners are involved - but a marriage ceremony in China should always be an auspicious occasion and celebrated as such.

[MRM]

I sat through two Chinese weddings in Beijing, one for my mother in law's side of the family, the other for my father in law's, without me fully understanding that I was attending my own wedding and not just a reception for the relatives. Our real wedding was in the US. I don't speak Chinese, so I just sat in the corner and smiled and said "how cher" (good food) whenever someone said something to me. The family was delighted with me and appears to still be so.

My point is that Chinese are extremely patient with Americans and will make allowances that will surprise you. The red pocket custom is old enough and complex enough that the younger generation takes some liberties with it. Just buy a bunch of red evelopes or cloth pouches at a Chinese store here in the US, put some Chinese currency in each one, and pass them out to the younger relatives you meet as it seems appropriate. Do not give the red pocket to someone who is older than you. Bring gifts or red pouches for all the younger relatives.

Shaking hands is a bit tricky. Shaking hands is getting more common, but is still as strange to them as bowing is to us. Some people just don't do it comfortably. Most people do an abreviated bow.

When you meet someone for the first time, don't stick your hand out with a big hearty hello like you would do in the US. Stand straight as you are being introduced, look at the person as the name is being given to you, then say Knee How (hello) and give a half bow with the head and neck. Let the other person initiate a handshake, but make your hands visible so that if they're inclined they can shake your hand.

You will be the guest, and Chinese have a thing about taking care of their guests. It will be hard for you to pay for anything. Be sensitive to this and don't insist on paying if someone else is firm. You will be given the chance to host a lunch or dinner. Ask around to find out where they would like to go, and have it there. Probably at one of the hotels there. Let me know if you need recommendations for Beijing. You can pay for that one, but count on the locals insisting on paying for the other dinners.

[MRM]

I almost forgot, Wisconsin grown Gingseng is considered the best that there is. Wild grown is the best of the best, anything that was grown in Wisconsin will do. Buy it on line here and bring it with you. They will be very greatful.

[vash]

MRM is correct on all counts. red envelopes only go to people younger, and not married. i still think, learn a few phrases and have a great time. dont stress, at least that is what i am going to do, when i meet my china bride

[imcarthur]

Originally posted by MRM
I just sat in the corner and smiled and said "how cher" (good food) whenever someone said something to me.

That will be us!

Further email today from China & the wedding will be Feb 11. 30 people or so. And she says the fortune telling was years ago & she didn't even consult one this time.

Now to learn some Mandarin phrases . . .

Thanks for all the tips guys.

Ian