How do you help a friend who's lost a child
 

My best friend from college lost his 5 month old daughter last November to SIDS. He and his wife have a 2-year-old son.

I just talked with him and he's still completely gone, 100% lost in grief, on permanent leave from his firm. I can't say I was much help other than an OK shoulder, shared some of the good times; looking forward to helping them move back into their house (under renovation) at the end of the month.

Can anyone share some words of wisdom to help me help him? We've been very close for 20 years, like brothers at times when we lived in the same area. I don't expect him to be the same person he was prior to this, but I truly fear for him and his family at this point. I'm really at a loss here. They are finally going to professional grief counseling.

I would think just being around and not trying but just being there is the best. I don't think anything can really help with this. He will know you are trying and looking out for him just by being there. If you can't spend lots of time at their house then lunch and dinner when you can. Good luck

While I've never had this situation to deal with, I do work with divorced people. (Divorce has been called "death without the casserole, so there are similarities I suspect.) One of the tenants of DivorceCare is that "talking brings healing". What that means is you are there...spend time with him....let him talk. Do not try to make sense out of it...you can't. Don't offer advice unless you are a professional in the field. Don't encourage him to "just get over it". But a friend, who understands that grief is a process and therefore a good thing and the proper way to deal with this tragedy, and who lets that man grieve....and you are there. Listening to whatever he wants to talk about. Anyway....that's what works with DC....that and a group setting. There is a program called "GriefShare" but I don't have any personal experience with it. HTH.

I can't imagine anything much worse, since a child dying before you goes against the natural progression of things. I agree, beyond letting him know you care, and doing things like the helping to move...there isn't much more. In time, his hurt will be less, but he'll always hurt.

Just be there. That's all you can do. It will help, and you cannot do more. It is a blessing you should not mention that this child was only five months old. Imagine the sudden death of a grade schooler. Only parents have any understanding of the fact that the death or serious injury of a child is absolutely, positively, the worst thing that can happen. By FAR worse than any other potential event. So disturbing is that thought, that parents are usually unable to place their mind on it. Your mind can go almost there in imagination, but then it jumps back. It is, truly, unthinkable.

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Here is a favorite of mine. The author's writing is in quotes, and the unquoted remark is editorial. The writing is vintage Brautigan:

"I didn’t know what he was going to do with the rest of his life either... His eyes were wet wounded rugs. Like some kind of strange vacuum cleaner I tried to console him. I recited the same old litanies that you say to people when you try to help their broken hearts, but words can’t help at all. It’s just the sound of another human voice that makes the only difference. There’s nothing you’re ever going to say that’s going to make anybody happy when they’re feeling ****ty about losing someone they love. Finally he set fire to the radio...’ The hit songs then ‘tumbled in popularity like broken birds."

This happened to a guy on the board a little over a year ago. What he seemed to appreciate most were the expressions of sympathy and neighbors who showed up with meals and otherwise made small but caring supportive gestures. What was the least helpful was the armchair quarterbacks that wanted to affix blame for what was a random circumstance.

The best thing that you can do is be there, listen to them, cry with them and share their grief. Bringing some food, or helping if needed is good, but the bottom line is I suspect that your friend will be very lonely and feel very empty. Having the company of someone who can share their grief I suspect will be something they will appreciate. It will be very, very difficult for you because if you're like me, you'll want to do something to make the hurt go away. The reality is that it will never go away, you're friend will slowly just learn to live with it. Having your quiet support and the company of someone who cares is something I think you're friend will always value.

My son almost died in a near drowning accident a few years ago when he was 6. I have heard that a huge percentage of parents who lose a child get divorced. From my experience I believe it. If my son had not made it there is no way I would be married today.

After it happened what I wanted most was sincere expressions of sympathy and to otherwise be left alone. Not alone, alone, but just to have some space and still feel the sympathy. I know, it's mutually exclusive, but that's how I felt.

The best I can say is cards, some food, and stopping by just to see how they're doing and being sensative to leaving or staying as the situation looks like it needs.

