On Being a "Great" (Not GREAT) Grandparent...

[Dan in Pasadena]

The "silly parents" thread has me thinking. ...and that's always dangerous

My son's wife of 2-1/2 years is about 5 months pregnant with my first grandchild.
I want to be as good/successful a grandparent as I was a parent.

It occurs to me to not be so arrogant as to assume just because I think I did parenting right that I will have success with my grandkid(s).

I plan on spending as much time with my grandkids as is possible yet, I can't make a pest of myself with the parents. I want to be generous but not a fool showering unnecessary gifts. Don't offer much advice and especially don't countermand any parental decisions.

Mostly, I think my job is everyready listener and frequent "shut-upper" with only very, very o c c a s i o n a l l y given advice.

Any advice from grandfathers here? Also, for those of you guys that currently have small kids and think the grandparents are GREAT...what makes you think that?

[Seahawk]

Dan,

I can only tell you what my kids like about their grandfather (my father).
Since the kids turned 9 and 7 they have spent a month every summer with their GF...first in Bend, Or and then Colarado Springs, Co. where he now lives.
He would generally spend about 2 1/2 weeks of that on the road taking my kids to some really great areas. Nothing fancy, they both camp and hotel depending on the weather, etc.
They have been all over the west, from Vancover to Nogales and have seen some really cool sites.
They are now 15 and 13. What they loved about the trips is that the pace was slow and unhurried and that their GF was spending time with them and they were going places.
Sounds corny, but at a certain age kids want to see and do new things

[Dan in Pasadena]

Seahawk, That's a really good idea. An annual (at least) road trip with the grandparent, I like it. Of course it won't happen for me for a bit but I will definitely keep it in mind.

[Rikao4]

when he tells his friends..
Grandpa let me drive his Porsche, your well on your way to being a great GF.
Roadtrip with Grandpa in the P..priceless

Rika

[azasadny]

Dan,
I think the concerns you have brought up in your post indicate that you'll be an excellent grandfather! Spend as much time with the grandkids as possible because they will learn alot fom you. Enjoy them, my parents and my wife's parents really enjoy being grandparents and often say it's really better then being the parent!

[Superman]

Yes, it sounds like you'll be a GREAT grandparent. By this age, we're actually starting to recognize answers to some important questions and what's more, we've got some PATIENCE.
truly priceless. For the first couple of years or so, your job and the parents' job is to LOVE the child. Only. Lessons and discipline are taught later. I don't expect a conflict. I expect your advice will support the child's parents' policies.

And so, you are a bit boxed in. All you really have the power to do is to feed them candy and give them back to their parents. Perhaps buy them a puppy.

[Tobra]

If you are worried about how good a job you will do, you are worrying too much.

Do fun stuff with them, when you get old(er), you will not regret the things you did, but the things you did not do. Try not to step on the parent's toes, give the parents the odd mini vacation, day off from the kid, occasionally.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Originally Posted by Superman

... For the first couple of years or so, your job and the parents' job is to LOVE the child. Only. Lessons and discipline are taught later. I don't expect a conflict. I expect your advice will support the child's parents' policies........ Perhaps buy them a puppy.

Oh no, I plan on beating obedience into them as soon as possible!

I'm kidding of course. Thanks for the kind observations. I'm not "worried" about it per se (yes he is, he's a worrywart! - Little Man on Dan's shoulder) I just hope for the best relationship with my grandkids I can have once they are older kids/young adults before I kick off. And of course I want to maintain my good standing with my kids - their parents.

The advice so far may be the best:
Lots of time together
Road trips
Candy
Puppies.

Check and double check.

The phrases, "..in my day" and "...when I was a boy" are to be COMPLETELY eradicated from my vocabulary.

[Superman]

Dan, I'm glad the photo and newspaper clipping were found in your Dad's wallet. He loved you.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Sup, Kind of you to say so. I know it...now.

During his last hospitalization for one of the many small heart attacks he had over the last years of his life, he started to tell me he was sorry he hadn't been done the things with me he felt he should have, etc... (my brothers in law had teenagers then and he saw how they were with their kids). Of course this put a lump in my throat and thinking that his passing was VERY near (it was, only about 3 months later) I told him, "Dad you don't have anything to apologize for. We always knew you cared about us (two sisters). You have been a good father and I love you".

