Death In The Family - Questions?

[Super_Dave_D]

We just got the awful news that my wife's Grandfather passed suddenly. At 40 and being married for 12 years we have been very lucky in this being our first death in the family.

My question is: at what age does one take their daughter to a funeral? She is 5 and surely knows who he is but they live over 600 miles away so she isn’t extremely close. My wife is very close to her Grandfather and this has hit her hard. I am concerned about our daughter seeing her mom so distraught. What are your experiences?

[legion]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

I think this is a decision that depends on many factors and that you and your wife are best equipped to make. How mature is your daughter? Will she treat the occassion with due respect? Will she be impatient and run down the aisles of the funeral home? Was your daughter close to her great-grandfather? Will she regret being left behind when she is older? How will she react to your wife being upset?

Just some things to consider. I have no answers.

[notfarnow]

Legion makes good points... it really depends on your daughter. Would she benefit from going?

At my great uncle's funeral last year, one of the nicest moments was watching my 5 yr old 2nd cousin console her father, who was very, very upset and weeping during the service. It was very touching to watch them all grieve together as a family. It seemed very appropriate for her to be there.

Either way, I'm sorry for your family's loss

[David]

For a grandfather, I think it may do more harm than good for her to go. On the other hand, I was 5 when my father died and my mother didn't take me to the funeral because she thought I was too young. I think that was a mistake.

[svandamme]

5 is to young to understand or remember much of the ordeal

to the daughter , it would be just a boring event with many folks sad, and crying, and she wouldnt' understand why and no explanation would make sense to her

i think 7 is the cutoff, i remember things from that age, but not much before that...

[azasadny]

Yep, depends upon the individual child and the parent's opinion and judgement. Make the call and support your wife as much as you can. I lost my grandfather a year ago last February and I miss him every single day!

[tabs]

Your Daughter is going to know your Wife her Mother is very upset, no matter how you slice it. So don't hide it, and explain why to her. There is more damage done if you don't explain.

If she didn't know Great Grandpa very well I would tend to leave her at home, but explain why so that she understands...

However with a bit of thought I would ask her if she would like to go...I think that is a very equitable way to handle it. (Even if a person is 5 years old they deserve to be treated equitably).

I remember lots of stuff from 5 years old and even before. So to say she won't remember is not correct.

[Jims5543]

Tabs is spot on.

I would take my 3.5 year old, the reason? Because at that young age they are more of a distraction and a comfort to the relatives. They love to see the little ones and it oftern helps soften the pain. I can remember being at funerals when I was little and being hugged to death by Aunts, great Aunts grand parents etc..

I come from an Italian family so we may be a bit different, wedding and funerals, with Italians are both excuses to eat a lot of food and drink a lot of booze. They are family renunions and it would be unforgivable for me to not take my children. I am not sure if anyone else does it like Italians do.

I see no need to take them to the front to view. I do not do that anymore myself I really do not like it and find it morbid. I would not want to be layed out like that when I am gone, but to each his own if it helps you with the pain then I guess it works.

[on2wheels52]

I think the 600 mile distance to travel is relevant if you have somewhere local for your your daughter to stay that she has already had sleepovers. The only funeral I'll be comfortable at is my own.
Jim