inheriting a family: experiences?
 

Since the group expertise here usually outshines the stacks at Borders, I'm curious as to the experiences of people on the board who have "inherited" families (ie step kids). Ages, issues, etc.

Todd, what the heck have you been up to?

+1

Now the minivan thread makes sense...

hey, i'm a busy guy...

He is taking after Angelina.......

That's who Anna-Nicole Smith's kid's "guardian" is. It all makes sense now.

Can you pass along a few hundred grand to your Internet buddies?

Are you sleeping wth Grandmothers again?

Wait to meet the kids until things are very very serious. Children need stability. If the relationship is not serious, it is better for the children not to know you. Same goes for your son. You do not want a series of girlfriends meeting your son. You ex-wife should do the same.

you'd be better of with Tab's farting Airdales...good luck.

I "inherited" two 6 & 7 yr old step daughters when I married my wife. Their real dad who I knew from the local aviation scene died in a plane crash about one year prior. The girls were young enough to pretty much accept me as dad, but now that they are teens, I feel a just a bit tethered when it comes to decision/rule making. The fact that I am the only man in the household against three women probably equally to blame. ;) :D

Looking back, I was a bit overwhelmed at first as a 30 yr old never married bachelor, but I have no regrets 10 + yrs later.

In 1990, I inherited a 6 yr old boy, which complimented the 2 that I had (which were only occasional visitors).

The inherited one was labeled a ‘difficult’ child. He trashed a principal’s office at 7. He was thrown out of public school shortly thereafter for biting a teacher. A ‘lock down' type of school & shrinks & psychologists followed. And many, many incidents with family & friends.

He turned into the classic ‘teenager from hell’ between 13 & 19. Tossed from a high school, & arrested for drugs & stuff etc. Another school for rebellious kids & finally, a high school that he barely attended & barely passed. He cut all ties to his natural father at 15.

He got through school eventually & he went through college with a minimum of effort expended on his part in a very basic course. He could still be called a ‘difficult child’ but we all learned to cope. He is also very intelligent.

He is now 22, working diligently & he just married a great girl in China. He hasn’t left home yet & probably won’t until he imports her & they set up home together in the coming months.

It is actually a long sordid story, of course, but best not detailed here. PM me if you need more of the blow-by-blow. All in all, it tested me as a parent & as an adult & it was the biggest challenge I have ever faced in my life. We never gave up on him & he is turning out OK.

Ian

My roommate is dating a woman with a 6-month-old girl. We're all in our mid-twenties, so it's always weird when I come home to find a stroller or a diaper bag lying around. "There's a baby in the apartment!!"

It's funny though. My roommate is okay with everything, and does great with the kid. It's the girlfriend that's kind of freaked out. I think she's worried about the other shoe dropping when my roommate goes crazy after realizing what he's signed on for.

I suppose it'll only get harder though. When the little girl gets older, she'll need more stability. For now, she's just happy if she's warm, clean diaper, and plenty of food.

I'd venture to say the baggage that comes along with the potential mate (children or not) could make a big difference.

A friend of mine remarried and brought his two boys into the new marriage, however, not full time. After five stressful years his new wife continues to deal with the BS brought on by my friend's former spouse. His ex was a mess before and during the divorce and his remarrying just added fuel to her vindictive nature. My friend is on the brink of divorce as a result.

My brother married a woman with teenage girls. She wanted some help in getting them under control. They were 15 and 16. They were living with their boyfriends within 6 months and he was a grandfather within a little over a year.

From middle class to trailer trash in a generation.

YMMV.

I'll offer a different perspective.

My parents split up when I was 6, and my father moved out of town so I only saw him every month or two. A couple later year my mom started dating Bill... a really nice guy, and they eventually married.

Bill walked a fine line between being a parent and being a friend to me and my two brothers. Not easy times; he had never been a parent and all of a sudden he had 3 boys. I think it was really hard on him when we were teenagers. We got into trouble and I think he felt we didn't accept him. Heck, we were teenagers; we didn't accept anyone older than 20. We were harder on our father.

Mom & Bill split when I was 18, but I feel I owe a lot to him for those 10 years. Poor guy got the worst years... missed us when we were young and cute, and missed the later years when we grew up to be pretty decent guys. He is a good man and I think he rubbed off on us. I still keep in touch with him.

Now we know what Todd is up to in Penang!

You marry the family, especially in the asian community. It can be a handful or wonderful thing. A lot depends on the Mother and how she tells the kids to act, as well as the age of the kids.

Spend time with them and feel the situation out. If it does not feel comfortable (and remember that the kids will be putting on their best faces trying to get Mom a new hubby) then some soul searching will be in order.