Try to act as normal as possible. They probably want to talk about the accident and the baby. Compiment the baby as much as you think you can, how it smiled, looked like daddy, favored him mom, whatever. It made me feel better just having someone say nice things about my son. Most of all, be sincere.

Just let him know that you are there if he need your help...

All you can do is to let he and his family you are there for support and pray for them for comfort. Having a child go before I do is an experience I hope I never have to endure.

Contact these folks for advice:

CJ Foundation

That, and your shoulder, which is more than ok.

Thank you everyone for your good words, links of help and support. It is much appreciated.

I lost my oldest son to cancer 6 years ago at the age of 10. There is nothing you can say or do that will help him other than continue your friendship and company. Do not give up on him. The loss of one of your children shakes the very foundation of your universe and leaves a hole that cannot be filled or assuaged. Time tempers this but does not cure. The first few years are the worst with the temptation of suicide high. It takes a long time for the interest in life to return.
Hang in there with him.

Steve, my condolances. Yes, nobody can "feel" the pain one goes through...all friends can do is let one know that they know he is in pain, and that they care...I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child...but I can imagine that it is as tough as it can get.
It took a lot on your part to post this...

My wife and I lost our 7 year old daughter in a car accident 4 years ago. I lasted about 1 week before I was in the mental hospital. After that I moved in with a close friend for about 3 months to try to get myself straight. To this day the pain is still there and my wife has never been the same.

My close friends helped out by just being there. It was one friend in particular who would at a moments notice drop everything and just listen or provide a shoulder to cry on. Professional therepy may help your friend and his wife.

Offer an ear or a hand. As a guy I think it is harder to ask for help when you need it.


My condolances

Speedy

I don't think there are any words that could be said. I don't think I would be strong enough to hold it together. I don't want to think about it.

Agreed. I could only hope for my best friend to just be there - there's nothing else he could do.

The kiddo turned 4 last week - she fell asleep on my chest tonight while the wife and I just sorta took it in. Seems like sometimes you just never get a chance to sit and enjoy them after they get mobile. So we happened to tune into some show on TLC about this little girl with a rare form of dwarfism. Wasn't expected to live, but just celebrated her 3rd birthday. She weighed 8 lbs at age 2. It was hard to watch with our healthy little girl there asleep. We're so thankful.

Shaun - if ever appropriate to do so - maybe you could mention all of us here who sympathize and send our best.

You've recieved solid advice so far. I'd just like to add one thing. There is no timetable for emotional recovery after the loss of a child. It is a more profound tragedy than the loss of a parent or even a spouse.

Some people heal slowly after the loss of a child, some never recover. In five years time your friend may still feel as devastated sometimes as he does now. That is normal. Many marriages fail after such a loss. Your friend may need to talk about his loss or he may need you not to mention it. Just be there and offer support. Perhaps encourage your friend and his wife to get couples grief counselling. That's counselling specifically designed to help a marriage survive a devastating loss.

You're on the right track, Shaun. Just let him know you're there.

somebody here at work had a similar thing

other then funeral , and condolences
we tried to act normal as much as possible
and allow her to work without beeing confronted with it to much

we figured that close family and close friends are the ones for direct support, no need to swamp her with to much "support"

now i don't know how close you are, but like schamp says, don't over do it, just make sure to be there if called , and to make sure they your friend knows that your there if needed, without constantly asking about it...

my collegue/friend held strong at first, then took a hit, and then pulled through, i'm sure it's still a big source of pain , but she went on with her life... what else can you do??

I have been the attending doctor with a few cases of SIDS. Not much for a doc to do from a medical point of view when parents bring their child to the ER. From a psychological, fellow human being´s view however it is perhaps the most devastating scene of all. The often repeated sit downs with the parents in the weeks to come. Very, very hard. Total helplessness.

Time, sympathy and companionship. And crying. Crying is good. I have cried a lot for other people´s children.