Messing with HR
 

I had to fill out some employment forms last week, and in the spot for 'who to call in case of an emergency' I put "911" - got an email from the HR drone indicating her displeasure with the information I provided, so I suggested "Jack Bauer" instead. I don't think she got it.

haha

the question is, did you get the job?

HR people for the most part have no sense of humor. And many suffer from a god complex.....

One of the few times I got myself in hot water for shooting off my mouth was with HR.

We did this yearly trade show. My booth occupied 12,000 sq. feet and was 2 stories high. It's a big mofo. We spend 50 weeks a year planning the thing and spend a week setting it up, all for a 3 day show.

Anyway, we get back one year and they call me, the Marketing VP and my counterpart from logistics.

"We would like you to put together a "mini" e3 for the employees that don't have the priviledge to go to the show so they can experience it as well"

I look around the table and the other 2 are as dumb struck as I am.

I respond, "If you had half a clue what went into this you would have put a stop to it before you spoke to us but OK fine, 1st we need to work them 18-20 hours a day 6-7 days a week for a month. Then we'll pick them up at 5 in the morning and drive them around on a bus for the next 8 hours. We'll drop em at a hotel and give them 10 minutes to take their stuff to their rooms. Then we'll hustle them off to a cavernous, hot, dirty place and make them do physical labor for 12-14 hours a day for 4-5 days. Then comes the easy part. We'll make them stand in uncomfortable shoes for another 3 days repeating the same stuff over and over to the endless stream of people with bad breath.

The "last day" of the show we'll hustle them straight from the convention center and stick em on a redeye for the flight home".

My counterparts burst out laughing. The HR chick went ballistic.

We had one at our work that finally admitted that she got a rush from firing people. Biatch still works there and someday her time will come. Butch lesbian who had no sense of humour...

HR is somewhat like lawyers...they generally have their humor bone surgically removed at some point.

Even the name: "Human Resources" is so clinical...Eliminates the human factor and sounds like a warehouse of material/supplies.

I just had a brilliant idea - "Human Depot", your one-stop solution for all your Human Resources needs. Post your resumes and have prospective employers bid on them.

God, I should market this idea. Monster.com can't hold a candle to this concept.

And in no time, there will be Indian guys hanging out front, and every now and then someone will pull up in a BMW, roll down the window and say "Any of you guys know Java?"

Oh they do...when the laugh with each other about what they've done to the peons...

+1 I do the trade shows for our company, HR thinks we are eating steak/lobster, renting big cars and chasing ladies the whole time.

I've still got an email from the HR folks here at my current job to my boss...

"His application states and backs up 15 years experience, but he's only 27... how can that be?"

Not true. We're medicated.

BullsHi$...my sister is a DA and her humor bone is intact, which we can prove. In fact, we may just sue your hippy tailpipe just to prove a point.

We have guns and money, Sportfan:)

Be afraid.

I worked in a very tall building in Sherman Oaks, where next door was a condominium complex that had a few porn actors living there. Now and then, the actors put on "free shows" in the hot tub atop the complex. Of course, that meant binoculars, even telescopes would surface in the offices where I worked, and queues of employees would line up down the hall.

One day, our humorless, sexless (i.e. frustrated) HR person went next door to complain to the manager, who told her, basically, to **** off. That same day, many cold shoulders were given to her for her attempt at ruining the company's mid-afternoon entertainment. She felt there was no choice in the matter, and that same week, quit her job.

Years ago I was offered a job and accepted it. I was told three days into this job by an HR type that that I needed to submit and application and a resume for this position. I said something like "why, I already have the job?"

I wish I still had a copy of that resume.
12 years as a hydro-electric brass magnet operator in a brass mine ;)

Who's Jack Bauer?

You know...they should do a take-off on the "Messin' With Sasquatch" commercials...

Keep laughing, guys. This post is going in all of your files :)

You want a real laugh? Ask an HR person: "What do you do?"

Then, after their very formal-sounding reply full of buzzwords, say: "That's all fine and good, but what do you do? I mean, how do you spend your day?"

Sit back and enjoy...

I have a few basic rules I live by,
In real life never piss off: The police (or anyone with a gun and a badge), the IRS, the DMV.
At work never piss off: IT or HR.

I don't necessarily enjoy these rules but they have allowed me to live fat, happy, and unmolested for fifty years.