My Best Friend is Having a Bad Time of it.
 

We go back a long time - He and I worked at GE together years ago when he first got out of the Army - retired Capt., Jumpmaster . CIB with 5 tours and was a Prof at Dartmouth before the liberals drove him crazy. Truly a guys guy. He quite the bottle a few years ago - found AA. Divorced but remarried this year to a women who looks like Penelope Cruz - fantastic looking Costa Rican women and a real sweet heart as well. His work is going incredible and he is getting zero hassle from his ex-wife. He just bought another house which he will rent out to cover the note plus bank a few hundred after taxes each month.

By all accounts he has a fine life. But he has hit a massive low and can't figuer out why. He just feels down then he gets pissed thats he is down. He led troops in Iraq and Somolia. He has shared with me some incredible stories and met some of his men that told me of some serious heorics and leadership he has shown in life/death situations.

We talked today and I told him he can call me anytime he wants but he said "Why, just so I can complain? ***** shouldn't suck but it just does...." So I told him to try pop'n some of my lil helpa's. He agreed.

He decided to see his doc after our talk - he got a script for 10mg of Lexapro. Not sure what else to do other than be there for him.

life's getting boring

Chris,
I think you are right.

Every time that happens to me I buy another motorcycle.

I have 22 of them at this point.

Life is supposed to suck sometimes. We deal with it so we become stronger and can appreciate the good times. Without sadness we cannot have joy.

Taking a pill is not a solution. It is a problem.

Tell him he's not complaining to you, sometimes everyone need to vent a little... and venting to smart friends (like you, or a good professional councilor) can often lead to ideas and solutions you may not come to on your own.

+1

As long as you're willing to listen (and not look at these occasional phone calls as a burden), and he's comfortable in confiding to you, isn't that what friends are for? Lot cheaper than a counselor (even if your buddy goes out and buys a bunch of motorcycles ).;)

Sounds to me like he feels all of life has now passed him by, he has nothing exciting to look forward to at this stage. Combat veteran, jumpmaster, professor, he needs to find a real challenge, physical or mental and jump into it in a big way. Doesn't have to be a career but something that makes him feel focused and alive.

It's called mid-life crisis. Harder for some than others.

All good stuff here.

Hang in there with him Mike, he needs you.

Sounds like he needs a Porsche and a Pelican addiction!!!

Be a good friend, it DOES make a difference. Let him know you care. We all go through these times.

Without getting too long-winded, I'll just say that depression in a MFer and I know it well. The most frustrating, (and potentially dangerous), thing about it is the *can't see the forest for the trees* aspect; ie. it is like having horse blinders on and all you can see is negative crap. I will PM you my phone# in case he would talk to me.

I'm trying to not be negative as much, but tell that to someone that has ADD or a serious problem of a similar nature.

It has been shown that some of the stuff people exposed their unborn and infants to, have wreacked havoc on the children's' health, both metal and physical.

For instance, when I was real young the "exterminator" would come regularly and spray our closets with a fog of DDT. Nice, huh. Both my parents smoked in the house and I had asthma. Never had asthma again once I left home. No telling what else I've been exposed to in 61 years, but if I live to be 70 in a relatively healthy manner, I'll say I beat some big odds.

Depression is serious business and a pill or twenty won't be the end of the world for this chap. Without some professional help (read, Denis), he might be at the end of his world.

As Milt said, depression is serious business. I recently had a friend of mine commit suicide due to depression. No one saw it comming or suspected as he had a loving family and had a good law practice. He emailed several of us about feeling like he hadn't measured up.

He was 49.

Re: My Best Friend is Having a Bad Time of it.
 

Sounds like he may be a closet homo.

I'm not sure we need to hurry to the word depression... only he knows where he is on that level.

As lubby describes it sounds like he has lived a very busy, exciting, life... like someone else said maybe he is just bored or having a mid life crisis or both.

I have been "put a gun in your mouth" depressed but it passed and rarely visits me (thank God). As I understand it some people are medically chronically depressed as in 356 days a year and need professional help but it sounds like Mikes friend has been relatively happy up to this point.

Medication should be a LAST resort. All to often those prescribing don't take the time to understand what said individual has been through or where they've come from. Best thing you can do is be an ear and keep your mouth shut, beyond that offer support or finding real help that assists those with his background and exposures (military).