Now I knew the truth was he HADN'T really been attentive in any way that showed. He was a VERY impatient man, with a chip on his shoulder and given to outbursts of temper. I was afraid of his temper all the time I was little. But what could I give this then-66 yr old man who was on his deathbed but some peace of mind? Despite how he was I loved my dad and now as I have become middle aged it is easier to understand (not excuse) how he felt about his life and the things that made him so tough to deal with. Besides, I would want someone to give that to me.

Later, when he was released from the hospital and at home I thought I should have told him the truth. Man, I am glad I didn't. He died in that home a few months later secure in the knowledge that his son felt he was a good father. I am glad I could give him that. It made his passing a bit easier for me. I felt I had done right by him just as he had attempted to do right by me...even though it was late in our lives together.

[cstreit]

...just remember...

Sugar. Caffeine. Toys. No Naps. Then send them home.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Originally Posted by cstreit

...just remember...

Sugar. Caffeine. Toys. No Naps. Then send them home.

Actually, that's my observation on how many, many people parent. Don't get me started, but a LOT of people (unfortunately) don't have the stones to be real parents. And in my opinion, its hard from a consistency standpoint but its not all THAT hard.

No means N-O. Not the fourth time or when it is screamed, it means NO the first and ONLY time it is said. People that don't practice that approach think it is so cruel or something. Mostly, you won't go wrong expecting a lot; more times than not, you'll GET a lot for it.

Stepping down from the soapbox now.

[Superman]

I've learned the same thing. Kids have their own friends. They don't want or need us to be their friend. They need us to be their parents. Yes, that means something to push against. Yes, "no" means no. When you understand how important that lesson is, it becomes easy to dish out.

Another thing of great importance, Dan. I'll try to be brief. Perhaps you have heard this story. Girl grows up having virtually NO relationship with her dad. Not good, especially for a female. He stayed with the family and brought his paychecks home. Didn't hit anybody. But he'd make a bee-line for his den and nobody had access to him. He was emotionally and physically unavailable. Girl grows up. Dad dies. Girl decides to have the most relationship she possible can with her deceased dad. She does research. Talks to folks. Looks stuff up. Ultimately, she uncovered the dark secret. His mother was nutsoid. Mean and nasty, and certifiably insane. One story: The dad, as a five year-old boy, brought home a litter of kittens. Mom scolded him, said they could not afford them and now could also not get rid of them. She made him take those kittens down to the stream and hold them under water, one-by-one, until they were dead. Five year-old boy.

When this girl finished her research, the question had changed. The original question was "Why was dad such an *******?" The new question was "How did dad hold it together well enough and long enough, and how did he make the enormous sacrifices, to raise a stable family and to protect them from HIS emotional instability?"

We don't get to walk in each other's moccasins. We don't get to see the world through each other's eyes. If we did, there would be some surprises. All we get is what we get.....and the chance to give. You gave, Dan. To your dad and to others. And in the best way he knew how, so did your dad. You got all he had to give.

[lisa_spyder]

OK Dan,

I'll give you my take... Grandparents are NOT parents - it's a totally different relationship. Doesn't mean you don't apply discipline etc - you need to take your lead from the parents on that one...

Be available - to do "stuff" with your grandchildren.


1. When they were babies Dad would do just about everything we would - change nappies, bottle feed, play, cuddle, lull to sleep - you name it. So would Mum. The kids all benefitted from their involvement and so did we. Sometimes all I needed was a break and they were both always available to give me one.

2. When the kids were toddlers Dad (and Mum) were ever involved. Playtime was BIG; playing with blocks or dollies, doing fingerpainting together, reading stories, going for walks etc. Just spending time with the kids with no stress. I would usually be running around like some lunatic trying to catch up on all the household stuff after work and having the GP's drop in to just "play" with the kids was fantastic. From a very early age they all would absolutely IGNORE Mike and I when their grandfather arrived! Best fun for Dad I think was bath time. All the kids would refuse to allow me or Mike to bath them when Dad was around - it was all about him and them. It was fantastic to witness such love.

All this continued until the day they both died.