Marrying a woman who turns into a bat is bad enough, but if she has batlets tagging along its even worse... On the other hand if she is nice and you get along it could be the best thing that ever happened to you, well, outside of the 911 that is.

Glad you ended with these last two sentences.

I always liked dating MILF's because there was no doubt that they liked to *****;). But I don't even really want kids of my own. I sure wouldn't want someone else's.

Yep despite our differences and troubles, I like Bill a lot. He always did the very best he knew how.

I even invited him to my wedding a couple years ago. He didn't come; I think the thought of being around my mother & father was a bit much for him. In retrospect, I really should have prodded him a bit more.

Agree that its good that you are both in touch and let him know of the good influence he had on your family. Sounds like a nice guy and good that he had a good influence on your family.

well in my case I've already got a son so it isn't like going from zero to hero...I'm a parent, period. For me age zero to 6 was miserable, but it has gotten a lot better as he's gotten older.

Thanks Joe & Rick. I guess my thought is that there are a lot of families that need a good male role model. You don't need to be perfect; you just need to care enough to step up to the plate and do your best.

Hats off to step-parents!

I know you won't, but it still important to state: Don't forget the impact this will have on your son as well, whether it is you our your wife who is considering a "merge".

Edit: Whoops, to slow.

My mom married my stepdad 25 years ago. He inherited my brother and I and my mom inherited his 2 daughters.

It's had its ups and downs but he is my other father and one of my best friends.

My sisters are my sisters. We've been together long enough and endured enough together that step sister does not factor in.

We look nothing alike so it shocks people when I introduce my "sister".

I tell them that she has a different mother and I have a different father. I love watching them try to figure it out.

Please don't eat the daisies.

Thank you.

Ian

Totally agree. Eat the daughters! :)

LOL....Joe, you are very bad boy!

Possibly but they keep coming back for more! :)

some would argue that an only child who has expressed interest in the past in having siblings might be a good candidate, but that of course has to be carefully considered. Long ways off on all this but was interested to see what others have experienced.

Even though they might express it & be better for it if it did occur, only children like being only children & will act accordingly (defensively). That's all they know how to do.

Ian

I am recently (< 1 year) married to a woman with three kids: twin 16 y.0. dtrs and 18 y.o. son. We dated for 3 1/2 years before tying the knot so I got to know them when they were 12 and 14. I have no natural children.

Before we were married, I was just Mom's bf so I didn't interject myself into the heavy parenting role; I left that up to mom. I asked each of them permission to marry their mom and they were very enthusiastic and happy. I asked son to be my best man and the girls were the only bridesmaids. During the ceremony the son walked his mom down the aisle (her father is dec'd) and then took his place as my best man. I truly think they were flattered/honored whatever to be included in the decision and the ceremony.

It can be a little frustrating going from a bachelor of 10 years to husband and stepdad. I made it clear to them that I in no way was trying to replace their natural father. Also made it clear mom and I would not tolerate them trying to get in between our relationship. I had one rule: You can be jerks to your mom, to me, to each other..I could care less. BUT, if you pi$$ my wife off it becomes personal and I WILL care. So...just keep my wife happy and all will be well. So far it has worked out great.

They are truly wonderful kids. Sure we have the conflicts regarding curfews, dating, grades, cars yadadadada, but we address those things in an adult manner treating them with respect. And they return the respect. I give a lot of credit to their mom for that.

They have added so much to my life. I really do like them as individuals. I have heard the horror stories of other stepdads about insolent, surly, angst ridden teens but so far I've not experience any of that.

A friend of mine summed it up best when I was complaining a bit of how hectic my schedule was becomming with several of their activities: "You could be doing a lot worse things with your time than trying to help good kids become productive adults."

I'll throw in my experience here....its the way the ex-wife and ex- husband deal with the split that had the most effect... the kids..admittedly only very young at the time were 'relatively easy'.. but the fights over week end care, school pick ups etc were a constant source of friction...in the end the issue became so constraining that our relationship suffered, our lives were being run in conjunction with a third unco operative adult...and eventually it broke down....

The kids in reality were a pleasure to deal with.. treat them correctly, fairly and with understanding regardless of whether they are biologically yours and you will earn their trust and respect..at that point the issue of being more a parent than concerned adult is easier and accepted....and dealing with the bigger issues becomes far less daunting.

You have more going in than I did. I was not a father when I married my wife with a boy and a girl, at the time 12(b) and 7(g). Only rule I really emphasized beyond normal child rearing practices (notice I said, "practice.") was that the phone was always open for calls to their bio dad. No so for other long distance calls, but I would never say anything about a call on the bill at any time to his number.