He needs to challenge himself. Working ou, a target weight, a target waist size are all good as the working out will release endorphins that will help make him a happier person.

I have bouts with depression and want to self medicate with alcohol but choose to set goals in the gym for myself instead.

Maybe pills work (easy way out in my honest opinion) or maybe a good exercise regiman will be better.

It worked for me 100% drug free and happy again due to exercise. Thank my wife for stepping in and whipping me into shape.

What he needs is a professional opinion.

Re: My Best Friend is Having a Bad Time of it.
 

The fact that you put that all in one paragraph, indicates that you see some relationship between his "low" and military experiences.

Sounds like post traumatic stress.

I'd suggest some help from professionals, not the MDs first -- as already noted in this thread, drug therapy should be the last resort.

Re: Re: My Best Friend is Having a Bad Time of it.
 

That is the opposite of how I read that. The guy has some serious coping skilz, from the sound of it. (his military experience)

Its something very specfic that is bothering him, something he doesn't want to let go of or doesn't want to address. He also feels like it is being a wuss to talk about his feelings. Yet talking is the one thing that will make him have a sudden revealation about what is bothering him. Tell him he has braved bullets before so why should he be afraid of some Thearpy and talking about whats bothering him. Think of it as a recon mission.

Lubby fk U and your happy pills. Depression isn't something to fk around with. The happy pills may even make him suicidal.

U can't live up to someone elses expectations.

Mike,

The most important thing you can probably do for your friend is something you've proven yourself to be already...be a good friend!

Be there for him, offer encouragement, be the open, non-judgemental ear. You may not be able to "cure" him yourself, but you can be there along his path to being helped.

Randy

Oh great. Don't get me started with ADD.
Sure it exists. Sure, some people have it and it is a serious illness.
But IMO most people who have been diagnosed with it and are medicated for it DON'T HAVE IT!
It's the most over-diagnosed, most over hyped, biggest scam in medical history. Schools in California are PAID to let so called professionals in so they can diagnose kids with ADHD. The schools then get additional money because of these so called "special needs" kids. The bogus medical pros get rich treating (doping) these kids who don't have anything wrong with them that a little old fashioned discipline wouldn't solve. Strong motivation to come up with a postive diagnosis, huh?

These kids are taught that there is something wrong with them, they are not normal, and it is OK for them to act like yardapes. Cool. Give them a built in excuse for being a screw-up and then blame society when the kids grow up and go to jail or live on welfare. It's not the parents fault, they tried nothing and are all out of ideas!

Then, we had to take it a step further. Adults who were screw-ups got tired of feeling guilty so they jumped on the band wagon. "Hey everybody, it's not my fault I'm like this. I have ADHD"! That's easier than saying "the reason I sit around instead of getting or keeping a good job is because I have no morals, or I have no personal motivation, or I'm lazy, or I'm a drug addict".

Now back to the original post:
Clinical depression sucks. If someone has it, they need to deal with it. Hiding from it with a pill does not solve anything, it just puts it off for a while.
Face the problem deal with the problem, address the problem. Or take a pill. The problem will still be there but you can ignore it for a while but chances are it will not just go away.
Kind of like driving with your eyes closed. You can't hit anything if you can't see it, right?

TABS,
I've been down this road and so has countless others. Now he is having a go of it. Ya, depression is a bit of a mystery and many folks do get help from thearpy. I never have. He has tried. It doesn't work for him either. We agree on a few things. Any thearpist we have ever talked with always go down the same path - try to get in touch with your feelings, find the source of your agony and all that crap. The you have the new agers, don;t get me going on that crap. If your lucky, you get someone who can shed some light and have you enage in some sort of techniques but then it only lasts a short time.

Trust me, I can talk for days and days about all sorts of shyt to anyone who will listen. If never worked for me. It doesn't work for him either.


I have been on Lexapro now for a few months. Low dose but it does the trick. Some people self-medicate, others find various 'tricks' to fool them selves. We all do what works best.

The brain is nothing but cells with chemicals flowing through. Adjust the chemicals and you adjust the firing.

My friend started taking Lexapro and has noticed a difference like I did. We are still 100% functional without the anxiety or depression. All the talk and BS the some thearpist is gonna spew is worthless to me. Maybe for some its fine but no go for me.