Things the kids remember the most:

Grandmother's cooking - Mum would always make special things that I didn't get time to do (for them).
Reading time with both of them.
Dad playing cricket and football in the back yard with the boys (he never did that with me!) or playing dolls etc.
Fun wrestles and tickling competitions on the floor.
THE SPECIAL RIDES TO BED! Horsies etc...Dad created so many I have forgotten...
Just chatting about kid stuff - GP's are great at this!
Making things together in the shed.
Spending time in the workshop and being given "jobs" they could all do.
Going for drives with grandpa!!!

I guess what I am saying is BE INVOLVED. Whatever the kids are into, just get involved. Get down on the floor AND PLAY. I never once dreaded their involvement but they were both very good at NOT telling Mike and I how to parent unless they saw what they considered a real problem; and then the conversation would be quietly conducted without the kids around. We both valued their input. What we all have to cherish now is lots and lots of memeories - I have no fear that the kids will forget them, even the littlest one. They were so much a part of their lives and gave so much of themselves to the kids. That's what is most important; not the gifts and material stuff; but giving of yourself. The love you will get back can't even start to be quantified...and the enjoyment factor for you will be off the scale .

[Dan in Pasadena]

I agree. We all "do the best we can with the information we have at the time" - really? What else CAN you do? We are all flawed, some fatally so. Unfortunately for a lot of people, "the best they can do" isn't all that great.


As for kids, my 26 year old son has told me many times I am his best friend. I feel tremendously honored that he would say that. But the irony is I NEVER tried to be his best friend. I tried to be his best parent. Maybe that's what the outcome?

I have posted this before; in some ways my parents taught me how NOT to be. My father did in regard to his patience and his parenting. I struggle with patience to this day. My mother is currently teaching me how NOT to grow old. Nonstop negative observations about herself and others, voicing regrets, living in the past, making noises every time she rises or sits. etc.

When you grow old two things are certain: You begin to lose your independence and you begin to lose your dignity. Eventually (if we live long enough) others are driving us and others are wiping our butts. You have to rely on your loved ones (hopefully) for these things and it is tough on them and on yourself. Why would you allow yourself to become so negative that they gritted their teeth to be with you? to listen to you? Wouldn't it be so much better to be someone they looked forward to visiting with despite the help they have to give you? Because you bring a positive to their lives. That's my plan. I SHUT THE HELL UP as much as possible about negative stuff. Not being Pollyanna-ish, its just that "keeping it real" in this regard means they'll hate being around you. I will be needing others even if I wish I didn't.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Lisa,
Absolutely solid advice and well appreciated. I DO intend to be involved as much as possible but without ever letting my son and his wife feel I over do it. I LOVED bathing my kids, shampooing their hair into spikes so they would laugh at each other. I loved watching Saturday morning cartoons with them. I've got no problem changing diapers (nappies?!). Didn't hurt me before it isn't going to hurt me now. I intend to do as much of this again as I can.

[Superman]

Indeed, attitude is everything. I am blessed with a naturally positive outlook. I am blessed with many things.

I agree that grandparents' role is not the same as that of parent. GP's job is FAR more fun than Parent. It is unfortunate but appears true that we have to be GP's before we notice how fun kids really are. You wanna have fun? Follow a 4 year-old around and do what they do. Look carefully at bugs and plants. Imagine stuff. Eat sweets. Skip with your arms extended, facing the Sun with eyes closed. Play games of imagination. They will kick your ass at this every time.

[lisa_spyder]

Dan,

You are going to make a "great" grandparent...you really don't need advice!

You know I remember when Tom was born like it was yesterday...he's now 15 and taller than me (little bugger)...I had a particularly difficult labour - long and arduous. Dad was ringing the labour ward every couple of hours, getting really concerned about his baby girl and her baby. At one stage he was threatening to come down, override everyone and demand a caesarian just to put me out of the misery! The moment Tom was born and Mike made to call to Dad he lit out of the workshop, left his staff and hotfooted it to the hospital. He got the first cuddle after Mike and I. Just watching Dad cuddling tiny little Tom broke me up...getting him to hand Tom back wasn't easy ! Tom's best friend was his grandfather by far - we made it so Tom could talk to Dad about anything, even b!tch about his parents if he needed to. Mentoring is a big part of grandparenting too in my book.