They seldom used the privilege. I guess knowing it was there was sufficient. Other than that, it's family business as usual. Lots of school involvement, teaching of manners, athletics and, of course, keeping them in check responsibility wise.

Dueller, MFAFF, Milt, et al, nothing is cooler. Thanks.:)
Very informative thread.

My Personal experience. Wife #2. Her third marriage. 1 child from each previous marriage. One was 19 and the other was 9. My wife foolishly lost custody of the 9 yrd old and was unable to re-gain custody. When we went to court over all of this, the court let the 10 yr old have a say (which is not supposed to be allowed for children under 12, in Massachusetts). When interviewed, she was obviously coached, etc.

Any-hoo, my wife and I agreed that consistency was the most import thing, and that she was in charge of disciplining her daughter. I had few rules for her, but table manner were one of them. Using the right tool for the job, and not chewing with the mouth open, especially in public.

Remember the consistency thing? Well wife was not consistent. Neither was her family. We were out to dinner one evening and she was chewing like a cow. I looked at her and quietly said "Erin...". The kid blew up. We were out with my wifes parents and a whole bunch of people. The grandmother looks at her and says: "You don't have to listen to him." refering to me. Yep.

My wife and I split when Erin was 17, about the time we actually were starting to be able to discuss things. I expected Erin to end up pregnant before the end of high School. Didn't happen until 2nd semester of college. She started seeing a guy about 13 years older than her (about 4 years younger than I was at the time), she quits school and ended up pregnant and not talking to the rest of the family...

My father (okay, step-dad) married my mom when I was 12. I was and still am a pretty indepedent little stinker. I used to go camping by myself for 3-4 days at a time when I was that age. Took care of myself and didn't need a dad to do that for me.

Talk about step into a no-win situation. You marry a gal and her kid just pretty much decides you are an unnecessary life form. Adding to Dad's challenges were being a long-haul truck driver. His time away from us actually made me even more resentful. Dad never lost patience. I remember the day he told me he loved me and I believed it. I was 14. He suffered my **** for two years and on that day everything changed...

Saw Dad in a different light that day. He was not the person who was "supposed" to love me like my biological father. He was the person who for no substantive reason chose to love me. That was an incredible feeling - knowing he chose this.

I am proud to say I'm "Daddy's Girl". Wish the same unconditional love for you and yours.
angela

My step-dad is the most gentle, understanding, caring man I have ever known. My mother wouldn't let him discipline us in any way so I grew up kind of wild. All along he never lost patience.

It was tougher for him than it was for me. He married a dirt poor immigrant woman who is 4 years his senior who already had 4 boys (15, 11-me, 9 and 7). We did not know how to speak English and he was instrumental in helping us learn the language quickly. He's done a great job as a mentor but not quite a father since that would require having disciplinary duties. Anyway, because of him, all of us 4 boys stayed out of jail, finished college and have good paying jobs.

I guess my situation was/is a bit easier because the kids were a little older and already had some good values in place. As far as stepping into the father/male role model position, that was a bit unusual in my case as although their father was physically present in their lives, he really wasn't actively involved. He is somewhat self-absorbed and really didn't do things just for the kids. E.g., while he would ask them to do things with him, it was more of an afterthought and a last minute type of thing such as "'I'm going to to X, you wanna come? We're leaving in 10 minutes.." Sorta like they were an afterthought.

For what its worth he lived with his mother off and on for most of his adult liife, constantly in and out of rehab. It was on one of these "vacations" that he met his current wife of two years...a bona fide recent heiress also in rehab. He steps and fetches for her to keep the golden goose happy. The kids have seen him go from being broke to a move to Santa Barbara with a big house, boats, cars (a limited edition truck to a Boxter S to a 996 TT in just 6 months...and yup its a tip:D ), hair transplants, gaudy jewelry, etc etc.

I was concerned on how the kids would react to this, but my worries were for naught. When he announced his early retirement at 45 stating that he and his new wife just had too much money for him to have to work, it was very clear they had lost whatever respect they had for him.

Because of my step kids, I found the joy of doing things or teaching them things I knew as a child/young adult. Because it was siomething that interested my step son, I've gotten back into hunting, fishing, dirt bikes, tennis, etc...stuff his dad never did with him. And suprisingly, he has made an effort to take interest in things that I'm interested in such as racing, working on cars/bikes. I enjoy supporting them in their athletics and activities.

And its pretty cool and something of an ego boost when they come to you with their problems and ask for help wth life decisions and truly take your input into consideration. Like I said earlier, I've been blessed. But my experience has been totally positive. In fact I'd go so far as to say I'm getting more out of the deal than they are.