Nice

Lubbys Bin In Thearpy
 

So U have been in some sort of Thearpy before. Now that clears some things up, something U have kept hidden from this discussion.

U better adjust your thinking cap as it is outdated. Eric Kandel MD, Neuroscientist (Nobel Laurete) basically says that studies are showing that Thearpy actually will change the configuration of the Brain. If U change the configuraion of the Brain you change Brain CHEMISTRY. Read "In Search of Memory" by Kandel..

Then U don't HONOR your feelings, U try and ignore them and the result is a Panic Attack. Your feelings won't let U off the hook, and U medicate with Lexipro to make them go away somemore.

Your feelings and imagination gives U valuable information. Sometimes if U ignore those feelings and thusly that information you do so at your own peril. In the old days you'da bin eatin by a Saber Tooth Tiger.. so U might say feelings and imagination is evolutionary.

One possibility for your Panic Attacks was you wifes recent health issue, it was probably going on for awhile, maybe not on the surface but it was there and the thought of losing her has terrified you.

All I have ever pushed for with U is that U honor your feelings by paying attention to them and the best vehicle or tool we have as you will is Thearpy. Thearpy is like the index of a book, a point of reference a guide, U have to fill in the text of the book yourself through your desire to find out..in other words to be curious as to the reason WHY U feel the way U do. Believe me there is a reason for everything from the reason why the Sun is in the sky to what you feel and the action U take.

Some men need a challenge in their lives to feel productive. He had been up every mountain that there is and now is down in the valley.

Find something that he likes to do and challenge him to achieve it. It will not only get him out of his depression but also push him to move ahead.

Hope it helps...

Not really -- although some drug companies would like you to believe exactly that. A better description (though not a perfect analogy) is that the brain is essentially an electro-chemical computer.

Just as a computer can have either software or hardware problems, so too can the brain.

Just like computers, a lot of people jump to "hardware" solutions (using drugs to chemically alter the brain) when the real problem is a "software" problem (some pattern of thinking they have developed) which is causing the emotional reaction (a chemical response) of depression or anxiety.

Most competent physicians would suggest trying drug therapy to alter the brain's chemistry, only as a last resort. Why run the risks of messing with the hardware, if the problem is only one of "software."

Hmm. I looked into this further, seems you are right. Even to the point where folks who get heavy into meditation can actually change their metabolism and their brain chemistry. The implications are interesting. I will have to reflect on this.

My father developed serious bipolar disorder (manic depression), it ended his career (mathematician, engineer) and almost his life. He was on lithium for years. At first it worked, then it didn't. I'd say it may have kept him functional for long enough to find a better solution. I don't quite understand the solution he did find, but it involved going to Asia for a year, living in a small village, and learning traditional Chinese medicine and meditation. As I said, I don't really understand it but it has worked for him.

One of our good friends is battling severe depression now. It ended her career too (banker), then her marriage. She has been suicidal, has been committed, intense therapy and medication has not worked. She is going to have electroshock therapy.

I guess if I developed a mental disease, I would try everything under the sun, from therapy to medication to meditation to acupuncture/pressure.

It is extremely obvious that she is not working with the right doctors if they even consider electroshock therapy -- they might just as well suggest blows to her head with a hammer!

Concussion will alter the brains functioning (as any brain damage will); sometimes the alteration from damage can actually be experienced as "helpful" to the patient, but just because certain barbarian "doctors" use electricity to damage a brain instead of a hammer, doesn't make the action of indiscriminate brain damage a legitimate medical procedure!

If she is a good friend, help her to find a new doctor!

Very good Lubby, I see Thearpy as an adventure in awareness, and I would very much like for U to have the same outlook. Something positive to be gained...Its like being nearsighted and having your vision corrected to 20/20, and ohhh how much better U can see. If U work hard enough and long enough you will be able to see that little pin in the corner across the room.

Instead of being at the mercy of Panic Attacks U can figure out what they are trying to tell U. There is a GOOD reason for them and your job in Thearpy is to find out what that reason is. Then U will essentially be free of them.

Drugs can keep someone functional who otherwise might be disfunctional. In a great majority of cases Thearpy can unravel the dysfunction. The object of the game in my opinion is not to need to take medication,but to be able to take care of your own mental health, by being aware and taking the apropriate actions to resolve ones problems.